- Max: Do you mind if I hang here for a while, because there's some people after me. I did some stuff. Yeah, you probably... Yeah I'm really sorry about the cafeteria. But Jindraike has no right to do what he's doing, and now my friends are gonna get whaled on because of me, and I can't do anything about it.
- Janitor: Any kid can make a mess. Takes a man to clean it up.
- [leaves, Max sits alone in the janitor's office]
- Max: [narrating] It took a man with a plunger to make me realize that I had to do something. I thought I'd stood up to the bullies, but all I'd really done was hit and run. That's not courage. That's ex-courage.
- [last lines]
- Megan: He did it!
- Robe: All right, Max!
- Max: [narrating] Yep, I did it. The animal shelter was safe; the bullies were cooked, and Jindraike got fired for fiddling with the budget. As for me and my friends, well, we were just happy the first week of school was over, now we could chill for the rest of the year.
- [Max is riding his bike]
- Evil Ice Cream Man: [to Max] I'll get you, Paper Boy!
- Max: [narrating] Oh, man!
- School Nurse: Now can you tell me what came between McGoogles and your fears? Is it something from your past or somebody?
- Dobbs: [shouting] Keeble!
- Principal Jindraike: Keeble.
- Troy McGinty: ...Keeble.
- Evil Ice Cream Man: [pulls in front of his bike] We meet again paperboy.
- [laughs]
- Max: [narrating] Okay, Evil Ice Cream man, me - You're wondering why, right?
- [Max throws a paper at the Evil Ice Cream Man and pedals off with the Evil Ice Cream Man speeding behind him]
- Max: Well, I found a cockroach in my snowcone, my Mom called the Health department and he got nailed. He's been trying to nail me ever since.
- Evil Ice Cream Man: [as a Police man on a motorcycle follows him] Dang, the Fuzz! This isn't over, paperboy!
- [Cop walks up]
- Evil Ice Cream Man: Hello officer... Snow doodle?
- Dobbs: Keeble! Caught your act at the assembly. Looks like you can use some help with managing your portfolio.
- [he takes Max's money]
- Max: Hey, that's my lunch money!
- Dobbs: And you have it all in cash. Kid, let me hold this for a while and I'll set you up with a nice mutual fund.
- Mrs. Talia: What's going on here?
- Megan: He's taking Max's lunch money!
- Mrs. Talia: Is this true, Mr. Dobbs?
- Dobbs: No. I'm just spreading some investment wisdom. Speaking of which, how did Biomorph Systems work out for you?
- Mrs. Talia: Best money I ever spent. By the way, what do you think of Handspring?
- Dobbs: Handspring? It's moving today. I'd say buy.
- [teacher wants Max to write a long essay due Friday]
- Max: Wait. Friday was the day I was moving. And this teacher was mean. She let Dobbs steal my money. She wanted to punish me when it wasn't my fault. But if I wasn't gonna be here, what could she really do to me, right? It was time to take a stand.
- Max: Attention, students, this is Max Keeble speaking. First, I'd like to say to my friends Megan and Robe that I know that I acted like a jerk and I'm sorry for ever getting you involved in this. I screwed up, but you guys are my best friends and that's forever. I don't know what else to say, but I'm sorry. It probably doesn't matter to you anymore, but I'm not moving. And McGinty and Dobbs, it's me you want, so leave my friends alone. I may have run before, but I am all through running now. You want me, I'll be in the parking lot, 3:00.
- Principal Jindraike: You may be under the impression that I encourage horseplay and malarkey, you're wrong, I don't encourage it, I excourage it.
- Max: Excourage?
- Principal Jindraike: It means the opposite of encourage, look it up.
- Max: [talking to Jindraike with voiceover effect and pretending to do kung fu] I do not fear your dark powers, bald one.
- [Troy and Dobbs are surrounded by nerds]
- Troy McGinty: [sarcastically] I'm so scared.
- Megan: You should be. We're taking back our school.
- Robe: Yeah. No more being pushed around. No more being stepped on. No more Mr. Not-Nice-Guy.
- Slav #1: Your reign of terror over the student body has come to an abrupt halt!
- [kids are surprised, until "slav" resumes fake accent]
- Slav #1: Yes, please.
- Principal Jindraike: [on loud speaker] Attention, students!
- [students laugh]
- Principal Jindraike: It's because of yesterday's crimes against the school, instigated by your former classmate Max Keeble. The following extracurricular activities are now suspended: art, music, P.E... fun! Suspended, discontinued, defunct!
- Girl at Class: Great. Your boyfriend Max Keeble just got us hosed.
- Jenna: He's just my paperboy. I never really liked him.
- Principal Jindraike: [teachers laugh, then Jindraike turns around and sees the fake Max Keeble with a peace sign] Keeble!
- Dobbs: [to Max when they are about to bully him] You know how doctors say, "This isn't gonna hurt a bit"? Well, I'm not a doctor, and neither is McGinty here.
- Troy McGinty: He's right.
- [looks straight to Max closely]
- Troy McGinty: I'm not a doctor.
- Dobbs: [Shaking his hands like he's rapping] Yeeah!
- Evil Ice Cream Man: [He jumps from his ice cream truck, and carries two ice cream scoopers, and starts talking as if he is in the old chinese movies] I will defeat you, with my complicated fighting move.
- Max: [the words don't match his mouth] We shall see whose kung fu is superior! HAH!
- [waiting for Crazy Legs to arrive at the school]
- Principal Jindraike: Come on, you idiot.
- [instead, Crazy Legs has just arrived]
- Principal Jindraike: He's coming! He's coming!
- Principal Jindraike: [as he approaches the band] Straighten up, straighten up. Better. Ready? And...
- Supt. Bobby 'Crazy Legs' Knebworth: [the band then begins playing while Jindraike gets excited to see Crazy Legs] Oh, at last! At last! The moment we've all been waiting for. Crazy Legs. You look fit.
- Supt. Bobby 'Crazy Legs' Knebworth: Elliot. It's been too long.
- Principal Jindraike: I agree completely. Slip me that biscuit. Ooh, that's a hot one. OK, smile!
- [the photographers take a picture of Jindraike smiling while shaking hands with Crazy Legs]
- Troy McGinty: I pound on kids. That's what I do, that's what I do! You know what they call me up there?
- [the school nurse nods her head no]
- Troy McGinty: The MacGoogler.
- [Troy then sobs]
- School Nurse: Troy, easy. Now, I'd like to take you through a childhood regression process. It may bring up some unpleasant memories... but I think you'll find it helpful in the end. All righty?
- Troy McGinty: Mmm-hmm.
- School Nurse: [reveals Troy the MacGoogles doll] Now, give Mr. MacGoogles a hug.
- Troy McGinty: [acting frightened] Aah! Aah! He's gonna eat me!
- [then sobs again]
- School Nurse: We've got some work to do.
- Entire Class: [after Troy shows who his latest victim will be] Freak with Robe?
- Robe: [From behind glass] Help! Help! Let me out! let me out!
- Max: [Lets Robe out of the barrier] Now, he's a little claustrophobic, so he might...
- [watches Robe throw up]
- Max: Hurl!
- Robe: What a waste of a perfectly good chili omelet...
- [continues throwing up]
- [Jindraike and Crazy Legs arrive at the cafeteria]
- Principal Jindraike: Please believe me when I tell you... this is my gift to you.
- [students at the cafeteria are still throwing food at each other and the picture of Crazy Legs]
- Principal Jindraike: Cease!
- [students finally stop throwing food and Jindraike tries finding out what happened around the cafeteria, then turns around and looks at Crazy Legs]
- Principal Jindraike: Sir, I assure you, this behavior... is utterly without precedent. Plus, it never happened before. Who? Who started this? If the culprit does not step forward... this instant... swift and horrible retribution... awaits each and every one of you.
- [the mokney walks jumps on Jindraike's back and his face is covered with mashed potatoes and gravy]
- Supt. Bobby 'Crazy Legs' Knebworth: This place is nuts.
- Principal Jindraike: Crazy Legs! Wait!
- [Crazy Legs leaves the school and the monkey continues jumping on Jindraike's back]
- Principal Jindraike: I'm going to mete out a punishment to you that is so severe, future generations will refer to it as The Keeble. They will beg on bended knee. Oh, please, sir. Not the Keeble, sir. I swear I'll never misbehave again if you'll just spare me... the Keeble.
- Principal Jindraike: Here they come. With their pimples and their braces, and their rickets, and their lice. Their snot-nosed, baggy-pantsed, high-pitched, squealing voices. And yet, each one a rung on the ladder of my success. A ladder that ends in a vast neon sign that stretches across the night sky.