Parenting Humor Quotes

“I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.”
― Bill Cosby

“Got any mood music?”
“If you press Play on the stereo you’re going to hear Miley Cyrus.”
“I don’t know who that is.”
“Count your blessings.”
― Tere Michaels, Faith & Fidelity

“I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“There are two philosophies when it comes to getting young children to sleep. There is 'sleep training,' which basically involves putting your kids to bed and listening to them scream all night; or there is 'attachment parenting,' which essentially involves lying down with your kids, cuddling them, and then listening to them scream all night.”
― Jim Gaffigan, Dad Is Fat

“From the moment I was first pregnant, and those around me insisted that treats such as cold cuts and nail polish could cut my unborn child's potential IQ in half, I got into the habit of NOT seeking out the little things that brought me joy. Like soft cheese. And getting too close to a Starbucks.

Then my son came, and I was too busy crying while searching for his User Manual to consider a manicure or massage.

I lasted about a week as a new mom before reaching out to others in my situation online. As exhausted, cranky, and confused as I was, I needed friends.

It didn't take long for this gaggle of desperate, sleepless women to meet up in person...”
― Kim Bongiorno, I Just Want to Pee Alone: A Collection of Humorous Essays by Kick Ass Mom Bloggers

“Education is the best gift my parent gave me.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita

“A child s a special possession from God.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita, Think Great: Be Great!

“My need to parent is so much bigger, sometimes, than my children’s need for parenting.”
― Margot Page, Paradise Imperfect: An American Family Moves to the Costa Rican Mountains

“May my family, household and I be a devout God-fearing men and women.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita, Pearls of Wisdom: Great mind

“Every kid is born a fascist,” Liz said. “You have to pound democracy into them a little at a time.”
― M.R. Carey, Someone Like Me

“I am the king. You’re the knight sitting at my round table. That’s the nature of our relationship when it comes to war or other conflict resolution in this family.”
― Sarah Black, The General and the Horse-Lord

“I would be the first to admit that my maternal instincts are not well developed--though in defense I must add that the raising of Ramses would have discouraged any woman.”
― Elizabeth Peters, The Hippopotamus Pool

“Probably one of the cruelest things that can happen to a girl is when she is born into the world, her parents give her a name that is alliterative in nature. The more unusual the name, the more the other kids bully or tease them , especially when they are unpopular, gawky, or stand out from the crowd. So it happened with Hester Hibiscus, whose last name alone was a means for the chides and jeers of her childhood peers.”
― JES Campbell, Blue Summer: A Pair of Normal Girls Mystery

“Take care of the elderly people.”
― Lailah Gifty Akita, Think Great: Be Great!

“Parenting fucked you up.”
― Abigail Barnette

“I never thought the brightest smile would come from a mouth without teeth.”
― Iván Zapién

“Tummy Time - When a parent lays their baby on their tummy to strengthen and develop physically. Also called forgetting the child on the floor and giving it a name.”
― Olive Hunter, The Motherhood Dictionary: The ultimate tool for your parenting success. Note: Will also be successful if not used.

“Not realizing until exactly 3:12 this morning, that the reason toy box smelled like rotten fruit roll ups is because Emma was hiding all her fruit roll ups in the bottom. Toddler are such fucking assholes.”
― Karin Slaughter, The Last Widow

“Aiden sighed loudly. “There will be no sex dungeon. I can’t believe I even have to say those words.”
― Jocelynn Drake, Healing Aiden

“I used to love travel. Then I had children. Now I pray for teleportation.”
― Daksh Tyagi, Nonsense