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Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships
You can't get what you unless you ask for it!
"My favorite thing when I'm working with clients is when their eyes go wide with the 'ah-ha' moment that they really can have the sex life of their dreams. It's my hope that with this book, you can as well."--Stella Harris
Sex is still a touchy subject despite recent sex-positive advances. We live in a culture that vilifies people who are sexually adventurous and frames our kinks as shame-inducing perversions. Many people have never been able to talk openly about sex with their partner(s). But, you can get what you want out of the bedroom--if you ask for it. Why should anyone settle for mediocre sex?!
Whether addressing sexual frustration with your partner, trying out new fantasies, or negotiating the terms of a BDSM scene, Stella Harris believes that communication skills are vital to sexual fulfillment. Tongue Tied gives readers straightforward advice on how to conquer their fears, identify their needs, and feel positively empowered. Harris charmingly takes readers through all aspects of communication, from basic interpersonal skills to negotiation advice for expert-level kink play. Learn how to have fun, embrace silly moments, support your loved ones, and take personal responsibility for your desires.
An incredible guide full of exercises, tools, and personal examples, Tongue Tied is a must-read for people of every experience level and relationship status.
"My favorite thing when I'm working with clients is when their eyes go wide with the 'ah-ha' moment that they really can have the sex life of their dreams. It's my hope that with this book, you can as well."--Stella Harris
Sex is still a touchy subject despite recent sex-positive advances. We live in a culture that vilifies people who are sexually adventurous and frames our kinks as shame-inducing perversions. Many people have never been able to talk openly about sex with their partner(s). But, you can get what you want out of the bedroom--if you ask for it. Why should anyone settle for mediocre sex?!
Whether addressing sexual frustration with your partner, trying out new fantasies, or negotiating the terms of a BDSM scene, Stella Harris believes that communication skills are vital to sexual fulfillment. Tongue Tied gives readers straightforward advice on how to conquer their fears, identify their needs, and feel positively empowered. Harris charmingly takes readers through all aspects of communication, from basic interpersonal skills to negotiation advice for expert-level kink play. Learn how to have fun, embrace silly moments, support your loved ones, and take personal responsibility for your desires.
An incredible guide full of exercises, tools, and personal examples, Tongue Tied is a must-read for people of every experience level and relationship status.
285 pages, Paperback
Published September 11, 2018
About the author
Stella Harris
21 books36 followersStella has loved books for as long as she can remember. Her mother was a librarian and so Stella spent countless hours hiding and exploring among the stacks. She believes to this day that books hold all the secrets worth knowing.
Stella holds a degree in Sociology from the beautiful University of California at Santa Cruz. She finds people, and the ways they relate to each other, endlessly fascinating. Her studies had a special emphasis on gender and sexuality and these remain issues close to her heart. Stella believes love comes in many forms and hopes to celebrate that with her writing.
You can find her online at www.stellaharris.net on Instagram as @stellaharrisereotica and on twitter @stellaerotica
Stella holds a degree in Sociology from the beautiful University of California at Santa Cruz. She finds people, and the ways they relate to each other, endlessly fascinating. Her studies had a special emphasis on gender and sexuality and these remain issues close to her heart. Stella believes love comes in many forms and hopes to celebrate that with her writing.
You can find her online at www.stellaharris.net on Instagram as @stellaharrisereotica and on twitter @stellaerotica
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Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews
February 25, 2019
I've been writing professionally about sex for 15 years, but even I sometimes have trouble talking to intimate partners about sex. In theory, it's easy, but in practice it can be more challenging, especially when the stakes feel high emotionally. Stella Harris is an excellent guide on the topic, offering practical insights and actual suggested conversation starters. She gets into the very real issues that many people face in talking about sex, whether that's fear of rejection or simply wanting to be understood. She discusses why silly role play can be helpful, shows you you can track your arousal, and how to tackle the very common situation where only one partner in a relationship has a particular sexual fantasy. Her best tools, such as her negotiation checklist, make the act of having these discussions much easier, in addition to showing how common these struggles are. She also makes it clear that there are worse things than sexual rejection, when she writes, "I'm excited when someone says not to me, because it means if/when that person says yes to something, I can believe them." Tongue Tied was useful to me in getting over the nerves I still sometimes feel and in providing a practical road map for these conversations. I wish I'd had this book in my 20s and 30s!
January 17, 2021
This is my second time reading Tongue-Tied and my initial impression remains the same: This is the best book I’ve ever read for learning how to communicate with a partner about sex and kink. I highly recommend this for anyone who struggles with communication in their relationships. While there are places where I wish more was said — including the chapter on kink and negotiation — I know that as a basic primer, the info given on those topics is enough to get a total newbie started. For kinksters, I think it would be easy to say this book doesn’t apply because it’s so basic but looking at each topic through the lens of a power exchange or kink negotiation can still be useful and helpful. And, no matter how good we think we are at communication (raises hand), we can always use a reminder of the basics that are easy to forget when we’re stressed or angry.
June 18, 2023
I'm going to be blunt. I've spent my entire life having awful to bad sex, with occasional diversions into decent sex. There are a lot of reasons for that, but the most basic is that I never asked any of my partners to do the things I wanted to do. The thesis of this book is that if you can get over the weird American-Protestant shame hang-ups around sex to think clearly about what you want and then ask other people to help, you can have good sex.
My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that
Harris is a professional sex coach and intimacy educator, so her idea of good sex is pretty adventurous, with parties, multiple partners, and a lot of toys. But even if you're much much more vanilla, or only gradually looking to spice things up, this is a clear and easy book for working through your issues and getting to better sex.
My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that
Harris is a professional sex coach and intimacy educator, so her idea of good sex is pretty adventurous, with parties, multiple partners, and a lot of toys. But even if you're much much more vanilla, or only gradually looking to spice things up, this is a clear and easy book for working through your issues and getting to better sex.
February 2, 2022
Solid. Straightforward. Clear. 3.5 stars
August 29, 2018
I reviewed this book which was provided for free by the publisher. However, I do not recieve any compensation for reviews. All book reviews are my personal and subjective opinion. This is cross posted from my blog
If you are a human who talks to other humans, you should read this book.
Tongue Tied is a work I would have loved to read when I was younger. While seemingly aimed at sexually active couples, Tongue Tied is useful for all people, including "vanilla" single virgins. Stella Harris, the author, covers a range of topics with an overall theme of learning how to get your needs met. Encouraging open and honest communication, Stella gives readers the agency to advocate for themselves and their needs--in and out of the bedroom. Early chapters offer basic ways to improve platonic interpersonal communications, skills of which will carry over to deeper conversations in more complicated relationships. Impressively, there are also exercises to refine your relationship with yourself, a topic most relationship books gloss over.
While reading, I could see how valuable Tongue Tied would be to teens, especially young girls, who are socialized to worry more about hurting someone's feelings than to respect their own needs. Stella gives solid advice on negotiating sex, the influence of money, and how to have difficult conversations (including breakups and rejection), which would prepare these fledglings for the dating world. Coupled with the exercises for identifying personal and cultural biases, Stella does an exemplary job of pointing out and counteracting the unhealthy behaviors that society and the media have convinced us are "normal". A favorite excerpt of mine is on saying or hearing 'no',
This sort of positive spin is refreshing to hear and shows that all communication is good, even the conversations that don't end the way one might hope.
In a perfect world, Tongue Tied would be required reading as part of every Sex Ed curriculum. With the age of first sexual contact becoming increasingly lower, Tongue Tied gives readers communication tools that otherwise would only be learned after years of trial, error, and pursuit of knowledge. As I was reading, I found myself nodding on a regular basis as I recognized bits of advice that Stella was relaying, and making mental notes of where I first encountered it. Even with all of my various education, Stella still surprised, and I discovered gems of information that were new to me. I'm looking forward to reading through Tongue Tied a second time and doing the corresponding journal exercises. Tongue Tied has so much information all pooled into one place, I'm confident that it is going to be the next standard text in the BDSM community.
You can buy Tongue Tied here.
If you are a human who talks to other humans, you should read this book.
Tongue Tied is a work I would have loved to read when I was younger. While seemingly aimed at sexually active couples, Tongue Tied is useful for all people, including "vanilla" single virgins. Stella Harris, the author, covers a range of topics with an overall theme of learning how to get your needs met. Encouraging open and honest communication, Stella gives readers the agency to advocate for themselves and their needs--in and out of the bedroom. Early chapters offer basic ways to improve platonic interpersonal communications, skills of which will carry over to deeper conversations in more complicated relationships. Impressively, there are also exercises to refine your relationship with yourself, a topic most relationship books gloss over.
While reading, I could see how valuable Tongue Tied would be to teens, especially young girls, who are socialized to worry more about hurting someone's feelings than to respect their own needs. Stella gives solid advice on negotiating sex, the influence of money, and how to have difficult conversations (including breakups and rejection), which would prepare these fledglings for the dating world. Coupled with the exercises for identifying personal and cultural biases, Stella does an exemplary job of pointing out and counteracting the unhealthy behaviors that society and the media have convinced us are "normal". A favorite excerpt of mine is on saying or hearing 'no',
I'm excited when someone says no to me, because it means if/when that person says yes to something, I can believe them.
This sort of positive spin is refreshing to hear and shows that all communication is good, even the conversations that don't end the way one might hope.
In a perfect world, Tongue Tied would be required reading as part of every Sex Ed curriculum. With the age of first sexual contact becoming increasingly lower, Tongue Tied gives readers communication tools that otherwise would only be learned after years of trial, error, and pursuit of knowledge. As I was reading, I found myself nodding on a regular basis as I recognized bits of advice that Stella was relaying, and making mental notes of where I first encountered it. Even with all of my various education, Stella still surprised, and I discovered gems of information that were new to me. I'm looking forward to reading through Tongue Tied a second time and doing the corresponding journal exercises. Tongue Tied has so much information all pooled into one place, I'm confident that it is going to be the next standard text in the BDSM community.
You can buy Tongue Tied here.
July 12, 2022
I actually expected more it terms of “Tongue Tied” I thought that’s what the book was centered around, I needed more on that matter however it branched of into other topics like kinks etc. It wasn’t a bad read but I didn’t expected it to branch of into other discussions.
July 5, 2024
An all-around excellent work with a strong focus on human communication. While it's main agency lies with educating people around communication with kink and/or polyamorous interests, I found several of the points, chapters and exercises helpful for my own monogamous relationship.
The continuous use of LGBTQIA+-friendly language and perspectives is also a big plus.
You might also enjoy this book if you want to get better at communicating your needs and wants to a partner (within or outside of sexual encounters), understand their needs and wants, and take a more structured approach to communication with your partner(s) in general.
This book might not be the right fit for you if you adhere to a strictly monogamous lifestyle and/or are not interested in kink play (because there might be better books to cover your bases, and this book might touch on a variety of topics that hold little relevance to you). However, there will still be plenty of relevant ideas, concepts and exercises for you in this book - so you might want to give it a try anyway.
This book is definitely not the right fit for you if talking or reading about sex or sexuality makes you uncomfortable, or you are struggling with sexuality yourself. In that case, maybe "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski would be a helpful and liberating book to pick up instead.
The continuous use of LGBTQIA+-friendly language and perspectives is also a big plus.
You might also enjoy this book if you want to get better at communicating your needs and wants to a partner (within or outside of sexual encounters), understand their needs and wants, and take a more structured approach to communication with your partner(s) in general.
This book might not be the right fit for you if you adhere to a strictly monogamous lifestyle and/or are not interested in kink play (because there might be better books to cover your bases, and this book might touch on a variety of topics that hold little relevance to you). However, there will still be plenty of relevant ideas, concepts and exercises for you in this book - so you might want to give it a try anyway.
This book is definitely not the right fit for you if talking or reading about sex or sexuality makes you uncomfortable, or you are struggling with sexuality yourself. In that case, maybe "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski would be a helpful and liberating book to pick up instead.
March 17, 2022
This is such a good starting place for anyone who wants to get better at communicating about intimacy or kink. People who are well versed in the kink scene may find this book to be a little too simple, but it’s always good to review the basics. Harris makes use of clear examples in order to illustrate her instructions, which is very helpful since the goal of the book is to teach real-life skills. Sometimes the tone of the book can feel condescending or overly conversational, but that’s just a preference of mine. I do like how the tone is light and playful, because intimacy and connection should be happy and fun rather than tedious and intimidating. One particular issue I took with the book is when Harris writes about how to feel confident, and she encourages the behaviors of seeking reassurance and “replacing negative thoughts with positive ones.” Neither of these behaviors are based in mindfulness, and it bothered me that she so casually gave out psychological advice that can be damaging for anyone who has obsessive tendencies or simply does not respond well to that type of approach to “negative thoughts.” A lot of advice books have this issue, and someone who does not know much about therapy or mental health advice may not even notice it.
December 22, 2018
This book is a fantastic resource for anyone who wants to have a clearer idea of what they want out of a sexual relationship and how to ask for it. It's useful for anyone ranging from longtime kink/BDSM practicioners to those with no idea what those terms mean beyond being the pornography categories with the "weird" stuff.
What's even better is the confidence, assertiveness, and capacity for establishing and respecting boundaries gained by practicing clear and effective communication regarding this tricky subject will have a positive impact on your other relationships as well. Being able to know and ask for what you want in the bedroom, where most people feel particularly poorly informed and vulnerable, makes doing so at the office or among your friends a whole lot less scary.
What's even better is the confidence, assertiveness, and capacity for establishing and respecting boundaries gained by practicing clear and effective communication regarding this tricky subject will have a positive impact on your other relationships as well. Being able to know and ask for what you want in the bedroom, where most people feel particularly poorly informed and vulnerable, makes doing so at the office or among your friends a whole lot less scary.
June 1, 2022
Es un libro interesante sobre la comunicación sobre sexo. Es una especie de guía que explica conceptos y da ideas para mantener relaciones sexuales sanas, ya sea con una pareja fija o con parejas esporádicas.
Me ha gustado, pero hacia mitad del libro he empezado a perder el interés. Habla sobre temas que me interesan menos o con los que no me puedo identificar, lo que no significa que sea una mala lectura o que no se pueda aprovechar y aprender de él.
Me ha gustado, pero hacia mitad del libro he empezado a perder el interés. Habla sobre temas que me interesan menos o con los que no me puedo identificar, lo que no significa que sea una mala lectura o que no se pueda aprovechar y aprender de él.
Read
June 28, 2024I read this for a book club and I would recommend it.
I scanned through a lot of this book because most of it was about communication and being respectful of yourself and your partner. Don’t bring things into the bedroom like guilt, shame, hating your body etc. Do bring curiosity, love, humor, respect and so on.
There were many things that I didn’t really agree with but I did like hearing her perspective on them.
I scanned through a lot of this book because most of it was about communication and being respectful of yourself and your partner. Don’t bring things into the bedroom like guilt, shame, hating your body etc. Do bring curiosity, love, humor, respect and so on.
There were many things that I didn’t really agree with but I did like hearing her perspective on them.
June 3, 2020
Stella has written a fantastic resource for those looking to improve their communication in every part of a relationship. I wish I'd had it years ago when I was first beginning to navigate sexual relationships. It's particularly helpful for those who are non-monogamous and/or kinky but you don't have to be to be able to benefit from her tips. Her knowledge and experience is very evident.
July 1, 2021
We read this as our book club book for the last 12 weeks. There are many great ideas in this book for talking to your partner(s) about both of your wants needs and desires. Ensuring you are on the same page regarding definitions of monogamy, and what constitutes a relationship. Harris provides lists of things to discuss which makes having those conversations easier.
May 20, 2023
This book has great information about communication for any relationship (yes, a lot of it is geared toward conversations one should have in relationships involving sex, and there is a lot of great information that can be applied to everyday conversations for platonic relationships as well). I would definitely recommend this to anyone who has trouble communicating with anyone.
December 23, 2019
Excellent resource. The author explains cohesively and clearly with plenty of examples. An easy read that I dogearred often for points to go back to. I found this to be a clear cut and genuine guide to communication in multiple forms.
January 3, 2020
This book was FANTASTIC! So much so that I'm giving it to a friend as a Christmas present AND I took photos of snippets I wanted to remember. It's helping me change the way I think about relationships and how I communicate with others.
EXCELLENT READ!
EXCELLENT READ!
January 24, 2020
Excellent book about communication with helpful prompts, exercises, and real-life scenarios.
April 14, 2020
more a personal 3.5
May 28, 2021
This book is really great at explaining how communication should be approached between partners in the bedroom and when it comes to things like kink. I really learned some great info from it!
January 18, 2022
So much more than sex!
The best part of this book is the idea of how to communicate in a relationship
Absolutely amazing, would recommend
The best part of this book is the idea of how to communicate in a relationship
Absolutely amazing, would recommend
November 16, 2023
Loads of communication information. Going to buy a copy.
January 2, 2022
Very helpful book about communication in relationships, especially if you’re actively dating and seeking sexual partners. There’s also a lot of information for people who may want to get involved or who already are involved in kink, BDSM, or polyamorous communities. The author is a sex therapist and active member of all those communities. While not everything in this book was relevant, most of the information is focused on healthy communication practices for relationships.
Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews