Onanism Quotes

“Masturbation is not the happiest form of sexuality, but the most advisable for him who wants to be alone and think. I detect the aroma of this pleasant vice in most philosophers, and a happily married logicians is almost a contradiction in terms. So many sages have regarded Woman as temptress because fornication often leads to marriage, which usually leads to children, which always leads to a respectable job and pretending to believe the idiocies your neighbors believe. The hypocrisy of the sages has been to conceal their timid onanism and call it celibacy.”
― Robert Anton Wilson, Nature's God

“Some women do not masturbate for pleasure; they masturbate to make a political statement: to remind us that women do not really need men (or at least not as much and as frequently as every single male chauvinist and every single misogynist believes).”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

“Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine enthusiasm, "Give me masturbation or give me death." Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, "To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion." In another place this experienced observer has said, "There are times when I prefer it to sodomy." Robinson Crusoe says, "I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art." Queen Elizabeth said, "It is the bulwark of virginity." Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, "A jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush." The immortal Franklin has said, "Masturbation is the best policy." Michelangelo and all of the other old masters--"old masters," I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction--have used similar language. Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, "Self-negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and tame compared with self-abuse." Mr. Brown, here, in one of his latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in an eloquent line which is destined to live to the end of time--"None knows it but to love it; none name it but to praise.”
― Mark Twain, On Masturbation

“It was masturbation, not willpower, that made it possible for gazillions of women to walk down the aisle with their reputation and their hymen still intact.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

“Some women have been faking orgasms for so long that they sometimes fake one when they are masturbating.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

“A man cannot really be called (sexually) confident if he has never bought his woman a vibrator.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

“Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most cultured society it has long been banished from the social board. It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence. Among the best bred, these two arts are now indulged in only private--though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the fundamental sigh.”
― Mark Twain, On Masturbation

“Some people are so sexually unattractive that the thought of masturbating turns them off.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

“Most if not all sexually active people do not really love having sex; they merely love experiencing an orgasm every now and then.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

“The primary goal of a righteous parent who has a daughter is to minimize the number of boys and men for whom their daughter will have willingly opened her legs come her wedding day; the closer to zero, the more righteous they will seem.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

“Coco Chanel is said to have said that a girl should be two things: who and what she is. I say a girl should do two things: what and who she wants.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

“Some men do not know the father of 'their' children.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

“Jos helvetti on olemassa, niin minun kohdallani se on alkanut jo maan päällä. Jos helvetti on olemassa, niin minun kohdallani se tulee olemaan tämmöistä, tuonpuoleisessa, haudantakaisessa maailmassa.
Jos helvetti on olemassa ja sinne joudutaan synnin vuoksi, joudun minä olemaan siellä runkkaamisen vuoksi.
Minä joudun runkkaamaan siellä ikuista runkkiaja hekuman huippu tapahtuu tuomiopäivänä. Perkeleen perkele!”
― Kalervo Palsa

“Onanism was hardly murder. Masturbation did not fall within the category of mania but instead was thought to cause mental and physical deterioration. I’d witnessed attempted cures involving mechanical restraints, surgery and moral discipline, most often delivered in clinical settings. None of which had probably been offered Mr. Tarski. I’d entered the cell expecting a monster. I left having met a simpleton. Tarski was not the Shoreditch killer.”
― Thea Sutton, The Women of Blackmouth Street