Hilarious Quotes

“Will you show me what you really look like? You don't sparkle, do you?”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

“Where will we go?"
"I hear hell is particularly nice at this time of year.”
― Sarah J. Maas, Queen of Shadows

“Forgive me. I continue to underestimate the breadth of your ignorance.”
― Ransom Riggs, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

“She winced and covered her ears as Eric,onstage, wrestled with his microphone.

"Sorry about that, guys!" he yelled. "All right. I'm Eric, and this is my homeboy Matt on the drums. My first poem is called 'Untitled.'" He screwed up his face as if in pain, and wailed into the mike. "Come my faux juggernaut, my nefarious loins! Slather every protuberance with arid zeal!"

Simon slid down in his seat. "Please don't tell anyone I know him."

Clary giggled. "Who uses the word 'loins'?"

"Eric," Simon said grimly. "All his poems have loins in them."

'Turgid is my torment!" Eric wailed. "Agony swells within!"

"You bet it does," Clary said.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Besides my great fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica.”
― James Patterson, Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports

“Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?' Minho asked...
"Go ahead," Newt replied.
Minho nodded and faced the crowd. 'Be careful,' he said dryly. 'Don't die.'
Thomas would have laughed if he could, but he was too scared for it to come out.
'Great. We're all bloody inspired,' Newt answered.”
― James Dashner, The Maze Runner

“You! You tricked me! I never want to see you or that bottle of liquid arsenic again!”

I chucked the empty moonshine jug at him. Or tried to. It missed him by a dozen feet.

He picked it up in astonishment. “You drank the whole bloody thing? You were only supposed to have a few sips!”

“Did you say that? Did you?” He reached me just as I felt the ground tip. “Didn’t say anything. I’ve got those names, so that’s all that matters, but you men…you’re all alike. Alive, dead, undead—all perverts! I had a drunken pervert in my pants! Do you know how unsanitary that is?”

Bones held me upright. I would have protested, but I couldn’t remember how to. “What are you saying?”

“Winston poltergeisted my panties, that’s what!” I announced with a loud hiccup.

“Why, you scurvy, lecherous spook!” Bones yelled in the direction of the cemetery. “If my pipes still worked, I’d go right back there and piss on your grave!”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“I'm a little bit naked, but that's okay.”
― Lady Gaga

“Its Vermeer"
Kat turned to the boy who lingered in the doorway. "It's stolen"
"What can I say?" Hale eased behind her and studied the painting over her shoulder. "I met a very nice man who bet me he had the best security system in Istanbul." His breath was warm on the back of her neck. "He was mistaken.”
― Ally Carter, Heist Society

“Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me?”
― John Kennedy Toole, A Confederacy of Dunces

“Did those nice church ladies come by again?"
He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else.”
― Ilona Andrews, Gunmetal Magic

“No more tubs for me." I jumped off the bed and pulled on a pair of Pack sweats. "They make me lose all sense."
Curran sprawled on the bed with a big self-satisfied smile. "Want to know a secret?"
"Sure."
"It's not the bathtub, baby."
Well, aren't we smug. I picked up the corner of the lowest mattress and made a show of looking under it.
"What are you looking for?"
"A pea Your Majesty."
"What?"
"You heard me."
I jumped back as he lunged and his fingers missed me by an inch.
"Getting slow in your old age."
"I thought you liked it slow."
A flashback to last night mugged me and my mind executed a full stop.
He laughed. "Ran out of snappy comebacks?"
"Hush. I'm trying to think of one.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds

“He ignored me, thank God, saying to Kat, "Let go of Frosty's leash. You're choking the life out of him."
Kat's eyes narrowed to tiny slits, a sure sign of her aggression. "He deserves to choke. He didn't keep little frosty in his pants this summer." the words snapped like a whip.
"He did." Cole snapped back with unwavering confidence.
"Not."
"Did."
"Not!"
"Did,"
"Not, not, not!" she shouted with a stomp of her foot.
"What are we five?" Cole said.
"Six.”
― Gena Showalter, Alice in Zombieland

“I sprung you because I've got a message for you"
"doesn't your family own a cell phone company?"
"only a little one”
― Ally Carter, Heist Society

“A vibrator can last all night, too, vampire! - Denise”
― Jeaniene Frost, First Drop of Crimson

“NO MATING.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Oathbringer

“Let's pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere.”
― C.S. Lewis

“That was a hell of a shot!”
― Kyle Keyes, Under the Bus

“Cryptic Dad is cryptic,' I muttered ... We'd hung out all day today. Was there no time in there he could have said, 'Oh, hey, meet me at the magical bookcase at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow, cool?”
― Rachel Hawkins, Demonglass

“Dearest Annie,
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m using my hand But I’m thinking of you.
- Ronan

P.S. Just to clarify, I’m using my hand to write this note…get your mind out of the gutter.”
― L.H. Cosway, The Hooker and the Hermit

“What were you thinking?" I demanded once we were moving to the music. I was trying to ignore his hands. "Do you know how much trouble you may have gotten me in?"
Adrian grinned. "Nah. They all feel bad for you. You'll achieve martyrdom after dancing with a mean, wicked vampire. Job security with the Alchemists.”
― Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell

“Where's your car? Miles asks, glancing at him as he slams his door shut and slings his backpack over his shoulder. "And whats up with your hand?"

"I got rid of it," Damen says, gaze fixed on mine. Then glancing at Miles and seeing his expression he adds, "The car, not the hand."

"Did you trade it in?" I ask, but only because Miles is listening. [...]

He shakes his head and walks me to the gate, smiling as he says, "No, I just dropped off on the side of the road, key in the ignition, engine running."

"Excuse me?!" Miles yelps. "You mean to tell me that you left your shiny, black, BMW M6 Coupe—by the side of the road?"

Damen nods.

But thats a hundred-thousand-dollar car!" Miles gasps as his face turns bright red.

"A hundreds and ten." Damen laughs. "Don't forget, it was fully customized and loaded with options."

Miles stares at him, eyes practically bugging out of his head, unable to comprehend how anyone could do such a thing—why anyone would do such a thing. "Um, okay, so let me get this straight—you just woke up and decided—Hey, what the hell? I think I'll just dump my ridiculously expensive luxury car by the side of the road—WHERE JUST ANYONE CAN TAKE IT?"

Damen shrugs. "Pretty much."

"Because in case you haven't noticed," Miles says, practically hyperventilating now. "Some of us are a little car deprived. Some of us were born with parents so cruel and unusual they're forced to rely on the kindness of friends for the rest of their lives!"

"Sorry." Damen shrugs. "Guess I hadn't thought about that. Though if it makes you feel any better, it was all for a very good cause.”
― Alyson Noel, Shadowland

“My father was incredibly indecisive. As an example, take his wedding day. He couldn't decide where to sit in the getaway car, decide the fact he was supposed to be driving.”
― John Bennardo, Just a Typo: The Cancellation of Celebrity Mo Riverlake

“Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.”
― Carroll Bryant

“Huh," said Percy. "Never seen Jason fly before. He looks like a blond superman.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“He shook his head in wonder. "You are magnificent."

"I keep telling everyone that," she said with a nonchalant shrug, "But you seem to be the only one to believe me.”
― Julia Quinn, To Sir Phillip, With Love

“The posters bore the words WITH THE PASSING YEARS COMES...IMPOTENCE! Magnus found himself staring at the posters with a sort of absent horror. He looked at Alec and found that Alec could not tear his eyes away either. He wondered if Alec was aware that Magnus was three hundred years old and whether Alec was considering exactly how impotent one might become after that much time.”
― Cassandra Clare, The Course of True Love [and First Dates]

“We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“The alien in my uncle hand obviously taken full control. Soon, it would claw its way out of his stomach and tap dance across my bed”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Deity

“The shapes inched closer. I gaped at them, trying to discern their features. "I think I see dead people," I whispered.
"Yep," Aidan said, smiling. "More vampire jokes. You're just fine, then. Once this is over, you and my brother will be BFFs." He wrapped his arms around me, pressing me against his broad chest. Against my better judgement, I leaned into him, strangely comforted.”
― Jayde Scott, A Job From Hell