Lisa's Reviews > Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl―A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship

I thought this book was extremely depressing.

I will say the first chapters are all about self confidence. Don’t chase a man, don’t drop your plans, put your own needs first, don’t lose yourself falling for a stranger, don’t put yourself down, invest in your career hobbies and friends, keep your sense of humor alive, don’t act out of fear or insecurity. The book talks a lot about the excuses we make for people we care for when they don’t reciprocate- so that’s where that second star is coming from.

But I’m a naturally open, brutally honest person. I pride myself on wearing my heart on my sleeve, which is certainly a turn off to many people, nevermind men. This trait alone the book considers a kiss of death. In order to look out for my priorities and happiness, I have to shut up. I have to be funny, and charming, classy but kinky, challenging but not aggressive, aggressive but not too independent (at least once I’ve nabbed the sucker). Secure and ready to walk off in a moment- that’s what it takes to keep a man. And the book repeated over and over, you’re not acting secure to get a man, you’re acting secure because it’s what’s good for you- and it just so happens that’s what men want.

But in so many places the author advised flat out deception and manipulation, while insisting that’s not what she was advocating. Comparing men to seals clapping their fins for salmon (salmon being sex, obviously) was discouraging. Framing men as brutes, incapable of intelligent conversation or of discussing ~feelings~ without fainting from boredom, doesn’t make me want to be with anyone. Of course, she does take a moment to point out that any man who describes himself as a feminist is likely to quit his job and take up residence on the couch while you support him. Seriously.

The whole goal of this book is to find a man who will treat you with respect. Which is great! But there never seemed to be…well, anything about love. It seemed to be about how to behave, to get people to behave- and then you have a “successful’ relationship, whatever that means. I have to wonder if the author expects anyone to honestly communicate ever, or is it all just maneuvering to make sure you get what you deserve? And that anyone who does come to you with honesty isn’t coming to you with honesty at all. There’s assholes who treat you like badly and who you can manipulate, and assholes you treat you well and who aren’t worth your time. Or something. Sherry just knows one type of man, and he’s essentially an animal that needs to be trained.

Be aloof. Break off contact (over and over, possibly the main point is “men don’t respond to words, they respond to no contact”). Never need him. Most of all, never be needy. It’s another kiss of death to show a man how much you care for him. Whether you do or don’t, you better work to hide it, and work at not wanting him so bad, because that makes you an empowered, independent woman. She refers to romantic relationships as business transactions. Everyone has to bring something to the table, and your crazy woman emotions are certainly not an asset.

Peppered in-between every extreme statement that makes you lose faith in humanity, is a statement to counter balance it all. She’s not saying treat him like dirt- appreciate him subtly, with a level head, more than anything- strategically. I was exhausted just imagining living a life constructed around making all the right decisions when interacting with someone who at any minute might become a selfish, self-serving asshole who would stop at nothing to take advantage of me. The worst part is, she seems to think men can’t help it. It’s their predatory, aggressive nature. And if we’re going to get along, we have to show we’re equals without letting on what tricks we’re using.

I used the advice in the first half of the book, and got a rather good result. Then proceeded to hate the human race for the next week because if this does work, I just have no faith anymore. None. The fella in question can go to hell. I don’t know what Sherry would think of me, but I’d like to think there’s someone out there who is clearly as bad at playing all these games as I am, in a way that we can be open about. To be frank, if I need a strategy to love you, I ain’t gonna be loving you. And if I got nothing else out of it, her book showed me that much.