Aaron's Reviews > Inferno

Aaron turned on his computer and opened it to Goodreads.com, a widely used website for books. It was time. He looked around to be sure he was alone, and started writing ... his review of Dan Brown's Inferno.

CHAPTER 253

Aaron looked at the screen, wondering how best to approach the review. He had to be quick about it.

"There's no time!" he shouted even though no one else was around.

They could be here at any minute, and he had to hurry. He had to make sure he went fast, because of the time constraints. Speed was of the utmost importance.

But ... how to start? While it was true that he had enjoyed the facts listed in the book, he wasn't sure this was enough to warrant a good review.

"Lists of facts do not a novel make," he chuckled to himself, very very proud of this turn of phrase. Again, to be clear, no one else was around. He was alone and talking to himself.

He started writing his review. The first thing he pointed out was that no one in the book spoke like a human being.

"More like anthropomorphic Wikipedia entries," he chuckled again, remembering how essentially the characters only speak to each other when they have knowledge to share. Except at least Wikipedia entries straight-up tell you what you want to know, instead of posing everything as a Jeopardy question and lording the answer over you when you don't get it right. But then Aaron started hurrying again because of how fast he definitely needed to be going because of the vague and undefined threat listed earlier in this review.

Suddenly, Aaron was reminded of something from his past. He leaned back in his chair and just kind of stared into space for a whole chapter (so about 2 or 3 pages) remembering every single word from a speech he gave like 10 years ago. Luckily, that speech has the answers to everything he'll ever need to do to stop his vague and undefined enemies, so this is not strictly a waste of time.

Aaron looked up from his computer. Was that a sound that he'd heard? Probably. Sounds happen all the time. Wait! There it was again! He tried to slam the laptop closed to hide his work, but it was too late. They were here.

CHAPTER 591

Aaron tried to run, but as he got up a hand grabbed him from behind and pushed him back into his chair. He turned around. Above him stood a beautiful woman, with many attractive features that you, the male reader, would probably enjoy.

"Aaron Burdette!" she shouted. "I'm such a huge fan of yours! I just came by to tell you that I mostly exist to tell you how smart and attractive you are. I probably have some sort of surface-level trait like 'I'm really smart' or 'I'm barren' to inform my 'character', but really I'm just totally into you."

"Thank you human woman," Aaron replied. "But... aren't you here to... kill... me?"

"No!" she said, her golden hair glistening or something. "There are no real threats in this story! Just things that SEEM like threats, but then end up being fine."

"Oh, good. I love a story with net zero stakes."

"Then you're gonna love this."

And then, the woman who we all thought was beautiful and smart and cool, pulled a gun on Aaron Burdette.

CHAPTER 12 MILLION

"Just kidding!" shouted the woman, immediately throwing her gun in the nearby Hudson River. The Hudson River is a 315-mile (507 km) watercourse that flows from north to south primarily through eastern New York State in the United States. The river originates at Henderson Lake in Newcomb, New York, in the Adirondack Park, flowing southward past the state capital at Albany, and eventually forming the boundary between New York City and the U.S. state of New Jersey at its mouth, before emptying into Upper New York Bay. The official hydrologic source of the Hudson River is Lake Tear of the Clouds in the Adirondack Mountains.[4] The lower half of the river is a tidal estuary[5] occupying the Hudson Fjord, which formed during the most recent period of North American glaciation, estimated at 26,000 to 13,300 years ago.[6] Tidal waters influence the Hudson's flow from as far north as Troy, New York.

"Sorry, what did you say?" Aaron asked. "I was just thinking about the Hudson River."

"I said 'Just kidding,'" said the mysterious woman whose name we still don't know. "Because I'm not really going to kill you."

"Oh, that's good. I guess I will have no emotional reaction to any of this."

"Me neither."

They shook hands. Then the woman left.

"I never found out her name," Aaron said out loud. "I bet since that sort of information is being withheld, it will really be a big shock later in the story when her name is finally revealed. Like, I should've known who she was all along or something."

Nope, that woman's name was Amber Smith and you have never met her before. There is no discernible reason to have withheld her name.

"Oh," Aaron said. "Well at least this will be the only time that happens."

If only Aaron could know ... how wrong he truly was.

CHAPTER INFINITY

"I have to hurry, remember?!" Aaron shouted. For you see, Aaron had to release his review soon. He had to. Because ... if he didn't ... the whole world might end... up reading Inferno. It was on Aaron, a humble book reviewer on a social media site, the kind of guy that you would never, ever think would end up in a world-saving scenario, to stop everyone on earth from reading a book.

"Just read a non-fiction book about Florence or Venice or Renaissance Art!" he cried to the heavens/empty room. "That's the only good stuff in here anyway!"

He rapidly pushed the keys on his keyboard, making them make the words pop up on the screen thanks to various input codes sent from the keyboard to the computer. Finally, he finished. With the simple click of a mouse, he would release his warning to mankind. Only time would tell ... if it worked.

THE END... ? ...