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Hogfather (Discworld, #20; Death, #4)
by

Terry Pratchett,

Nigel Planer (Narrator)

Melindam's review

Oct 30, 2014

it was amazing

bookshelves: favourites, discworld, christmas, audiobook, fantasy, humour

Read 8 times. Last read December 4, 2023 to December 7, 2023.

For me this has been the perfect Christmas read ever since I first read it. :)

description

“Charity ain’t giving people what you wants to give, it’s giving people what they need to get.”

“There’s a tip, though. Just ‘ho, ho, ho’ will do. Don’t say, ‘Cower, brief mortals’ unless you want them to grow up to be moneylenders or some such.”

IT IS THE NIGHT OF HOGSWATCH (Terry Pratchett's answer to Christmas) when all children around DISCWORLD have hung up their stockings and waiting for the Hogfather (aka Father Christmas) to arrive on his sleigh drawn by 4 hogs and bring their presents.

If they were not asleep, they would find that instead of the FAT MAN, a rather thin-looking skeleton with false beard and a pillow underneath the red garments, arrives to deliver the prezzies with a very old, ugly, reluctant and drunk "pixie" in tow.

And the reason why Death has to "jump in" and save the day or the night in this particular case is that The Hogfather went missing as well as a toothfairy.

Strange and evil powers are at large to eliminate all beliefs and superstitions in the world and Death with the help of his granddaughter Susan and the oh-god of hangovers is out to save humanity....

I first read the Hogfather in 2010 and it became a favourite by page 15 or maybe page 10. I have reread it before/during Xmas ever since to get into/out of the spirit of things.
It is an awesome book & never stops to amaze / entertain me even after the Nth reread.

“You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.”

“IT'S THE EXPRESSION ON THEIR LITTLE FACES I LIKE, said the Hogfather.
"You mean sort of fear and awe and not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants?"
YES. NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL BELIEF."

What I love about it:
Everything, but especially
- The scene with Lord Downey & the auditors
- Death dressing up as the Hogfather & Albert as pixie
- Hex, Archchancellor Ridcully & the wizards of UU and their Hogswatch feast craziness
- Bloody Stupid Johnson's bathroom design
- The oh God of Hangovers, Bilious, & how the wizards cure the world's greatest hangover
- How the book holds a not-so-very distorted mirror reflecting upon our “spirit of Christmas”
- How all the layers of Hogswatch / Xmas are removed/explored one by one to get to the long forgotten origins of this festival & how cleverly it is connected with other beliefs (tooth fairy, controlling someone through teeth/fingernail/hair)

What I don’t like:
- No such thing. “ COWER BRIEF MORTALS. HO.HO.HO.”

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Quotes Melindam Liked

“Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

2089 likes

“Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

tags: humor, macabre

326 likes

“Susan says, don't get afraid, get angry.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

192 likes

“You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?'
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

tags: children, death, discworld, hogfather, humor, humour, important-lessons, lessons, swords

362 likes

“IT'S THE EXPRESSION ON THEIR LITTLE FACES I LIKE, said the Hogfather.
"You mean sort of fear and awe and not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants?"
YES. NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL BELIEF.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

tags: belief

91 likes

“The senior wizards of Unseen University stood and looked at the door.
There was no doubt that whoever had shut it wanted it to stay shut. Dozens of nails secured it to the door frame. Planks had been nailed right across. And finally it had, up until this morning, been hidden by a bookcase that had been put in front of it.
'And there's the sign, Ridcully,' said the Dean. 'You have read it, I assume. You know? The sign which says "Do not, under any circumstances, open this door"?'
'Of course I've read it,' said Ridcully. 'Why d'yer think I want it opened?'
'Er ... why?' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
'To see why they wanted it shut, of course.'
This exchange contains almost all you need to know about human civilization. At least, those bits of it that are now under the sea, fenced off or still smoking.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

57 likes

“The Auditors fluttered anxiously. And, as always happens in their species when something goes radically wrong and needs fixing instantly, they settled down to try to work how who was to blame.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

tags: blame

26 likes

“BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU’VE GOT, IS THAT THE IDEA?

“That’s about the size of it, master. A good god line, that. Don’t give ’em too much and tell ’em to be happy with it. Jam tomorrow, see.”

THIS IS WRONG. Death hesitated. I MEAN…IT’S RIGHT TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU’VE GOT. BUT YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT HAVING. THERE’S NO POINT IN BEING HAPPY ABOUT HAVING NOTHING.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

49 likes

“Ignorant: a state of not knowing what a pronoun is, or how to find the square root of 27.4, and merely knowing childish and useless things like which of the seventy almost identical-looking species of the purple sea snake are the deadly ones, how to treat the poisonous pith of the Sago-sago tree to make a nourishing gruel, how to foretell the weather by the movements of the tree-climbing Burglar Crab, how to navigate across a thousand miles of featureless ocean by means of a piece of string and a small clay model of your grandfather, how to get essential vitamins from the liver of the ferocious Ice Bear, and other such trivial matters. It’s a strange thing that when everyone becomes educated, everyone knows about the pronoun but no one knows about the Sago-sago.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

10 likes

“Credulous: having views about the world, the universe and humanity’s place in it that are shared only by very unsophisticated people and the most intelligent and advanced mathematicians and physicists.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

7 likes

“And this ‘rebooting’ business? Give it a good kicking, do you?” “Oh, no, of course, we…that is…well, yes, in fact,” said Ponder. “Adrian goes round the back and…er…prods it with his foot. But in a technical way,” he added.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

5 likes

“No, no, no!” said Albert. “You got to put a bit of life in it, sir, no offense intended. It’s got to be a big fat laugh. You got to…you got to sound like you’re pissing brandy and crapping plum pudding, sir, excuse my Klatchian.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

4 likes

“The snow had done what even wizards and the Watch couldn’t do, which was clean up Ankh-Morpork. It hadn’t had time to get dirty. In the morning it’d probably look as though the city had been covered in coffee meringue, but for now it mounded the bushes and trees in pure white.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

4 likes

“A bully, thought Susan. A very small, weak, very dull bully, who doesn’t manage any real bullying because there’s hardly anyone smaller and weaker than him, so he just makes everyone’s lives just that little bit more difficult…”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

7 likes

“Ridcully sat in horrified amazement. He’d always enjoyed Hogswatch, every bit of it. He’d enjoyed seeing ancient relatives, he’d enjoyed the food, he’d been good at games like Chase My Neighbor up the Passage and Hooray Jolly Tinker. He was always the first to don a paper hat. He felt that paper hats lent a special festive air to the occasion. And he always very carefully read the messages on Hogswatch cards and found time for a few kind thoughts about the sender. Listening to his wizards was like watching someone kick apart a doll’s house.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

5 likes

“Well, er…it’s…well, it’s…it’s symbolic, Archchancellor.” “Ah?” The Senior Wrangler felt that something more was expected. He groped around in the dusty attics of his education. “Of…the leaves, d’y’see…they’re symbolic of…of green, d’y’see, whereas the berries, in fact, yes, the berries symbolize…symbolize white. Yes. White and green. Very…symbolic.” He waited. He was not, unfortunately, disappointed. “What of?” The Senior Wrangler coughed. “I’m not sure there has to be an of,” he said. “Ah? So,” said the Archchancellor, thoughtfully, “it could be said that the white and green symbolize a small parasitic plant?” “Yes, indeed,” said the Senior Wrangler. “So mistletoe, in fact, symbolizes mistletoe?” “Exactly, Archchancellor,” said the Senior Wrangler, who was now just hanging on. “Funny thing, that,” said Ridcully, in the same thoughtful tone of voice. “That statement is either so deep it would take a lifetime to fully comprehend every particle of its meaning, or it is a load of absolute tosh. Which is it, I wonder?”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

4 likes

“The members of the Guild of Assassins considered themselves cultured men who enjoyed good music and food and literature. And they knew the value of human life. To a penny, in many cases.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

8 likes

“Though here’s a tip, though. Just ‘ho, ho, ho’ will do. Don’t say, ‘Cower, brief mortals’ unless you want them to grow up to be moneylenders or some such.”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

8 likes

“Lord Downey was an assassin. Or, rather, an Assassin. The capital letter was important. It separated those curs who went around murdering people for money from the gentlemen who were occasionally consulted by other gentlemen who wished to have removed, for a consideration, any inconvenient razor blades from the candyfloss of life”
― Terry Pratchett, Hogfather

7 likes