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The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse
The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse is the most comprehensive and helpful book on the topic of covert narcissism. This type of narcissism is one of the most damaging forms because the abuse is so hidden and so insidious. You can be in a relationship that can last for decades and not realize you are being psychologically and emotionally controlled, manipulated, and abused. These people are well liked, they are often the pillars of the community. Parents, spouses, bosses, and friends who are covert narcissists come across as the nicest people. They can be spiritual leaders, they are moms who bring over casseroles to needy people, they are the bosses that everyone loves and feels so lucky to work for. These relationships are incredibly confusing and damaging. They leave you questioning your own sanity and reality. Even though they are treating you terribly, you wonder if you are the problem, if you are the one to blame. You are filled with constant self-doubt when it comes to these people in your life. When you are around them you feel confused and muddled inside. You have a hard time seeing clearly. These relationships can bring you to a state of deep depression and complete depletion of energy. You may wonder if you will ever see clearly and heal from these destructive and debilitating relationships. This book will give you hope that you can heal and feel alive again, or maybe for the first time. You will learn what the traits of a covert narcissist are as well as how they control and manipulate. Your eyes will open and your experience will be validated. You will also learn ways to heal and actually enjoy life again. Debbie Mirza uses decades of her own experience with covert narcissists as well as her years of practice as a life coach who specializes in helping people recover and heal from these types of relationships.
226 pages, Paperback
First published December 6, 2017
About the author
Debbie Mirza
7 books38 followersDebbie Mirza is a best-selling author, restorative coach, and singer/songwriter.
She is the author of The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse, Worthy of Love: A Gentle and Restorative Path to Healing after Narcissistic Abuse, and The Safest Place Possible: A Guide to Healing and Transformation.
In addition to her books, she has created helpful resources for people who have been through relationships with covert narcissists such as online courses, guided meditations, and an informational YouTube channel.
Debbie looks forward to writing more books and creating more projects that will help people heal and be able to see the truth of their own magnificence.
Debbie’s books, music, and resources can all be found on her website, https://debbiemirza.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/debmirza
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/debbiemirzac...
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/debbiemirza/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@debbiemirza1744
She is the author of The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse, Worthy of Love: A Gentle and Restorative Path to Healing after Narcissistic Abuse, and The Safest Place Possible: A Guide to Healing and Transformation.
In addition to her books, she has created helpful resources for people who have been through relationships with covert narcissists such as online courses, guided meditations, and an informational YouTube channel.
Debbie looks forward to writing more books and creating more projects that will help people heal and be able to see the truth of their own magnificence.
Debbie’s books, music, and resources can all be found on her website, https://debbiemirza.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/debmirza
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/debbiemirzac...
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/debbiemirza/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@debbiemirza1744
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 221 reviews
August 19, 2024
If you want to know if someone you love, your partner, boss, parent, sister is a Covert Narcissist THIS book can’t be missed. This is the best book I’ve read from many on the Covert Narcissist.
It’s written in plain non-psycho babble wording. It outlines everything you need to know from traits to specific techniques of abuse and cycles this Narcissist puts you through. I broke a cardinal rule for this paperback...
Shock! I underlined and highlighted everywhere! With a pen! Arrest-able offence I know. I had to! It was like the author spoke directly to me. Every question I’ve ever had was answered. I’ve had Narcissistic people, both overt and Covert in my life all my life and only now am recognising this abuse that wears you down until there is not a bit of spark left in you.
Understanding what you are up against and that a true Narcissist CANNOT and rarely changes can help you start to heal. You can’t apply logic to these people. You are part of a horrible painful cruel game. Sad but true.
The author really cares for the reader, those under Narcissist bonds. It really comes across. Every word of this book made sense, brought revelation and clarity. I read this for myself and partly for research for a novel I’m writing. It exceeded all expectations. If it’s the only book on Covert Narcissism you read you are in good hands.
Get this book. Even if you suspect a Covert Narcissist is in your life. This could be life changing for you.
Thanks so much for reading my review! If you’d like to connect you can follow me or please send me a friend request. 🐱I love to read other reviews and talk about books we are reading.
If you are an Author and you’d like me to consider reading and reviewing your book please just message me.
It’s written in plain non-psycho babble wording. It outlines everything you need to know from traits to specific techniques of abuse and cycles this Narcissist puts you through. I broke a cardinal rule for this paperback...
Shock! I underlined and highlighted everywhere! With a pen! Arrest-able offence I know. I had to! It was like the author spoke directly to me. Every question I’ve ever had was answered. I’ve had Narcissistic people, both overt and Covert in my life all my life and only now am recognising this abuse that wears you down until there is not a bit of spark left in you.
Understanding what you are up against and that a true Narcissist CANNOT and rarely changes can help you start to heal. You can’t apply logic to these people. You are part of a horrible painful cruel game. Sad but true.
The author really cares for the reader, those under Narcissist bonds. It really comes across. Every word of this book made sense, brought revelation and clarity. I read this for myself and partly for research for a novel I’m writing. It exceeded all expectations. If it’s the only book on Covert Narcissism you read you are in good hands.
Get this book. Even if you suspect a Covert Narcissist is in your life. This could be life changing for you.
Thanks so much for reading my review! If you’d like to connect you can follow me or please send me a friend request. 🐱I love to read other reviews and talk about books we are reading.
If you are an Author and you’d like me to consider reading and reviewing your book please just message me.
February 17, 2023
Said to have been written about covert rather than overt narcissists this book addressed a few important distinctions but actually never contrasted them. I knew the distinctions from my previous textbook and research but I doubt too many others do.
It was also posited that narcissists and psychopaths are very similar. Firstly, careful with the distinctions between psychopath, sociopath and antisocial personality (disorder), these were also not explained but all lumped in together.
Something that increasingly irritates me in books like these is also that the other cluster B's are never mentioned, particularly BPD which is shockingly underdiagnosed in men for example but especially covert narcissists often have far more borderline (and histrionic) than antisocial traits.
The chapter on what type of people fall for narcissists read like a glorification of them. Apparently they have no faults whatsoever... This is not realistic and although the author came from a loving background as she stated many victims of abuse do not. Just like the abusers by the way.
I would have preferred a bit more psychology and science personally but I know many people prefer a book who speaks more to their emotions, and is very upbeat and encouraging.
It was a good but flawed read for me personally.
It was also posited that narcissists and psychopaths are very similar. Firstly, careful with the distinctions between psychopath, sociopath and antisocial personality (disorder), these were also not explained but all lumped in together.
Something that increasingly irritates me in books like these is also that the other cluster B's are never mentioned, particularly BPD which is shockingly underdiagnosed in men for example but especially covert narcissists often have far more borderline (and histrionic) than antisocial traits.
The chapter on what type of people fall for narcissists read like a glorification of them. Apparently they have no faults whatsoever... This is not realistic and although the author came from a loving background as she stated many victims of abuse do not. Just like the abusers by the way.
I would have preferred a bit more psychology and science personally but I know many people prefer a book who speaks more to their emotions, and is very upbeat and encouraging.
It was a good but flawed read for me personally.
June 4, 2018
Perfect! It was hard for me to find information that's helpful to someone who wasn't in a romantic narc relationship, but was dealing with a covert narc family member. Very informative, helpful, eye opening, and heartfelt. Really helps to kick your brain out of the long term narc programming. I definitely recommend that readers do the exercises in the last chapters. Thank you, Debbie for writing this book!
June 15, 2020
To everyone who can relate to this quote from the book, this book is for your! And it will help you on your journey of healing as it is helping me:
"You have been through a tremendously difficult and painful experience. You have been treated terribly by someone who is selfish and doesn't care about you. You have been given messages about who you are that are not true. You have been conned, manipulated, lied to, and brainwashed. You have been belittled, talked down to, and treated with disrespect. You were used. You have been blamed for things that had nothing to do with you. You have been made to feel like things are wrong with you when they are not. You have been treated in a way that has made you doubt yourself. Someone who does not have your bet interest at heart has controlled you."
"You have been through a tremendously difficult and painful experience. You have been treated terribly by someone who is selfish and doesn't care about you. You have been given messages about who you are that are not true. You have been conned, manipulated, lied to, and brainwashed. You have been belittled, talked down to, and treated with disrespect. You were used. You have been blamed for things that had nothing to do with you. You have been made to feel like things are wrong with you when they are not. You have been treated in a way that has made you doubt yourself. Someone who does not have your bet interest at heart has controlled you."
April 17, 2022
4 Stars = Very GOOD!
March 14, 2021
A bit of a caveat in 2021 - I recommended Richard in this review vs reading this book but during Covid he and Meredith Miller have gone down the crazy train of conspiracy and are both starting to sound like the manipulators they’ve been teaching people to heal from. So, Richard’s course was very helpful for me BUT if you’re in the thick of shit and still very susceptible, I’d err on side of not looking at ANYTHING he did in 2020 and beyond. He’s also very problematic when it comes to BLM and has drank some Candace Owens kool-aid. I’d remove the recommendation all together but the truth is, his earlier shit (along w Meredith’s) really helped me immensely so I don’t feel it’s appropriate to throw the baby out w the bath water.
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(Original Review)
Meh... honestly it was nothing earth shattering and in fact, it felt WAY too cheerleadery when it came to addressing the victims of CN. The whole chapter on who becomes victims of a Covert Narcissist was nothing but "they are amazing, smart, intelligent, caring...blah blah blah people." That is NOT helpful Debbie, unless you're a victim wanting to stay in a victim role when it comes to these types of personality disorders. Yeah people who have suffered at the hands of a CN may be amazing BUT there are also some very distinct things that draw CN's TO THEM and THAT wasn't even brushed upon, let alone really looked at. I wouldn't recommend this to someone who has suffered at the hand of a CN, and suffer one does. I'd HIGHLY recommend, instead, getting Richard Grannon's (The Spartan Life Coach) course on Covert Narcissism. He dives, deeply, into the type of person who attracts a CN and why WE may be attracted to a CN, which allows us to acknowledge some hard truths but in doing so, also allows one to HEAL and NOT become a magnet (both ways) to a CN. He also has some really actionable exercises, which Debbie's book severely lacked, save for the tiny little writing prompts she gave near the end.
So overall, disappointed in this. If you've never read a book on CN though, you may find some value in learning about the different types of subtle manipulation that are used so that's why I gave it 2 stars. This was the only book I've read specifically on CN but since I had read Should I Stay or Should I Go, Rethinking Narcissism and the 30 Subtle Manipulation Tactics books... this added nothing to my toolbox. Richard Grannon on the other hand, I ALWAYS learn something from. If you REALLY want to heal and have a good hard look at your self in relation w/ Covert Narcissists, take the money you would've spent on this and buy his course instead.
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(Original Review)
Meh... honestly it was nothing earth shattering and in fact, it felt WAY too cheerleadery when it came to addressing the victims of CN. The whole chapter on who becomes victims of a Covert Narcissist was nothing but "they are amazing, smart, intelligent, caring...blah blah blah people." That is NOT helpful Debbie, unless you're a victim wanting to stay in a victim role when it comes to these types of personality disorders. Yeah people who have suffered at the hands of a CN may be amazing BUT there are also some very distinct things that draw CN's TO THEM and THAT wasn't even brushed upon, let alone really looked at. I wouldn't recommend this to someone who has suffered at the hand of a CN, and suffer one does. I'd HIGHLY recommend, instead, getting Richard Grannon's (The Spartan Life Coach) course on Covert Narcissism. He dives, deeply, into the type of person who attracts a CN and why WE may be attracted to a CN, which allows us to acknowledge some hard truths but in doing so, also allows one to HEAL and NOT become a magnet (both ways) to a CN. He also has some really actionable exercises, which Debbie's book severely lacked, save for the tiny little writing prompts she gave near the end.
So overall, disappointed in this. If you've never read a book on CN though, you may find some value in learning about the different types of subtle manipulation that are used so that's why I gave it 2 stars. This was the only book I've read specifically on CN but since I had read Should I Stay or Should I Go, Rethinking Narcissism and the 30 Subtle Manipulation Tactics books... this added nothing to my toolbox. Richard Grannon on the other hand, I ALWAYS learn something from. If you REALLY want to heal and have a good hard look at your self in relation w/ Covert Narcissists, take the money you would've spent on this and buy his course instead.
February 26, 2023
This is probably a great book for its intended audience, and there is some really good information in here. However, I really struggled with it for several reasons, though I had some good takeaways. I read it with a highlighter, which helped it be more useful. (I didn't mark grammatical errors, but the book would be saturated in red ink, if I'd done that.)
A friend recommended this to me. Straight away, I was super put off by a few things: neither the author nor the author of the endorsing foreword have any degrees in this (or any other) field. They are life coaches and survivors. That only made me a little skeptical, but I wasn't even through the intro before I was really bugged by the automatic assumption that 1) the person reading is a victim; 2) the person reading has accurately diagnosed their own situation and is in no way projecting their own problems/issues onto another party; 3) the constant, almost suffocating reassurance that the reader is smart, brilliant, etc. This woman automatically validates the reader without any knowledge of who the reader is! "You are a brilliant individual that has been beaten down, lied to, and manipulated, so you naturally have a lot of self-doubts." Again...the author has no idea who is picking up this book.
I loathe it when women automatically validate their female friends' complaints about anything wrong in their life as not their own fault. Now - having said all that, I agree with a lot the author says. There are certainly people who have been trainwrecked by a covert and/or passive-aggressive narcissist. I agree that a person should listen to their gut, their intuition, and their body. If you are chronically ill and strongly suspect it is because of a toxic relationship, I agree with her that your body is trying to tell you something. Even so, just because some woman picks up this book doesn't mean she's right or smart - or even a legitimate victim.
Then there are the endless promises, including this one: "You will experience love (the real thing this time)..." Um...really? Maybe not. There is no guarantee that any of us is going to find a healthy partner. Also, even if we were to suppose that the reader has correctly diagnosed their partner doesn't mean they won't fall into another similar relationship -a super common occurrence when it comes to abusive relationships. Perpetrators are excellent at selecting vulnerable targets.
Why does the author make all these immediate diagnoses and predictions? She can't possibly validate them...and that makes me super skeptical about anything else she has to say.
Then there's the section on masturbation to "help heal yourself". I understand her premise, though I vehemently disagree with her. I'm sure she can find research that supports - or at least appears to support - her premise, though she neither references nor offers supporting evidence of any kind.
I know her words are meant to feel validating, but I feel patronized with sentences like, “Now it’s time to educate you, dear powerful one…so you can finally see clearly and make your way home.” It comes across as an online newbie trying to pick you up. I loathe being addressed with a pet name by someone who hasn’t even met me. I instantly cringe.
Last of all, I have to wonder if this was self-published. There's no academia to back it up, and there was surely no professional editor. There are a LOT of grammatical errors, misspellings, subject/verb agreement issues, missing commas, badly misplaced modifiers, etc.
All that out of the way, I realize the intended reader probably couldn't care less about the grammar or the credentials. Help is help, I suppose. I just shudder when I see in published form what looks like a copy/paste job off somebody's FacePile account.
A friend recommended this to me. Straight away, I was super put off by a few things: neither the author nor the author of the endorsing foreword have any degrees in this (or any other) field. They are life coaches and survivors. That only made me a little skeptical, but I wasn't even through the intro before I was really bugged by the automatic assumption that 1) the person reading is a victim; 2) the person reading has accurately diagnosed their own situation and is in no way projecting their own problems/issues onto another party; 3) the constant, almost suffocating reassurance that the reader is smart, brilliant, etc. This woman automatically validates the reader without any knowledge of who the reader is! "You are a brilliant individual that has been beaten down, lied to, and manipulated, so you naturally have a lot of self-doubts." Again...the author has no idea who is picking up this book.
I loathe it when women automatically validate their female friends' complaints about anything wrong in their life as not their own fault. Now - having said all that, I agree with a lot the author says. There are certainly people who have been trainwrecked by a covert and/or passive-aggressive narcissist. I agree that a person should listen to their gut, their intuition, and their body. If you are chronically ill and strongly suspect it is because of a toxic relationship, I agree with her that your body is trying to tell you something. Even so, just because some woman picks up this book doesn't mean she's right or smart - or even a legitimate victim.
Then there are the endless promises, including this one: "You will experience love (the real thing this time)..." Um...really? Maybe not. There is no guarantee that any of us is going to find a healthy partner. Also, even if we were to suppose that the reader has correctly diagnosed their partner doesn't mean they won't fall into another similar relationship -a super common occurrence when it comes to abusive relationships. Perpetrators are excellent at selecting vulnerable targets.
Why does the author make all these immediate diagnoses and predictions? She can't possibly validate them...and that makes me super skeptical about anything else she has to say.
Then there's the section on masturbation to "help heal yourself". I understand her premise, though I vehemently disagree with her. I'm sure she can find research that supports - or at least appears to support - her premise, though she neither references nor offers supporting evidence of any kind.
I know her words are meant to feel validating, but I feel patronized with sentences like, “Now it’s time to educate you, dear powerful one…so you can finally see clearly and make your way home.” It comes across as an online newbie trying to pick you up. I loathe being addressed with a pet name by someone who hasn’t even met me. I instantly cringe.
Last of all, I have to wonder if this was self-published. There's no academia to back it up, and there was surely no professional editor. There are a LOT of grammatical errors, misspellings, subject/verb agreement issues, missing commas, badly misplaced modifiers, etc.
All that out of the way, I realize the intended reader probably couldn't care less about the grammar or the credentials. Help is help, I suppose. I just shudder when I see in published form what looks like a copy/paste job off somebody's FacePile account.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 21, 2019
This book was extremely eye opening for me, and I definitely recommend reading it. I would have given five stars, but there was something in the narrative that didn’t sit well with me: not all people with these traits are solely narcissistic. Many have another type of personality disorder with an overlap of these traits. This becomes problematic when the author states over and over that the narc is all bad and the victim is all good. Neither is true of anyone. I’m sure the author gets that, but it’s never explicitly stated anywhere in the book. Someone with BPD with narc traits is not an evil monster. They are suffering intensely. Also, there is more hope for recovery than in someone who is purely narcissistic. I think there should be a brief explanation of this somewhere at the beginning of the book—some sort of disclaimer that acknowledges this possibility of overlapping disorders while clarifying the purpose of the book.
July 21, 2018
Finally, this sub-group of narcissist addressed.
February 22, 2019
Another book that I wish I had of read 20 years ago, but I am so glad that I read it now.
February 22, 2023
i tend to read these books less as a way to solve something in my own life, and more to recognise things in the future and to gain resources for people in my life if they run into whatever the specific problem the book focuses on. the premier example of this is Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, a book that i've recommended to numerous people in bad relationships. i was hopeful of finding something similar here.
i did not find something similar here. while listening to this i thought "well its not for me but i won't give it a bad rating because it might be good for someone who needs it", and then as i listened further i thought "oh no this book is fucking atrocious".
if you are in an abusive relationship, PLEASE just read Why Does He Do That. it provides significantly more usable information, it provides measurable useful steps to exit, and it maintains a helpful yet clinical tone throughout. it is based on evidence from the the author's life, but it is also written by a professional in the field who is relying on research, and who has enough distance to be able to write about the topic without becoming emotionally involved. this is not the case here.
i'm sure that there are people who enjoy the intensely emotional and weepy presentation, personally it came across as condescending and creepy. people reading this book may well need affirmation and help rebuilding their sense of self; a slightly tipsy sounding american telling them that she loves them isn't going to do it. i think that when the author says she "is writing the book that she wishes she could have had" she is being more literal than she intends, it often sounds like she is talking to a specific person rather than a general reader. it's jarring how often she will stop the content of the book dead to say intensely personal things to a reader she's never met.
because of the supposed dearth of literature around this topic, the research for this book occurred primarily through interviews of survivors and through the author's internet trawling. it should be an immediate red flag when she mentions several times that she has pulled information from youtube videos to write this book. she claims to have spoken to therapists and attorneys who are experienced in dealing with narcissists, i'm not sure why their input was less important than the youtube videos?
the writing itself oscillates between serviceable and unreadable. there is one notable section where the author takes common arguments and just.... rephrases them? and not even to large extent, sometimes it is the exact same words. the same points are repeated, the same overly personal words of affirmation are repeated by rote, it's generally an unedifying experience. the author seems to enjoy the pseudo-spiritual nonsense that americans are so enamoured of and it drips off every page.
this leads to the worst part of the book: the actively harmful nonsense. the author repeatedly refers to how your "body actually knows things well before you do", which is.... wrong. your peripheral nervous system is not magic, it is acting off messages sent by the brain. your body can also be wrong! if you have any kind of anxious disorder, listening to your body will kill you! intuition is not always right and you have higher level thinking for a reason.
speaking of pseudoscience, the author makes two recommendations at the end of the book. the first is to masturbate, which is frankly a fucking wild thing to recommend. not every culture has the same response to sex and this will not work with everyone! the second recommendation is to try and join a TRE class, which is a type of stretching that practitioners say will assist with trauma. TRE is a well known pseudo science and can re-traumatise people because the practitioners have no qualifications with mental health. don't do TRE! go see a shrink!
finally, there is a brief but luridly insane section where the author says that the world is losing empathy and that survivors are heroes who can go out into the world and be empathetic. she calls out the republican and democratic parties, and says that we're heading to a world without empathy. this is absurd, and not what anyone who is reading this has signed up for. i'm here to read about finding healing, i'm not here for you to spin some insane horseshit about the government.
this was a really frustrating read. there's good content here, but it's absolutely ruined by the author being incapable of writing about it without injecting too much of herself into it. all of the insights in this book are better done elsewhere, and the other books have the huge advantage of not being infuriating to read. if you want a weepy american woman who believes in energy to tell you that you're great, then this is absolutely up your alley. for the rest of us, there are far better books to be reading.
i did not find something similar here. while listening to this i thought "well its not for me but i won't give it a bad rating because it might be good for someone who needs it", and then as i listened further i thought "oh no this book is fucking atrocious".
if you are in an abusive relationship, PLEASE just read Why Does He Do That. it provides significantly more usable information, it provides measurable useful steps to exit, and it maintains a helpful yet clinical tone throughout. it is based on evidence from the the author's life, but it is also written by a professional in the field who is relying on research, and who has enough distance to be able to write about the topic without becoming emotionally involved. this is not the case here.
i'm sure that there are people who enjoy the intensely emotional and weepy presentation, personally it came across as condescending and creepy. people reading this book may well need affirmation and help rebuilding their sense of self; a slightly tipsy sounding american telling them that she loves them isn't going to do it. i think that when the author says she "is writing the book that she wishes she could have had" she is being more literal than she intends, it often sounds like she is talking to a specific person rather than a general reader. it's jarring how often she will stop the content of the book dead to say intensely personal things to a reader she's never met.
because of the supposed dearth of literature around this topic, the research for this book occurred primarily through interviews of survivors and through the author's internet trawling. it should be an immediate red flag when she mentions several times that she has pulled information from youtube videos to write this book. she claims to have spoken to therapists and attorneys who are experienced in dealing with narcissists, i'm not sure why their input was less important than the youtube videos?
the writing itself oscillates between serviceable and unreadable. there is one notable section where the author takes common arguments and just.... rephrases them? and not even to large extent, sometimes it is the exact same words. the same points are repeated, the same overly personal words of affirmation are repeated by rote, it's generally an unedifying experience. the author seems to enjoy the pseudo-spiritual nonsense that americans are so enamoured of and it drips off every page.
this leads to the worst part of the book: the actively harmful nonsense. the author repeatedly refers to how your "body actually knows things well before you do", which is.... wrong. your peripheral nervous system is not magic, it is acting off messages sent by the brain. your body can also be wrong! if you have any kind of anxious disorder, listening to your body will kill you! intuition is not always right and you have higher level thinking for a reason.
speaking of pseudoscience, the author makes two recommendations at the end of the book. the first is to masturbate, which is frankly a fucking wild thing to recommend. not every culture has the same response to sex and this will not work with everyone! the second recommendation is to try and join a TRE class, which is a type of stretching that practitioners say will assist with trauma. TRE is a well known pseudo science and can re-traumatise people because the practitioners have no qualifications with mental health. don't do TRE! go see a shrink!
finally, there is a brief but luridly insane section where the author says that the world is losing empathy and that survivors are heroes who can go out into the world and be empathetic. she calls out the republican and democratic parties, and says that we're heading to a world without empathy. this is absurd, and not what anyone who is reading this has signed up for. i'm here to read about finding healing, i'm not here for you to spin some insane horseshit about the government.
this was a really frustrating read. there's good content here, but it's absolutely ruined by the author being incapable of writing about it without injecting too much of herself into it. all of the insights in this book are better done elsewhere, and the other books have the huge advantage of not being infuriating to read. if you want a weepy american woman who believes in energy to tell you that you're great, then this is absolutely up your alley. for the rest of us, there are far better books to be reading.
February 7, 2020
Did not enjoy reading. I wanted to read more about what a CN and not be preached at as if I have a CN in my life. The author assumes that you are a victim just because you are reading the book. It was just off putting.
Read
August 15, 2018~Covert narcissists are likeable to the outside world; they appear to be giving, humble, and kind. Image is the most important thing to them. . . they rarely change because narcissists blame others because they usually don't think they have a problem.~
~Narcissists are deeply unhappy people. They get jealous of you when you are experiencing life and happiness.~
~She would get frustrated with her teenage kids when they didn't understand her process and wanted them to be more enthusiastic about her healing. "They need to understand what I'm going through."...she favoured one child because [that child] listened to her problems and alienated the other [children] who didn't want to hear.~
~CNs will tell you stories that have no basis in reality that will boggle your mind. They will create these tales and accuse you of things that are not even close to the truth. They will presume to know exactly what you are thinking and your motivations behind your actions.~
~It is common for children of covert narcissistic parents to hear how lucky they are to have a mom/dad like they do throughout their childhood.~
~Some CN parents are great with young kids until they reach an age where they think for themselves. That's when the CN dad or mom begins to pull away. They will get more irritate and frustrated with their kids since they (the CNs) are no longer seen as amazing. The kids are no longer supplying their CN parent with adoration and attention like they did when they were younger and would run up to him/her excitedly...~
December 23, 2021
I was trying to determine if my particular person is a covert narcissist, and it was like reading the horoscope: vague enough that I could make my person fit and I also saw these traits in a bunch of other people. It was helpful to see what others have experience so I could compare. I walked away with a few ideas and resources on how to heal. I was somewhat confused by her insistence that I, the reader am a wonderful, empathetic, amazing person. In my case it happens to be true (ha), but this is not true for all readers. We all have our flaws, and it felt disingenuous to not address them and pretend we are all a bunch of perfect victims.
October 22, 2018
2.5 stars. At the outset, I was excited about this book. It addresses the narrow subset of emotionally abusive tactics that I want to understand, and it starts off promising. Sadly, it turns out to be repetitive and needlessly judgy/indignant. Although this book does provide some useful info, it is not empowering. The attempt to validate survivors by providing story after story of abuse leave me feeling more triggered and agitated. The constant cheerleading affirmations are also too voluminous and saccharine for me. Your mileage may vary.
April 23, 2019
Perfect eye opener. Complete guide to recognize and deal with your covert narcissist .
April 25, 2019
I have read many psychological books written by 'supposed' experts in their chosen field. This was written by the lady who suffered at the hands of The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist. She writes it clearly in small chapters dealing with different issues that surround these evil, manipulative people. I was enthralled by every word. I could say to myself 'Yes that happened to me' etc. I took notes to reinforce that I become stronger, and remain that way. I would describe myself as a 'Doormat' prior to reading this fabulous book. Not anymore. I am pretty savvy at working out these people, they always had manipulative ways to get around my good, kind nature to 'use' me then 'discard' me when they had drained all my self esteem/strength from me. Well Debbie Mirza thanks to you I now have the invaluable tools to know that I do not have to put up with this kind of abuse anymore. I am not saying it will be easy for me, it has educated me in very plain written words exactly how these evil people work, and how to act around them. I would highly recommend this book. I wish it had been printed when I had done my psychology degree. I originally purchased this on Kindle, I have sent for the book so I can keep it by my bed and read a piece everyday to remember 'I am strong, I am worthy of being loved, I do not have to accept this kind of behaviour from anyone. I have purchased the books she suggests in this book both in Kindle, and book form. There is nothing like being educated daily. As my dear Dad always told us ''Experience Teaches'' I used joked I would write it on his headstone, which I have done. Thanks Dad for making me the strong person I am today. Thank you Debbie for the most wonderful book ever written in my opinion on this little known subject. I usually read a book quickly I took my time over this to soak it into my brain, and take notes.
May 21, 2019
I may write a longer review about this book at a later time, but I'm mostly using this book as a reference alongside other books on the same topic. I thought it was a wonderful, empathetic, and well researched resource. It covers so many types of relationships and issues relating to people who are narcissistic and healing from the type of abuse that the covert passive-aggressive narcissist inflicts upon their victims. Mirza's narration of the audiobook really brings it home, and she cites many stories of victims and survivors of those who were in relationships of this kind, whether it may have been a significant other, parent, supervisor, or someone with a disproportionate measure of power over another.
I'd definitely recommend this as a resources. Right now I give it 4.5/5 stars.
I'd definitely recommend this as a resources. Right now I give it 4.5/5 stars.
January 1, 2022
Most of the information presented here was accurate and any book that sheds light on narcissism is a very useful book.
However, I didn't like the writing at all - it was disorganized, exhausting to read and needed a little more proof reading.
However, I didn't like the writing at all - it was disorganized, exhausting to read and needed a little more proof reading.
January 23, 2019
Seriously gave me so much clarity and useful knowledge. Not everything applied but 90% did.
March 21, 2019
Terrible
Tiene faltas ortográficas, esto resta credibilidad al trabajo, ya que indica no se revisó minuciosamente. Puede ser mejor a mi consideración.
Tiene faltas ortográficas, esto resta credibilidad al trabajo, ya que indica no se revisó minuciosamente. Puede ser mejor a mi consideración.
April 22, 2019
This is the best book I have read yet that explains the one I have been married to for 22 years. A great read for answers on narcissism and help in healing.
July 18, 2019
Well written.
Very informative and nicely written. Mirza defines and describes Covert Narcissism in a way that is interesting and easy to read and understand.
Very informative and nicely written. Mirza defines and describes Covert Narcissism in a way that is interesting and easy to read and understand.
February 25, 2023
Good idea but not well written. No citations or evidence and the courses the author recommends are all her own courses.
December 21, 2019
Connection with readers/consumers is important yet being a professional; It's crucial not to drive people to paranoia. The contents and inputs are fine but the constant addressing from the author felt probable cause of damage.
September 9, 2024
Fascinating and disturbing how manipulative people can be.
June 18, 2021
Good times! I've been in relationships with, well, too many narcissists. I kind of knew it, and kind of called them out on it, and then as narcissists do, they would project it back onto me and pretend I was the manipulative one--super fun when they even say "I told my therapist ___ and she thinks you might be manipulating me" after you expressed the same thing. I loved that the book literally mentioned that exact scenario--when a narcissist pretends they've talked to other people who think that you're mistreating them... when they're actually the ones mistreating you. It's nice reading something like this and feeling strong and validated.
COVERT is the key word here. It's very very very difficult to detect, even when you're on your guard.
The confusion, brain fog, constant misunderstandings even though that never happens with anyone else in your life, depression and anxiety with no cause and medication doesn't help, ending up apologizing for expressing your needs or concerns... lol. This book is GOLD!
If you're in a relationship and you feel a little bit crazy or down, just let yourself consider for a moment that you might be being manipulated or coerced, or generally dealing with a covert passive-aggressive narcissist. Yes, it could just be a situation where your personalities don't mesh and it's generally toxic. But it also could be a situation where you're trying your best, they are fully aware of what they're doing, and it's never going to change. There's a great deal of relief when you bow out of that situation (or even in situations where they are the ones to leave). Respect yourself and stand up for yourself. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
COVERT is the key word here. It's very very very difficult to detect, even when you're on your guard.
The confusion, brain fog, constant misunderstandings even though that never happens with anyone else in your life, depression and anxiety with no cause and medication doesn't help, ending up apologizing for expressing your needs or concerns... lol. This book is GOLD!
If you're in a relationship and you feel a little bit crazy or down, just let yourself consider for a moment that you might be being manipulated or coerced, or generally dealing with a covert passive-aggressive narcissist. Yes, it could just be a situation where your personalities don't mesh and it's generally toxic. But it also could be a situation where you're trying your best, they are fully aware of what they're doing, and it's never going to change. There's a great deal of relief when you bow out of that situation (or even in situations where they are the ones to leave). Respect yourself and stand up for yourself. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
January 3, 2023
While I can appreciate the effort, and did learn a little about narcissistic behavior, the book was pretty poorly written. There was a TON of repetitive word usage. You could make a drinking game around the times that the author said "victims are such smart, beautiful people" and "I promise it will get better." Overall, the book came off as very cheerleader-y, and didn't really have much to offer in terms of actually dealing with the problems. The focus seems to be on briefly describing traits, and proving that you aren't alone, the latter of which I really don't care about.
I also wish there was more on the role reversal that tends to happen in a relationship with a CN. She does explain how, after years of trying to establish boundaries with a CN, the victim is often made to FEEL like a narcissist themselves, but it would have been really helpful to see that explained in more detail. For me, it is one of the hardest things about dealing with this whole situation, as it has taken the cornerstones of my personality (empathy, being fair and just) and weaponized them against me.
I also wish there was more on the role reversal that tends to happen in a relationship with a CN. She does explain how, after years of trying to establish boundaries with a CN, the victim is often made to FEEL like a narcissist themselves, but it would have been really helpful to see that explained in more detail. For me, it is one of the hardest things about dealing with this whole situation, as it has taken the cornerstones of my personality (empathy, being fair and just) and weaponized them against me.
January 28, 2020
This book helped me so much! I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. Even though I thought I had sorted out and moved on from my traumas all on my own, I found I still felt alone and needed validation. I was having PTSD symptoms I knew I couldn't properly explain to people, especially when triggered by recognizing a new CN (this time a peer). I knew I needed support to avoid future targeting.
This book helped me see clearer even more incidents from my CN relationship than I had seen before, and to recognize more narcissists in my past, and other times that people's selfish behavior was unfair.
This book helped me see clearer even more incidents from my CN relationship than I had seen before, and to recognize more narcissists in my past, and other times that people's selfish behavior was unfair.
April 3, 2019
A really important topic and some helpful distinctions and strategies for identifying and responding to covert narcissists. However, this book was not put together with very rigorous research. It uses definitions from the dictionary. People are described as bad or good, instead of complicated. The anecdotes were pretty superficial and no section went deep enough in a systematic way. It was too much of a self-help book as opposed to a study on covert narcissists.
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