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Brenna's Reviews > John Dies at the End
John Dies at the End (John Dies at the End, #1)
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(WARNING: The following is not a well-balanced, conscientious review.)
John Dies at the End dies before it even reaches the first chapter.
The story - such as it is - revolves around the typical gross-out paranormal-type activity that made Kevin Smith's "Dogma" such a success (think "It's a shit monster!" and you've pretty much got the idea of what seems to have inspired this book). Within the first 20 pages, the reader is witness to blood, copious amounts of excrement, a flaccid - and gratuitous - penis, "invisible" spiders, a quasi-sluglike creature (in anecdotal form, but the visual is present nonetheless), a soupy concoction of greenish slime that instantly turns blood red (herein spelled "bloodred") upon human touch, the promise of sodomy with a bratwurst, etc.
The inside of the book jacket warns the reader to "Stop," that "You should not have touched this book with your bare hands," and that it is "too late" to put the fucking thing down - that you're stuck reading the goddamn thing because the fucking author says that it is (ooohhh!) a scary book! He goes on to say that he's "terribly sorry to have involved you in this." He really is.
Right.
And there is no author David Wong. The story is narrated by David Wong, but David Wong is really just Cracked.com writer Jason Pargin sitting at his computer, making crap up as he goes along. Is it "terrifying" (The Onion)? A "page-turner" (Don Coscarelli, producer of "Bubba Ho-tep")? One of the most "entertaining and addictive novels" Jacob Kier, publisher of Permuted Press, has ever read?
I don't know. Maybe. I can't get past the forced hispter trash of which those first twenty pages reeks. I can't see anything beyond the hunched form of Jason Pargin pecking out words and phrases in front of his computer. Just making shit up. Just whatever strikes him as formulating a part of a "good story," he'll write up.
Sure - this is an "unfair" review of the book - after all, I was personally unable to trudge any further than that first useless sequence of bullshit events. But there's no challenge in here, other than concealing the revulsion of the author's grotesque imagery here.
John Dies at the End - I'll have to take "David Wong's" word for it. I'm not wasting any time in discovering how, exactly. I don't care about John. I don't care about David fucking Wong, or the make-believe shitstorm this fictional character finds himself stuck in by an over-zealous author (who, by the way, hopes that you'll be alive to see the sequel to John Dies at the End. A sequel to this!? Bastard!).
How dare Jason Pargin allow trees to be sacrificed for this piece of supercilious garbage! How fucking dare he! What the hell kind of a world is it when this trash gets not only serious consideration for publication, but an actual book contract? A book release? Jesus Christ Almighty, what a world this is!
Goddamn it! What a horrendous fuckpot of a wretched piece of fetid, blistering donkey tit! You're damned right I should not have touched this thing with my bare hands! Gahhhh!!! Fuck! Fuck!! FUCK!!!
---
Wow. That felt really, really good. Thanks, Mr. Pargin, for giving me a valid reason to release all the pent-up rage I've stored in for so very long. I needed that.
No, seriously - thank you from the very bottom of my heart. You're a good man. I'll never forget this.
And now, I could sure use a cigarette.
John Dies at the End dies before it even reaches the first chapter.
The story - such as it is - revolves around the typical gross-out paranormal-type activity that made Kevin Smith's "Dogma" such a success (think "It's a shit monster!" and you've pretty much got the idea of what seems to have inspired this book). Within the first 20 pages, the reader is witness to blood, copious amounts of excrement, a flaccid - and gratuitous - penis, "invisible" spiders, a quasi-sluglike creature (in anecdotal form, but the visual is present nonetheless), a soupy concoction of greenish slime that instantly turns blood red (herein spelled "bloodred") upon human touch, the promise of sodomy with a bratwurst, etc.
The inside of the book jacket warns the reader to "Stop," that "You should not have touched this book with your bare hands," and that it is "too late" to put the fucking thing down - that you're stuck reading the goddamn thing because the fucking author says that it is (ooohhh!) a scary book! He goes on to say that he's "terribly sorry to have involved you in this." He really is.
Right.
And there is no author David Wong. The story is narrated by David Wong, but David Wong is really just Cracked.com writer Jason Pargin sitting at his computer, making crap up as he goes along. Is it "terrifying" (The Onion)? A "page-turner" (Don Coscarelli, producer of "Bubba Ho-tep")? One of the most "entertaining and addictive novels" Jacob Kier, publisher of Permuted Press, has ever read?
I don't know. Maybe. I can't get past the forced hispter trash of which those first twenty pages reeks. I can't see anything beyond the hunched form of Jason Pargin pecking out words and phrases in front of his computer. Just making shit up. Just whatever strikes him as formulating a part of a "good story," he'll write up.
Sure - this is an "unfair" review of the book - after all, I was personally unable to trudge any further than that first useless sequence of bullshit events. But there's no challenge in here, other than concealing the revulsion of the author's grotesque imagery here.
John Dies at the End - I'll have to take "David Wong's" word for it. I'm not wasting any time in discovering how, exactly. I don't care about John. I don't care about David fucking Wong, or the make-believe shitstorm this fictional character finds himself stuck in by an over-zealous author (who, by the way, hopes that you'll be alive to see the sequel to John Dies at the End. A sequel to this!? Bastard!).
How dare Jason Pargin allow trees to be sacrificed for this piece of supercilious garbage! How fucking dare he! What the hell kind of a world is it when this trash gets not only serious consideration for publication, but an actual book contract? A book release? Jesus Christ Almighty, what a world this is!
Goddamn it! What a horrendous fuckpot of a wretched piece of fetid, blistering donkey tit! You're damned right I should not have touched this thing with my bare hands! Gahhhh!!! Fuck! Fuck!! FUCK!!!
---
Wow. That felt really, really good. Thanks, Mr. Pargin, for giving me a valid reason to release all the pent-up rage I've stored in for so very long. I needed that.
No, seriously - thank you from the very bottom of my heart. You're a good man. I'll never forget this.
And now, I could sure use a cigarette.
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Reading Progress
Started Reading
November 8, 2009
– Shelved
November 8, 2009
– Shelved as:
unfinished
November 8, 2009
–
Finished Reading
Comments Showing 1-16 of 16 (16 new)
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message 1:
by
Ivan
(new)
Nov 09, 2009 12:40PM
Best review ever. XD
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Ivan wrote: "Best review ever. XD"I was so pissed when I realized how much time I lost from my life actually trying to enjoy this fucking thing! And those people who rate it "5 stars" while complaining about the typos and syntax errors - see, *this* is the legacy left us by a nation hooked on crack!
what a sad and boring life you must lead.
Presumably, this review is itself a satire. The irony becoming apparent as the pork pie hatted, soul-patch sporting, black rimmed glasses wearing author critisizes the Prologue as "forced hipster trash."Masterfully written sir.
Ugh. Finally someone says it. I do not understand why so many people who actually read like this book. It's nothing but regurgitated college jokes.
Wow. So tell us what you really thought. I guess I can understand how this book isn't for everybody however much I loved it.
Seriously -- I received a paper cut from the book, and I was sorely tempted to get my blood tested!(Actually, one of the above commenters got the "joke" that the review itself was written in the spirit of the novel itself. Ha!) :)
Well, I felt the wind as that one blew by. My bad. Good looking out above commenter.
I would love it if you would read my book!I would be interested in your comments.
I don't get it, so you hate the book but you make a satire review about it, where you seem very descriptive about things in the book. And also you have talked about things that are towards the end of the book, so I'm assuming you read the whole book and enjoyed it enough to troll the readers that would be "butt hurt" by reading such a descriptively stimulating destructive criticism of a good book. Am i right? Or have I failed Korrok?
Derek wrote: "Or have I failed"You've failed. This book is shit. Wait. I shouldn't insult shit like that.
This book needed to be about 373 pages shorter.
"Sure - this is an "unfair" review of the book"It's also factually incorrect and racist.
Devin wrote: ""Sure - this is an "unfair" review of the book"It's also factually incorrect and racist."
wait. wut.
