The Kaiju Preservation Society Quotes

“I tried being a vegan for a while, but I couldn’t live without cheese.” “They have vegan cheese.” “No, they don’t. They have shredded orange and white sadness that mocks cheese and everything it stands for.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“So we’re the monster police, too?” I said to Tom.
“Correct,” he replied. “The only real question is, who are the monsters?”
“They ask that question in every monster movie, you know. It’s an actual trope.”
“I know,” Tom said. “What does it say about us that it’s relevant every single time they ask it?”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“It was stupidly perfect how all my problems were suddenly solved with the strategic application of money.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“That thing looks like H. P. Lovecraft’s panic attack.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“It’s the twenty-first century; no one goes by Betsy anymore,” Tom said. “But even if they did, there’s usually context. If you’re saying, ‘Betsy has the results from the lab,’ it’s probably the human. If it’s ‘Betsy just got pissed off and burned down twenty thousand acres of jungle,’ it’s probably the kaiju.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“What’s the RLH protocol?” I asked. “It means run like hell,”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“I thought you liked reading books."

"I do, but if you only read books because you have to, it becomes much less fun.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“Well, aren’t you a massive prick,” I said, quietly, under the roar of the helicopter. “What?” Sanders asked. “I said, ‘That’s a nifty trick.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“You have no idea how difficult it was for me to not say, ‘Welcome to Jurassic Park!’ to all of you just now.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“It’s okay if we turned entire cities full of people into nuclear ash, but the idea of monsters having a nibble afterward was just too much.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“Go ahead and eat all you want, but avoid excessively fatty foods, since one of these is going to tell your body to purge fats in a way that absolutely challenges normal sphincter control.” “That’s . . . not great.” “It’s a mess. Seriously, don’t even think about trying to fart for the next eighteen hours. It’s not a fart. You will regret it.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“KPS is not, and I say this with absolutely no slight intended, a brooding symphony of a novel. It’s a pop song. It’s meant to be light and catchy, with three minutes of hooks and choruses for you to sing along with, and then you’re done and you go on with your day, hopefully with a smile on your face. I had fun writing this, and I needed to have fun writing this. We all need a pop song from time to time, particularly after a stretch of darkness.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“It's not the trees, you dense argumentative spoon”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“And so, for coolness under pressure, for giving the rest of the away team the time it needed to get Ion safely back to the helicopter, and for having the absolute nerve to ignore Riddu Tagaq, I am proud and happy to award Jamie Gray the Ancient and Sacred Order of Holy Shit Jamie Just Shot That Parasite Straight in the Mouth with a Canister Launcher.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“You seem tense,” Kahurangi said to them. “Of course I’m tense,” Niamh snapped back. “We have a stupid plan.” “You’re just saying this because it’s my plan.” “I’m not just saying it because it’s your plan, and also, yes.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“The last Gold Team geologist decided to retire after we basically had to reattach a limb. For a second time.” “Oh.” “Well, that’s not completely accurate. It wasn’t the same limb twice. They were different limbs.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“Yes, that. You’re feeling cognitive dissonance, Jamie. Two contradictory-yet-entirely-valid-within-their-contexts thoughts about the same subject. And humans hate that shit. We hate it so much. The worst answer for us for anything is, ‘It depends.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“They have vegan cheese."
"No, they don't. They have shredded orange and white sadness that mocks cheese and everything it stands for.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“I was just thinking that Edward’s Tumescent Cloaca would have been an excellent band name.”
“Emo, obviously,” Kahurangi said.
“Their first album glistened with promise, but their follow-up was a little flaccid.”
“Their third album was really shitty.”
“To be fair, the competition was stiff that year.”
“I just thought that they should have showed more spunk.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“We've learned that certain foods help counteract the murderous urge. If it happens to you and you actu. ally have enough energy to stand up and move around, fry up some bacon or eat a pint of ice cream, or have a couple of slices of bread with butter."
"So, fatty foods."
"Basically."
“You remember the part where you told me to avoid fatty foods, right?"
"I do."
"So, just to be clear, the choices here are 'homicidal maniac or 'shit tornado.""
"I wouldn't put it that way, and yes. But the chances are pretty good you won't experience either side effect, much less both at the same time."
"And if I do?"
"Angrily consume your bacon on the toilet, is my advice." Dr. Lee lifted the first syringe. "Ready?”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“in one in about two hundred fifty injections, the recipient feels the urge for, let's just say, intense and homicidal violence. Like, 'murder everyone in the building and build a pyre with their skulls' level of violence."
"I can understand that," I assured her.
"No, you can't," she assured me back. "Fortunately, there's a direct and accompanying side effect of extreme lassitude, which keeps most people from acting on the urge."
"So, like, 'I want to kill you but that would mean leaving the couch."
"Exactly," Dr. Lee said. "We call it murder stoner syndrome.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“It was a very cozy meeting. In addition to my role as visitor liaison, I was also, once again, supervising snacks.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“Firebomb the place,” Laertes said, from the room he and Brent shared, where he was playing a video game. “No one’s firebombing anything,” Brent yelled back to Laertes. “Yet,” Laertes replied. “You can’t firebomb your way out of every problem,” Brent said. “You can’t,” Laertes called back.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“Never forget to factor in the Oort cloud,”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“Also, you may find the color blue giving you a migraine for the next couple of days."
"Blue."
"Yeah. We don't know why it happens, we just know it does.
When it does, just look at something not blue for a while."
"You know the sky is blue, right?"
"Yes. Stay indoors. Don't look up.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“Describe the smell to me.” “Are you serious right now?” “Yes, I want to know.” “It’s like a family of raccoons hotboxed themselves to death in a dumpster, and someone distilled their fermented remains.” “Huh,” Satie said. “I usually just say it smells like Malört, but I like your version, too.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“Human brains are bullshit.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“There is a certain type of person who feels like they must be armed at every moment of the day or else the world will come for them in some way. Back home, this is very much not a good way to live.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“Angrily consume your bacon on the toilet, is my advice.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society

“Acknowledged, Chopper Two. Recommend RLH protocol.” “Acknowledged, base. Initiating RLH protocol.” Satie switched off. He glanced at Kahurangi. “You can put those glasses away now.” “What’s the RLH protocol?” I asked. “It means run like hell,” Satie said, turning the helicopter.”
― John Scalzi, The Kaiju Preservation Society