In the foreword, Milligan sounds like an earnest teenage boy as he desperately tries to convince the reader that he wasn't writing porn for the sake oIn the foreword, Milligan sounds like an earnest teenage boy as he desperately tries to convince the reader that he wasn't writing porn for the sake of porn. Not that there's anything wrong with that! Unfortunately for him, that's a harder sell when your dialogue is composed mostly of phrases like Ugghhh, Guhhhh, & Oooghhh. I'm just saying.
[image]
He rambles on for a few paragraphs about how sex is usually the end game, but in The Discipline, it's what's used to get to the end game. Ritualistic sex is all part of the journey, man! Aleister Crowley, Tantric Yoga, Sex Magick! Or something like that. Then he spits out this gem and I laughed and laughed and laughed because I knew I was in for a good time with this book. Our hero. Melissa. Befreckled, bespeckled, bemused. She seems to me like a real woman, small-breasted but big-hearted. Intelligent, gutsy, but with real frailties...
Small-breasted but big-hearted!
[image]
Ok, ok, ok. Just because there's a lot of sex in a book doesn't mean it isn't a great read. If sex moves the plot forward or makes sense in the situation, then by all means...MORE SEX! But this book is not that book. This is the literary version of a sci-fi porno flick. You know how the dialogue is really cheesy and doesn't quite make sense in porno movies? Like, they're just sort of grunting out words that no one would ever say, in a situation that would never arise in real life, all because I suppose you kind of have to have the appearance of a 'story' to go with the cheesy background music. THIS.
[image]
She's a dirty housewife. *titter* And she's sexually frustrated because her millionaire husband is never home so she goes and stares at this painting of a monster fucking a woman. She meets what looks like cliche Eurotrash who tells her he's going to fuck her. He intrigues her FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON so she just agrees to start up an affair with him. Except he's creepy. Like, really fucking creepy. He says straight-up serial killer shit to her and takes her to a slaughterhouse for their first 'date'. Then he takes her to a BDSM club, roofies her, and leaves her in the middle of the street stark naked. BUT SHE'S INTRIGUED. AND SO TURNED ON.
[image]
It just gets weirder and less coherent from there. Needless to say, it all revolves around everyone in the story having sex with each other. But the gist is that there are some sort of shape-shifting beings who live in pocket dimensions in different eras of time. You can communicate with them by stabbing yourself in the eye with a special needle or something. These dudes are fighting other shape-shifting beings. They have roofie spit, voices that can get you horny against your will, and can only survive if they take over a human's body by (you guessed it!) having sex with them.
[image]
Then there's a side plot about our small-breasted heroine's white trash sister, Krystal. See, if Tiny Titties doesn't do what the sex monsters want her to do, then they'll go after her sister and use her as their sex puppet instead. AND IF THAT ISN'T A PORN PLOT, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS. I mean, all this story needs is some guy with a huge dick that delivers a pizza. Go home, Milliagan. You're drunk.
[image]
Buddy read with Alex. He told me to let everyone know he's single and up for all kinds of kinky alien-monster shenanigans. Really. Just flood his inbox with whatever nasty shit you're into. I'm totally not saying that because this comic was his idea. I swear. ...more
Ok, so remember in the movie when Captain Marvel got kidnapped, taken to another dimension, roofied with alTHIS is THAT Captain Marvel Story...
[image]
Ok, so remember in the movie when Captain Marvel got kidnapped, taken to another dimension, roofied with alien tech, serenaded by William Shakespeare, impregnated by vapor essence, sent back to the 616 dimension with no memory of any of it, then gave birth 3 days later to a child that rapidly aged into her rapey lover, and after all of that decided she might really like the guy so she went back to the other dimension with him to see if the relationship had legs?
[image]
No. Of course not. That shit won't sell tickets. Welcome to the 200th issue of the Avengers, which has the distinct honor of being one of, if not the, most embarrassing storylines in comics.
[image]
However, it is unbelievably readable. It's like cutting into soft butter! Ohmygod. It. Is. Delicious. But, it's delicious in the way off-brand SpaghettiO's are delicious. As in, you're really hungry and really lazy.
[image]
First, take every awful soap opera plot about amnesia, 'lovable' rapists, and baby drama - microwave it for 3 minutes. Ding! Second, stir in some people with superpowers, clothed in skimpy colorful costumes - vent and microwave for another 30 seconds. Ding! Third, sprinkle a packet of inter-dimensional eyebrows on top and let it cool for 2 minutes. Mmmmm. Yummy!
Actual footage of Marvel dealing with this:
[image]
But I mean, in all honesty, what the fuck can you do once something like this is out there in the world? How would you like to deal with the damage control on this sort of nightmare storyline? Well, I thought about that question long and hard, Random Goodreader! And here's what I would do to fix this mess:
So, why is this random issue of the Avengers important to Carol Danvers storyline? The short answer is that it's Attention Captain Marvel fans:
[image]
So, why is this random issue of the Avengers important to Carol Danvers storyline? The short answer is that it's not. While it's cool to see her Warbird persona, this whole issue with some alternate version of Immortus' son is nothing that you need to worry about. HOWEVER. This issue does a fabulous job condensing (into a flashback) one of the most incredibly awkward and regrettable plotlines ever conceived for a superhero in the history of incredibly awkward and regrettable plotlines ever conceived for a superhero. EVER. So, just what is it in Carol's past that's so fucking weird?
[image]
To say the least. Buckle up, random Goodreader, because this sort of soap opera insanity is the stuff the 80's were actually made of...but I didn't see any of this shit immortalized in Ready Player One.
[image]
Heh. Ok. The short version? Immortus (longtime listener, first-time caller, all around evil dude who likes to fuck with the Avengers) has a son named Marcus who (stay with me) lives in some sort of limbo dimension and can't leave it...but wants to. *deep breath* He mind controls Carol into thinking she loves him, gets her pregnant with the (classic 80's) rape baby, which is then gestated AND born within a few days. <--Awww. And that's not even the strange part! The kid grows up with a day or two and then (drum roll) turns out to be MARCUS! But due to some tomfoolery, Marcus still can't live on Earth, so Carol follows him back to limbo with the Avengers blessing. OMG! Now, that is what I call a Happily Ever After. Later on, and (I believe) in an effort to try to fix the offensive storyline, they made it so he withered and died soon after. And when he kicked the bucket, Carol realized that her love for Marcus had been nothing but him putting his mind control whammy on her. Let it all sink it...
[image]
Yes, ladies and gentlemen! Carol gave birth to her own rapist. That is so fucking bizarre I ain't even sure I'm mad. At any rate, I don't think this particular part of her past is going to make it into any of the movies....more
This isn't something I'd ever normally read but it was in a goodie basket that a friend had gifted me for Halloween, so I thought I should give it a tThis isn't something I'd ever normally read but it was in a goodie basket that a friend had gifted me for Halloween, so I thought I should give it a try. After flipping through the pages for a few minutes, I decided I'd need to be slightly drunk to get through this one. Why? Well, I would say because it's gory, but that just doesn't adequately describe the sort of graphic, stomach-turning violence that happens in this thing. So, I got boozed up.
[image]
It helped. I made it through the whole book, stopping only to refill my giant glass of wine. Yay. Ish. But then, last night I had nothing but nightmares. There's this one scene. I just can't get it out of my head! DO NOT CLICK ON THIS SPOILER IF YOU ARE ANYWHERE NEAR AS SQUEAMISH AS I AM! (view spoiler)[ The mom breaks her ankle and wants her husband to shoot her and run with their little 6 or 7 year old daughter. But he won't leave her b/c he thinks the Crossed might be vulnerable to salt or something nonsensical like that. Anyway, the end result is this:
Ohmyfuckinggod. There isn't enough wine for that. You know how many nightmares I had last night?! Me either. I lost count! My entire night consisted of me waking up from some horrific dream, getting up to pee (<- that's normal), going back to sleep, and then having more nightmares.
[image]
I don't normally get up at 5:30 on a Sunday morning, but I am not closing my eyes anytime soon! *refuses to blink*
[image]
The short version of the story (and BELIEVE me, you want the short version) is that something virus/bio-warfare/nuclear meltdown/whatever happens, the majority of the population turns full-on evil, and the survivors huddle together till they get horrifically tortured, raped, eaten, and murdered. Ha! <--my autocorrect tried to chance eaten to beaten...but no, sorry. Once again, you misunderstand what I'm saying, autocorrect.
Ugh. I'm not sure that I truly understand the point to this. It was so far beyond gross (for me) that there is no way in hell I'm even slightly tempted to ever look at this again, much less read more of this title. To me, this is basically boring, unlikable characters meandering around together, getting killed in gag-worthy scenarios, and doing horrible things to survive in the meantime. But even if it were more interesting, I don't think this would have been remotely enjoyable to me. Now. I get that there are a lot of you who enjoy authors who push the limit of the Ick Factor in books and graphic novels. That's fine, and I certainly don't think you guys are awful people. To each his own and all that. However, I just didn't think the story was all that good. Maybe if there had been something about the writing or the characters that made me feel anything other than total revulsion, I might have liked it more? <--LIE. Total lie. There's no way I could stomach that shit under any circumstances. BUT. If you are the sort of reader who enjoys this sort of thing? Go for it! I have several friends who thought this was great. As for me? I've gotta wash the taste of this out of my mouth...
Ok, I'm probably going to get crucified by King fans, but I thought that The Dark Tower story was the same as The Stand. And, not being a huge fan of Ok, I'm probably going to get crucified by King fans, but I thought that The Dark Tower story was the same as The Stand. And, not being a huge fan of King's horror/fantasy/whatever tales, I hadn't been motivated to figure that out till now. But yeah. Hey, those are two different series! And all the King fans simultaneously do this:
[image]
That's ok, I deserve that one. Here's the thing, I don't really enjoy the rambling, weird, sometimes downright gross style of some of his writing. But please don't think I'm trying to say his books are bad! The guy has talent oozing out of his pores, and I'm not trying to downplay what the impact of his presence in the literary world. It's simply personal preference and not a reflection on my feelings towards the man or his fans. But. Like every other asshole out there who doesn't bother reading a book until the movie comes out, I saw this trailer and suddenly got interested.
[image]
Yes. I'm that person. *hangs head* I'll be sitting over here in the corner if you want me...
[image]
Alright. Regardless of the reason, I now wanted to find out what this story was all about. Yay! And then (after a bit of research on the interwebs) I found out that this was some sort of insane epic that consists of 8 large books and one novella, written over the course of 40+ YEARS. ACK! So what's a lazy girl to do? Well, if you're a lazy girl (or guy!) like me, then you'll grab at the comic book version like it's the last life preserver on a sinking ship. Nooooo. I don't think these will be as detailed, nuanced, or whatever else as the books, but I'm just looking for the overall gist of the story. Boom. Done. Thank you, graphic novelizations...
[image]
How was it, you ask? Well, the art was BEAUTIFUL. Jae Lee shines in this sort of environment! You honestly can't ask for a better artist when it comes to a western/fantasy/horror story like this one. It's visually gorgeous.
[image]
And the plot was pretty much what I would expect from Stephen King. It's strange, creepy, lyrical - nasty in spots -but ultimately so interesting that you want more. I'm assuming that Peter David did a good job of transferring the spirit of the story onto the panels. Those of you who have read the books will have to let me know for sure, though.
[image]
From what I've heard, this isn't going in order of the BOOKS, it's just telling the story. I'm not 100% about this, but I think if you're planning to read the books, then this thing will spoil some of the plot twists for you, and you may want to wait and read the comics last.
[image]
Alright. For those of you who are going to try to convince me that I really must read these? Let me just stop you right there. No. Just...no. See, one of my pet peeves is made up accents & words. In small doses (like this comic) I'm fine, but the western/poet/cowboy/bullshit way that these characters talked would have me scratching at my skin like a meth head by the time I was done with a full-length novel. And I spend way too much money on the snake oil I rub on my aging face to damage it that way! (view spoiler)[
[image]
(hide spoiler)] So, no. NO. I'm happy living in the land of picture books for stuff like this, and you can be happy in your smug world of real literature.
[image]
To me, the story is worth 4 stars and the art is worth 10. I'm gonna have to settle on 5, I guess. Good stuff!...more
The first two books is this trilogy were a bit meh, but this one?!
[image]
Ha! Kidding! This one ended up being meh, as well. In fact, at times it teetereThe first two books is this trilogy were a bit meh, but this one?!
[image]
Ha! Kidding! This one ended up being meh, as well. In fact, at times it teetered on awful.
[image]
Here's the thing: I was less than impressed with the 1st book, but decided to check out the 2nd book because I thought it was supposed to be about Rionna. <--badass warrior chick! It was not about Rionna. The author did a switcheroo, and the hero fell in love with Rionna's BFF instead. Anyway. Finally, now we get to Rionna. The ass-kicker who beat one of the laird's best soldiers in the first book! Whooo! So, yeah, I was expecting a bit of this:
[image]
But that's not what I got. Rionna turned out to be a little girl playing dress-up. She was easily cowed, easily beaten in combat, and easily led around by her husband.
[image]
Plus, her new hubby was a douchebag because of the cliche PAINFUL EMOTIONS FROM THE PAST! Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been hurt, I've been hurt, everyone who has ever lived EVER has been hurt. Fuck that noise, it's annoying.
[image]
Plus, and this really made me cringe, he kept screwing her while she was asleep. What the what?!
[image]
Is that something that guys do now? Am I just old and out of touch? Is that really acceptable dick etiquette in this day and age? Perhaps I'm just an unadventurous piece of white bread for thinking that being conscious was one of those things that made sex...sexy? Regardless, that better not be what wakes me up in the morning, motherfucker. I mean, Jesus Christ! Let me pee & get a cup of coffee first!
[image]
Anyway. The writing itself isn't bad, but the storyline just wasn't my cuppa. If anyone has any suggestions for a good men-in-kilts trashy romance novel, I'd love to hear it!...more
This was quite literally a non-stop action sequence. Normally, I'm all about that kind of thing, but I'm just not sure how much I liked it this time aThis was quite literally a non-stop action sequence. Normally, I'm all about that kind of thing, but I'm just not sure how much I liked it this time around.
[image]
This hurts me because I'm usually the first one to yell, Bring on the mindless explosions! So I can't believe I'm saying this, but I prefer it when Butcher takes a breath and writes about his characters a little more. I just finished the short stories about Bigfoot and I loved it. This? The pacing was just breakneck, and I was exhausted by the time I finished. It was ONE LONG FIGHT SCENE. I mean, the vast majority of page time is taken up with descriptions of people twisting and leaping while shooting bazookas or throwing spells. And when I say long, I mean it. Just when you think it's finally over? It's not. There's more. I'm too invested to stop now, but I'm praying to the gods that Butcher puts an end to this soon. I feel like it's running out of steam and all that's left of the plot is Harry screaming FORZARE over and over. Honestly, I'd like to see one of my favorite long-running series go out on a high note.
[image]
Ok. And I'm going to say something that is probably kind of controversial, so if you don't feel the same, just know that I respect your opinion and we'll just have to agree to disagree. Over the years, I've grown to dislike Karen Murphy more and more. She's the equivalent of that squeaky little kid that has to annoyingly insert itself into every conversation with the adults. Stop it, already! Go eat your graham crackers and shut the fuck up. Anyway, I suddenly realized upon listening to this book that this particular feeling has been growing exponentially with each passing story. Maybe that's because she seems to be getting more and more page time as the years go by? I don't know.
[image]
Which brings me to this: I really hate Karen and Harry as a couple. The complete lack of chemistry between those two made the love scenes in this book almost unbearable to watch with my mind's eye.
[image]
Almost. What actually made the love scenes unbearable was the fact that he was sloughing the white, wrinkled, wet, and intensely gross dead skin off of her arm before they got busy. <--she sawed the cast off of her arm, in case you've forgotten.
[image]
As for me, I'll never forget that particular sex scene, because although it was pretty much fade to black, I can still feel the chunky bile rising in my throat at the thought of how bad her fucking skin would reek after being wrapped in plaster for months. Have you ever smelled that? I have. It's nauseating and I don't want that aroma anywhere near my lady boner.
[image]
This next part is a HUGE spoiler for this book, so please don't click on this unless you've read Battle Ground. (view spoiler)[I didn't shed a tear when Murph died. It was more of a well, I'm glad he gave such a long-running character a good death and I hope to hell that she stays fucking dead feeling. I honestly would rather see Harry with the soul-sucking vampire, than have Murphy rise from the dead due to some Ex Machina deal with fairies or whatever other contrived plot might see her come back. NO. Please no. She was the worst character in the entire series and I'm thrilled I won't have to read about her anymore. I know, I know! That sounds so mean. And yet...
Alright, I complained quite a bit, but I do truly have such a soft spot for The Dresden Files. There were a couple of BIG reveals there at the end that made me smile so much. So, for all of my whining, I'll be back for the next installment....more
2021 Really enjoyed this one upon re-read. I don't know why I didn't keep reading this series, but I'm definitely kicking myself for that. This was coo2021 Really enjoyed this one upon re-read. I don't know why I didn't keep reading this series, but I'm definitely kicking myself for that. This was cool as hell. I've read quite a few horror comics since I originally picked this one up, and this is a pretty interesting volume 1.
[image]
2015 3.5 stars Maybe I just don't read enough horror/serial killer stuff, but I seem to like this one a lot better than most of my friends. And that may be because I don't like scary serial killer stories, and (they're right) this wasn't scary. Even the gross stuff wasn't too bad! I mean, it's icky that this guy ate people's fingernails down to the bone, but I was expecting some really stomach-churning imagery, and lots of blood-soaked gore to be peppered throughout this entire volume.
[image]
Ok, so that was gross, but most of the stuff wasn't all that nasty. This guy gets a call from his friend asking him to please come to this little town, and help him figure out why so many serial killers seem to be coming from Buckaroo, Oregon. He's not doing anything important at the moment, so he puts his gun down and heads out on an adventure.
[image]
It kind of reminded me of that movie, Scream. There seems to be an underlying vibe that this story is making fun of the ridiculous horror clichés. Especially in panels like these:
[image]
[image]
Seems to be a decent mysteryish sort of thing happening in this one, and I wasn't bored while I was reading it. Again, this isn't exactly the sort of stuff I gravitate towards, so any real horror/crime/slasher aficionados out there can feel free to disagree with me. But I liked it enough to want to read volume 2....more
Not a fan of the rapey books. And that's probably my biggest (but not my only) problem with Fairest of Them All. See, all I was hoping for was some flufNot a fan of the rapey books. And that's probably my biggest (but not my only) problem with Fairest of Them All. See, all I was hoping for was some fluffy romance-like stuff, and possibly an new take on Beauty and the Beast. For a few chapters, that's sort of what this was. Then this clanging warning bell went off in my head when the hero's inner monologue got a bit wonky. There were several other signs that things were careening from a quirky story to an icky story, but the writing wasn't awful, so I ignored them.
Holly is beautiful. Like, the most stunning thing ever born. EVER. EVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREVER! No other woman in the world can compare with her beauty. And she has awesome tits to boot! I know this, because it's mentioned on just about every page. Even Holly can't stop touching her boobies, that's how fuckin' awesome those bad-boys are. Holly=Perfection Got it?
Holly keeps finding new and creative ways to get rid of suitors. Webbed toes run in the family, she has the pox, every other generation of women is insane (and her mother was fine), etc... Holly's father wants her to marry. She's 18. It's time. He sets up a tournament so that men can come from far and wide, and win her hand. Enter Gavenmore. He's under a curse. There's a whole backstory to it, but the short version is that every man in his family is doomed to fall madly in love with...and then kill...a beautiful woman. So why was he even entered in this tournament? He gets pissed at Holly for tricking him into thinking she was ugly, but he's the IDIOT who entered a tournament to marry the MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN ENGLAND! There are a lot of plot holes like that, but I could have ignored them if this story hadn't drifted into rape-is-cool territory. Anyway, in a effort to dissuade any suitors, Holly chops off her hair, blackens her teeth, uses soot to give herself the illusion of a mustache, pads her clothes...and binds her gorgeous knockers. So. Guess who ends up winning her hand in marriage?
Ok, all of that has the makings of a really cute story. Until about halfway through, there's a lot of funny/cute moments where these two start to fall for each other by building a friendship. Awwwww! Then this happens in a lake: (view spoiler)[ He finally discovers her treachery! So he holds her face underwater several times (to, you know, get the soot off), then rips the majority of her clothes off (to, you know, expose the padding and bindings), and hauls her through the castle and up to the tower in front of everyone (to, you know, lock her ass up). As he should! And there she stays for months. Hmmm. What so you do with prisoners that you're married to, but haven't slept with yet? Riiiiiiiiight. So. To prove that she's a virgin, and not a whore, he HAS to have sex with her, right? Right? Now, naturally, she loves it. Even though he won't kiss her, and even though he holds her down, and even though she's been kept prisoner in this tower for months, and... Here's the thing. He thinks he's raping her. He knows it's wrong. She was a virgin, and he fingered her, then fucked her. Nice guy. So for the rest of her captivity (no, he doesn't let her out after that), she tries to win him over. As she should! Right? Right? It becomes a Battle of the Wills, since now that he's had a taste of her, he just can't resist trotting up there every night and screwing her. Of course, he brings her sooooooooo much pleasure. She loves him, and she just knows that he loves her too...if she can only break through the walls he has erected around his heart! (hide spoiler)]
Fuck that! It's Stockholm Syndrome. Nothing about him, or anything he did was remotely acceptable. I was not pleased by any of the feeble excuses that the author stuck in there to excuse his behavior.
No. No, to all of that shit.
PS Even without all of that, this would have only been 2.5 star book, because there were enough plot holes to drive a truck through. ...more
She put her free hand to her face to rub her eyes in exasperation, but she smelled her scent on her fingers again. Dammit. Masturba5% into the book...
She put her free hand to her face to rub her eyes in exasperation, but she smelled her scent on her fingers again. Dammit. Masturbating in her sleep again.
[image]
Um. I'm going to put this one down now.
And I did... But I'm not a quitter, dammit! So I re-downloaded this sucker from the library a few days ago and finished it. Why? Well, it was recommended to me by my good pal, Sara, so I wanted to give it a fair shake. In her defense, she recommended the series to me because I enjoyed Laurenston's Dragon Kin stuff that she writes under the name G A Aiken. But since I'm an ass, I'm also going to have to point out that some of the descriptions of the sexy stuff kind of made my nose wrinkle and my gag reflex kick in just a bit. Now, I'm not blaming you, Sara, but I'm going to have to toss out an example here. *clears throat*
"He needed to know this was what she really wanted. She ran her small hand across his jaw and down his neck."
I know what you're thinking. This doesn't sound so bad, right? Wait for it...
"Then, slowly, leaned forward and began to lick her juices off his mouth and chin."
[image]
I guess I'm just a prude, but I don't wanna read a sentence like that ever again. Ewwww! Ewwww! Who does that?! Licks her juices off his mouth and chin... GAK! GAK! GAAAAAK!
[image]
Ok. I'm in my Happy Place now, and everything is all better. And really, other than a few really squicky lines like that, I actually liked this book. In fact, I'm kind of interested in reading the rest of the series. Apparently, these Packs and Prides are all fighting over something, and it got pretty interesting there before the big showdown. Also, I like the OCD wolf-guy that we meet toward the end of this book, so I'm thinking I may go back and read book one to find out what the story is between him and his wife. So, yeah, believe it or not, I had fun reading this one. I'm not going to go out on a limb and recommend Go Fetch! to any of my friends like Juicy-Chin-Sara (as she will now forever be known) did, but I'm probably going to read this rest of these. It was an overall fun and fluffyish PNR!...more
Hmmmm. After the first few pages, I thought I was going to have to reach out and cyber-smack some friends for suggesting I read this...but it 3.5 stars
Hmmmm. After the first few pages, I thought I was going to have to reach out and cyber-smack some friends for suggesting I read this...but it sort of grew on me.
Disclaimer: I don't mind violence or gore in the books I read, but I also have this thing about putting gross stuff in my mouth. Call it a phobia if you want, but just the thought of anything icky coming near my mouth makes me gag and heave. Take food, for example. I constantly sniff any food that I think might be even a little bit iffy. Then I make my husband sniff it. And usually, even if he says it smells fine, I end up throwing it out. Because...? Well, who cares what he thinks?! Once I think it may be tainted, it's got to go. It's Mentally Tainted Food, therefore, I can't eat it. Also, I thought Chew was just a clever title. I ordered it from my library on the recommendation friends and didn't bother reading the blurb. My bad.
[image] So. Bird Flu has made chicken into the new moonshine. Which, once I realized what was going on, was pretty darn funny. I mean, bootleg poultry? That's hilarious! And the new FDA is like the FBI, CIA, and NSA all rolled into one. Forget Homeland Security, if you want to be where the action is, you join the Food and Drug Administration. Bad-ass health inspectors? And Tony Chu (get it, Chew? Har!) is one of the guys who puts his life on the line every day to keep the world safe from contraband chicken. His partner ends up getting hit in the head with a meat cleaver in the first few pages, and to catch the bad guy...Tony eats a portion of one of his minions. Don't worry, it makes more sense in the book. When he's found at the scene cannibalizing the guy who split his partner's skull open, he gets fired and institutionalized. Because that's NASTY! The End.
[image]
Ok, no. That's not what happened. That's just how my gag reflex rationalized the scene. What actually happened was that it put Tony on the radar of another government group that utilizes people with his skill. His skill is to be able to get a clairvoyant reading off of anything he ingests. Even veggies. And if he had only eaten vegetables throughout the book, I and my stomach would have been much happier...thank you very much. But he didn't. He ended up (reluctantly) eating all kinds of horrifying things in order to solve his cases. That vacuum-sealed dog almost did me in... *GAK GAK GAK* Again. Thank you for that, guys.
Here the thing, I honestly got interested in what was happening to the entire cast of wacky characters. I was so nauseated, but I couldn't stop reading! And then they left me with a cliffhanger! So. When I recuperate, I'll read the next volume.
I'm purposely using cat gifs to try and soften this review up a bit. I don't think it will help, but I just couldn't bring myself to search for anythiI'm purposely using cat gifs to try and soften this review up a bit. I don't think it will help, but I just couldn't bring myself to search for anything bloody by the time I finished this book.
See that little boy on the cover, in all of his 14 year old glory? By the fifth page, I hated his guts. He repulsed me. Repulsed! And I'm not talking about just disliking his personality. Oh, no! Full-on skeeved out. The kid is an unrepentant murderer and rapist!
[image]
So why 4 stars, huh? Weeeeell, he's just insane enough to be interesting. And to be quite honest, I kept hoping little Jorg would somehow redeem himself. In some way. Just a little bit! But the little bastard just kept on slicing throats, throwing people off cliffs, and shooting arrows through the hearts of anyone he really cares about. To be fair, Jorg has Batman syndrome. He watched the slaughter of his mother and little brother when he was only 10 years old. He has some unresolved issues...
[image]
Except instead of taking the Bruce Wayne approach to things (I will SAVE Gotham!), he's gone all dark and demonic on the inside. Hate will do that to you. It's ok to get angry, you just have to channel it the right way. Hate? Not so much. That shit will just eat you up. And then who's gonna want to adopt you from the shelter?
[image]
So, Jorg started out an angry 10 year old, and when he finds out the King (who just happens to be his father) won't attack the man responsible for his mother & brother's death, he loses it. He hates the king who attacked his family, and he hates his father for letting it slide. In a rather spectacular show of lunacy, he runs away from home and takes up with a group of killers, eventually becoming their leader. Hate, amirite? What comes after hate? EVIL, that's what! Pure evil! The kind of evil who thinks it's funny to taunt the farmer you just gutted by telling him you just found his daughters. Mmmmm. Yummy! It's a slippery slope, people! If you let yourself go down that road, you'll find yourself sucked in deeper and deeper...with no way out.
[image]
And that scene, with the dying farmer, is where we start the journey with Jorg. He's a few days shy of 14, and already the leader of his motley band of Brothers. You would think it would be impossible for a kid to have somehow taken the leadership role, especially among a group of hardened murderers. In my mind, this is how his takeover would have gone:
[image]
But Jorg is a fearless, scary little shit. And he's not the type to back down. Ever. To anyone. I kinda had to respect that about him, you know? At any rate, the kid is ruthless enough to scare these guys into submission.
[image]
Besides, the vast majority of his crew were not the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree. They were good at raping & pillaging, but that was as far as their mental capacities took them. In other words, they may have been scum, but they weren't very hard to manipulate.
[image]
However, along the road, he runs into his father's priest. In a cage. No, seriously. Jorg (naturally) wants to kill him but decides to use him to herald his return back to his kingdom. But not before he stares down an army of the undead, and sends them running for the hills. Yeah, I know! I told you this little fucker was scary!
[image]
Alright, once he makes his grand entrance back at the castle, that's when this show really gets going. Jorg finally gets to face-off with his father! Except, it's not as cool as Jorg imagined it in his head. In fact, it's pretty much the opposite of cool.
[image]
Turns out, his father has remarried, and the new wife is preggers with Jorg 2.0. Unfortunately, dear old Dad doesn't exactly want his asshole, runaway son taking the throne away from his new spawn. Naturally, Jorg's first thought is how he's going to kill the pregnant bitch. Because he's sweet like that...
[image]
But before he can even begin to starting plotting ways to push his stepmother down a flight of stairs, he runs into her sister...his new aunt. Aunt Hot Babe! And now he's conflicted. I mean, he likes her so much he doesn't even want to rape her! WTF, Jorg?! Are you losing your edge over a girl?!
[image]
Ehhh. Not really. He debates whether or not to kill her, just so he doesn't have to worry about getting too attached. Luckily for her, it doesn't matter for long. Because Papa King is sending him on a suicide mission to take out one of the enemy kingdoms. If he returns victorious, it will prove his loyalty and restore him as the heir. Hahahahahahaha! Yeah, Jorg isn't falling for it, either.
[image]
But there's not much he can do but play along. His father has a powerful magician with some scary powers. This dude can get inside your head, read your thoughts, and control your body. And Jorg, surprisingly, has managed to get on his bad side.
[image]
Although to be fair, this guy has managed to get on Jorg's bad side, as well. For the record, my money was always on the psychotic tween...
[image]
Ok, the rest of the story is full of exciting adventure! Mutants, necromancers, and radioactive waste are waiting for our intrepid band of don't even remotely resemble heroes. But the good thing is, you really don't care when any of them bites it. Well, except for that one guy...
[image]
There are plenty of Big Secrets that come to light by the time this story was over. But towards the end, there was one thing the king did that I really didn't see coming!
[image]
And then there was that other thing that made me think Jorg might be redeemable. Ish. See, there is a bit of a hole in the kid's memory. Not much, mind you. Just a teeny tiny chunk. But it turns out to be quite a doozy!
[image]
Alright, so is Jorg the kind of character that I think most people will like? No. He's just about as rotten and unsympathetic as they come. However, by the end of this book, he had learned one very important lesson that I think will resonate with everyone. Sexytimes with a willing hooker is much more pleasant than going the old forcible rape route. Awwww. He's really growing as a person, don't you think?
[image]
My point is, this is DEFINITELY not a book for everyone. I liked it, but that was only because I knew what I was getting into beforehand. If I could find a Trigger Warning cat gif, I would put it up in a heartbeat! However, because I can't, I'm just going to close the door and let you decide for yourself whether or not you want to read this one...
This was really a great Penguin story, but it was so sad! I mean, on one hand, I felt bad for little Oswald, but at the same time, he was a horrifyinglThis was really a great Penguin story, but it was so sad! I mean, on one hand, I felt bad for little Oswald, but at the same time, he was a horrifyingly creepy kid. I've honestly never thought of the Penguin as a dangerous villain, but this comic changed my mind. He was a total psychopath when it came to dealing with people who he perceived had wronged him. *shudder*
[image]
Probably the most disturbing thing in the entire book was the incestuous undertones between Cobblepot and his mother. Ewwwwwww! Maybe being a mom myself made that whole relationship seem even ickier, but I doubt it. Gross! (view spoiler)[ There's this one panel where it looks like she puts her tongue in his ear when he's a little kid...to thank him for something he made for her!
[image]
(hide spoiler)] OhMyGod! It burns! I can't un-see that! ACK!
Like I said, the whole book is just sad. I know the blurb says something about him possibly being considered an anti-hero and maybe finding true love, but I just didn't see that at all. He certainly wasn't what I would consider an anti-hero unless you think that bad people never ever do anything nice. Occasionally, even the worst people will do something kind for someone they like. And as far as finding True Love? It didn't seem that way to me. Nobody as crazy as the Penguin could ever really love another person. Well, he loved his f*@#ed-up mother, but that's about it!
[image]
It may sound like I hated this, but it was really just one of those books that was good, but hard to read. And I never thought I'd say that about a comic with Penguin as the title character. This one's dark, folks....more
I was 12 the first time I read Flowers in the Attic. My girlfriend (the one with the cool mom) had this and I read it while I was at her house. You knI was 12 the first time I read Flowers in the Attic. My girlfriend (the one with the cool mom) had this and I read it while I was at her house. You know those childhood books that you remember forever? Like, they were a part of what defined your experiences during that period of time? Yeah, that. Flowers in the Attic defined puberty for me. Maybe because puberty felt as awkward and semi-gross as reading about the Dollanganger siblings. But on the flip side, I could relate to Cathy’s angsty yearning for something that was just outside my reach (and thankfully my knowledge base) for at least a few more years.
[image]
This book is old as hell. There will be spoilers.
[image]
Alright. So what I remembered of the story in my young, fevered, hyper-hormonal brain was this incestuous romance that somehow didn’t make me feel as vile as it perhaps should have. Sure, I was squeamish about it. But I was raised Southern Baptist, and everything was a sin, so fucking your brother wasn’t any worse than smoking a cigarette or dancing to the devil’s music. Besides, I was an only child and had no real concept of what a sibling was. I probably didn’t understand what the word titillating meant when I was originally reading this, but that’s what it was. 100%. Adult Anne knows why budding boobs Anne was shoveling this into her eyeballs. I truly believe that V. C. Andrews may have put the guilty in guilty pleasure reads. Bless.
[image]
What I didn’t remember was how well-written this was for incest smut. And maybe smut is too harsh. The one sex scene (yes, yes, it was rape but we’ll get to that later) was seemingly written for a girl teetering on the verge of womanhood. It was as frustratingly non-descript as it could get while still getting the point across.
[image]
Now, as an adult, I read this with a whole new set of eyes. Well, actually Mena Suvari read it to me because I try to give my eyes a break when I can. But what I mean is that I saw what happened in a whole new light. When I was young, Chris and Cathy were this illicit love story, fueled by the backdrop of a cruel grandmother and a disingenuous, flighty mother. Now I saw two children who were forced into the role of mother and father to their younger siblings at the most tumultuous points in their mental development. They used to be normal kids. They would have grown up to be normal adults. Why? Because before they got hit upside the head with the crazypants grandmother and her religious fervor, they had never even thought about each other as sexual objects. Add that to being trapped in an attic for 3 years with no outside contact, and no outside context for any of the normal sexual urges that flood your system at that age, and you have a recipe for complete mental disaster.
[image]
This doesn’t even take into account the physical and mental abuse they were subjected to by their grandmother or the damage caused by their gaslighting mother. They were set up to fail. And maybe that’s why you never really think of them as nasty. Even the rapey sex was somewhat understandable in the moment. These kids have been beaten, starved, and poisoned - figuratively and literally! They aren’t adults and they don’t have adult coping mechanisms, so all of this felt like a somewhat inevitable dam that finally burst. A dirty, tantalizing, incestuous dam. Is this really a 5 star book? I don’t know. You’ll have to ask someone who didn’t use this to grade every childhood crush she had for many years to come. Don’t judge me.
[image]
Now that I have kids, Flowers in the Attic is still the benchmark I grade myself on. Each night before I go to sleep, I ask myself if I’ve been a good parent. Anne, have you locked your children in the attic recently? No? Well then. Good job, you! Thank you, V.C. Andrews, for nudging me in the right direction and making me into the fabulous mother that I am today. Recommended for every 12 year old girl out there....more
Loading...
