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Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today's Blended Family
Love may be sweeter the second time around, but once the bliss of a newfound relationship wears off a little, the reality of being part of a stepfamily sets in. If you are one of the millions of remarried Americans facing the challenge of blending two existing families into one cohesive whole, you are part of a stepcouple—and you know all too well how hard it can be to make your marriage work in sometimes tough terrain.
Different parenting styles, finances, relationships with ex-spouses, legal matters, and even seemingly simple issues such as the kinds of chores assigned to children can chisel away at your union if you don’t always make your marriage a priority.
Stepcoupling offers advice for stepcouples on how to do just that—all the while strengthening their blended family with a healthy marriage. Susan Wisdom and Jennifer Green provide tips and strategies on dealing with the issues remarried couples face, with a wealth of advice from real-life stepcouples, such
* Learning to tailor your expectations of your spouse or children and remembering that no family is perfect
* Knowing where your boundaries are, whether involving a hostile ex-spouse or a stepchild who demands too much attention
* Realizing that traits like flexibility, tolerance, forgiveness, and openness are especially essential in a stepfamily situation
* Making “us” time for talking, problem-solving, weekends away, and enjoying your marriage to constantly renew and strengthen your bond as a couple
Let this invaluable remarriage manual help you make your stepcouple the foundation of a strong, happy, and successful stepfamily.
Different parenting styles, finances, relationships with ex-spouses, legal matters, and even seemingly simple issues such as the kinds of chores assigned to children can chisel away at your union if you don’t always make your marriage a priority.
Stepcoupling offers advice for stepcouples on how to do just that—all the while strengthening their blended family with a healthy marriage. Susan Wisdom and Jennifer Green provide tips and strategies on dealing with the issues remarried couples face, with a wealth of advice from real-life stepcouples, such
* Learning to tailor your expectations of your spouse or children and remembering that no family is perfect
* Knowing where your boundaries are, whether involving a hostile ex-spouse or a stepchild who demands too much attention
* Realizing that traits like flexibility, tolerance, forgiveness, and openness are especially essential in a stepfamily situation
* Making “us” time for talking, problem-solving, weekends away, and enjoying your marriage to constantly renew and strengthen your bond as a couple
Let this invaluable remarriage manual help you make your stepcouple the foundation of a strong, happy, and successful stepfamily.
272 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2002
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Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews
March 4, 2012
As a stepmom in a blended family, I found this book helpful in many ways. The authors offer what seems to me to be sound advice, and the many examples they quote from actual stepcouples helped put my experience in perspective. They also cover a wide range of subject material, and so almost every possible issue gets addressed in one way or another.
But in spite of these positive qualities, this book has such serious faults that I cannot recommend it. It's primary flaws are three:
a) It equates first families with biological families. Throughout the book, the authors use the term "biological parents" or "biological bonds" to describe the relationships between an original family unit, pre-divorce. It seems never to have occurred to them that there are such things as adoptions in this world. Or that, for example, in a family composed of a lesbian couple with a child, only one mother is biologically related to the child, though both are the child's original parents.
What makes this mistake so damning is that they repeatedly assert that biological bonds are stronger than non-biological bonds between parents and children. Repeatedly, they say this. As if it were a well-known truth. This is NOT what the science says, nor will it seem particularly relevant to the millions of adoptive parents out there (or to the millions of children who have little to no relationship with one or more biological parents). What intelligent, well-trained therapist would repeatedly assume that all original families are biological? These authors are somehow cut off from the professional field they claim to represent.
b) Organization. ORGANIZATION! Oh my god, the horrible organization.
This flaw has numerous sub-flaws that contribute to making it into a Mega Flaw. Here are the two biggest:
-- The book has lumped an astonishing array of anecdotes and discussions into a few chapters with broad themes. These broad themes tell you very little about the specific topics that will be discussed in the chapter, so if you're really interested in only some of the topics covered by the book, you will have no idea how to navigate directly to those parts. For example, who would guess that there would be discussions of allowances, family finances, decision-making authority, chores, household cleanliness, and hating your step-child's friends -- all in a chapter entitled "Blending Your Sometimes Opposing Styles." Not helpful.
-- The book uses the following bizarre way of breaking up the sub-sections of a long chapter. Here it goes: They usually begin a chapter with a 1-2 paragraph intro to the topic at hand. And then they introduce each new topic with a short anecdote, usually in italics, but sometimes in bold. Sometimes there will be a series of italicized anecdotes that connect to one another. But sometimes a new anecdote opens a completely new topic. And sometimes the anecdotes are in bold -- which, I think, means that the authors are trying to cue up a quite different theme than what came before, but to be honest, I never really figured out what it meant. Let me be clear: in the many, many subsections of a chapter, there are no section titles, no section breaks indicated by white space or lines or bold-print subtitles. Nothing but these short paragraphs that are set in bold or italics. It's impossible to know what's coming next or even the key theme of the section you are in.
3. Research methodology? The authors do not cite any of the published studies on step-families. Which is strange enough. Their advice seems to be coming from their own views, and they do not seem informed about any of the literature on the subject. But they don't even explain the basis for their own research. Who are these people whose anecdotes they shared? Are they clients from the main authors' practice? Has the main author conducted an extensive research study? And what are the authors' credentials for offering such sweeping, self-confident advice on any and all topics related to parenting and step-coupling? They say nothing about any of this.
Altogether, the book, I think, is not trustworthy. It's also unnavigable and crudely ignorant of nontraditional primary families. I guess I'll keep looking.
But in spite of these positive qualities, this book has such serious faults that I cannot recommend it. It's primary flaws are three:
a) It equates first families with biological families. Throughout the book, the authors use the term "biological parents" or "biological bonds" to describe the relationships between an original family unit, pre-divorce. It seems never to have occurred to them that there are such things as adoptions in this world. Or that, for example, in a family composed of a lesbian couple with a child, only one mother is biologically related to the child, though both are the child's original parents.
What makes this mistake so damning is that they repeatedly assert that biological bonds are stronger than non-biological bonds between parents and children. Repeatedly, they say this. As if it were a well-known truth. This is NOT what the science says, nor will it seem particularly relevant to the millions of adoptive parents out there (or to the millions of children who have little to no relationship with one or more biological parents). What intelligent, well-trained therapist would repeatedly assume that all original families are biological? These authors are somehow cut off from the professional field they claim to represent.
b) Organization. ORGANIZATION! Oh my god, the horrible organization.
This flaw has numerous sub-flaws that contribute to making it into a Mega Flaw. Here are the two biggest:
-- The book has lumped an astonishing array of anecdotes and discussions into a few chapters with broad themes. These broad themes tell you very little about the specific topics that will be discussed in the chapter, so if you're really interested in only some of the topics covered by the book, you will have no idea how to navigate directly to those parts. For example, who would guess that there would be discussions of allowances, family finances, decision-making authority, chores, household cleanliness, and hating your step-child's friends -- all in a chapter entitled "Blending Your Sometimes Opposing Styles." Not helpful.
-- The book uses the following bizarre way of breaking up the sub-sections of a long chapter. Here it goes: They usually begin a chapter with a 1-2 paragraph intro to the topic at hand. And then they introduce each new topic with a short anecdote, usually in italics, but sometimes in bold. Sometimes there will be a series of italicized anecdotes that connect to one another. But sometimes a new anecdote opens a completely new topic. And sometimes the anecdotes are in bold -- which, I think, means that the authors are trying to cue up a quite different theme than what came before, but to be honest, I never really figured out what it meant. Let me be clear: in the many, many subsections of a chapter, there are no section titles, no section breaks indicated by white space or lines or bold-print subtitles. Nothing but these short paragraphs that are set in bold or italics. It's impossible to know what's coming next or even the key theme of the section you are in.
3. Research methodology? The authors do not cite any of the published studies on step-families. Which is strange enough. Their advice seems to be coming from their own views, and they do not seem informed about any of the literature on the subject. But they don't even explain the basis for their own research. Who are these people whose anecdotes they shared? Are they clients from the main authors' practice? Has the main author conducted an extensive research study? And what are the authors' credentials for offering such sweeping, self-confident advice on any and all topics related to parenting and step-coupling? They say nothing about any of this.
Altogether, the book, I think, is not trustworthy. It's also unnavigable and crudely ignorant of nontraditional primary families. I guess I'll keep looking.
May 5, 2010
I found this book to be very reassuring. It made me realize my experiences were not all that unique, and it's helping me be more patient with myself and my new family members. I do wish it had been more specific on how I should be handling my particular situation, but aside from including a live therapist with each copy of the book, I don't know how the authors could do that. Well, they could focus less on couples where both have kids and more on couples where only one does. That would help me. :)
October 1, 2013
It's no wonder the couples given as examples have issues. Half of this book is just common sense while the other half is a smack in the head to relationship-challenged people.
December 10, 2019
Abandoned three chapters in. The authors make a lot of assertions that are not backed up by the science, and they don't cite their sources. Specifically, they keep claiming that parents feel more strongly towards kids who are biologically related to them than towards kids who are not, which is so much bunk I can't even deal. Do not recommend.
December 9, 2022
This book is pretty old now but comprises many timeless truths as to challenges faced by couples in blended families. I really wish that I had read it earlier in my relationship. I think it helps with understanding both partners' perspectives, helping each to feel heard and understood/not alone and encourage empathy and solutions for conflicts that arise.
I couldn't rate the book higher as, in my opinion, it is very dated and stereotypical in its assertion of "nuclear" families and "biological" bonds being superior than any other type of parental/guardian relationship with a child and acknowledging the many different types of families that exist in the world. From personal experience, I can affirm that this is not necessarily the case.
I couldn't rate the book higher as, in my opinion, it is very dated and stereotypical in its assertion of "nuclear" families and "biological" bonds being superior than any other type of parental/guardian relationship with a child and acknowledging the many different types of families that exist in the world. From personal experience, I can affirm that this is not necessarily the case.
May 16, 2023
Really good book about relationships. This one specifically targets blended families. However, I joked that I'd make anyone considering divorce reads it, it provides some insights on the psychological impact divorce has on children, and would probably make them not easily give up on their marriage.
Unlike other blended family books that tend to focus on the relationship with the children, this book offers more targeted advice to the couple. Highlighting that a strong relationship can be the foundation to a healthy blended family.
I recommend this book to anyone with kids, considering a blended family, or just curious about the topic.
Unlike other blended family books that tend to focus on the relationship with the children, this book offers more targeted advice to the couple. Highlighting that a strong relationship can be the foundation to a healthy blended family.
I recommend this book to anyone with kids, considering a blended family, or just curious about the topic.
October 7, 2023
This book was meh. It was really written for couples who have both been divorced and who both have kids. I’ve never been married and don’t have kids, but I’m engaged to a man who is divorced with two kids. I was really looking for guidance for this type of situation. The book is disorganized and with chapters that are way too long. The couples she uses as examples seem like idiots with emotional intelligence levels of a gorilla. I realize I hate the word “stepcouple”. It makes me feel like I’m not in a real relationship or going to have a real marriage, like I’m inferior to the first marriage. I’m sure there are better books out there than this one.
November 3, 2019
Good book but...
I really enjoyed this book. It had great tools and tips. As a stepparent, I appreciated it. However, my one qualms about this book was that it seemed to focus solely on two people with kids who form a union where each us a stepparent. I understand that happens frequently. For me, my husband had kids, I didn’t. And I would have liked to hear about those experiences/tips/tricks as well. But overall it was a great read!
I really enjoyed this book. It had great tools and tips. As a stepparent, I appreciated it. However, my one qualms about this book was that it seemed to focus solely on two people with kids who form a union where each us a stepparent. I understand that happens frequently. For me, my husband had kids, I didn’t. And I would have liked to hear about those experiences/tips/tricks as well. But overall it was a great read!
January 7, 2018
Has some good information but the entire book is horribly disorganized
April 20, 2021
A self-help book for step-parents (especially of teenagers). Pretty interesting and very straightforward writing. Full of helpful information.
July 19, 2021
Helpful advice and approaches for stepparents and blended families.
December 30, 2022
If your currently in a blended family, or getting ready to blend this book is a good idea to read. Gives you the basic understanding of what to expect and how to deal.
July 20, 2018
This wasn't bad, but not quite what I was expecting. It's really written for couples who have both divorced and have children. As a woman who has not ever been married, and who does not and will not have children, there were entire sections I could skip.
The main thing I got from this was that stepcoupling is incredibly difficult (duh) and that it's even harder when you've both got kids from previous marriages (phew, glad that's not me).
There are some helpful thoughts, but there's nothing earth shattering in here that wouldn't have already occurred to you if you had a healthy relationship to begin with.
The main thing I got from this was that stepcoupling is incredibly difficult (duh) and that it's even harder when you've both got kids from previous marriages (phew, glad that's not me).
There are some helpful thoughts, but there's nothing earth shattering in here that wouldn't have already occurred to you if you had a healthy relationship to begin with.
June 8, 2013
This book kind of rubbed me the wrong way. It was really badly organized. It jumped all over the place with no logic whatsoever. In addition, the authors interviewed about five "step couples" and use their anecdotes on pretty much every single page. I got really tired of hearing stories from "Julie, age 41, step coupling for four years." The advice isn't bad if you can actually get through the book though. It also seems like it would be validating and thought provoking for couples who are just beginning this journey.
September 5, 2014
I found this book helpful mostly in showing some of the issues I would face coming into a family as a soon-to-be stepparent. It does a good job of exploring the dynamics between the two adults as well as between the parent and child and between the stepparent and child. Pretty useful as a primer, as long as you keep in mind that your situation is unique and won't exactly replicate any of the cases discussed in the book.
August 29, 2017
Excellent read with excellent perspectives. Even though I wouldn't agree with everything contained herein, the material is thought provoking and provides guidance to critical topics and points. Really helpful for step couples, and nuclear families alike. Today who doesn't know a sister - brother - or friend who is challenged in this way. For a great understanding of families and the challenges we face in our own marriages and those of people close to us, this is a 'goodread.'
June 12, 2009
provides some good information that is very general in scope. would like to see a book that focuses more on individual case studies instead of a collection of quotations scattered throughout the text. also very parent-centric (both partners already have children from previous relationships). was hoping it would have more insight on individuals who did not already have children...
April 18, 2009
Wow. So many good bits of advice in this book whether or not you're dealing with a step family situation. I'd actually like to have my sister read it for some of the stuff going on in her relationship! I might actually want to buy this book.
October 1, 2009
So, why didn't I pick up this kind of book 10 years ago? Guess I just wasn't ready ; ) Would have been nice to know that it takes 4 -7 years for a step family to feel like a family and why.
October 21, 2014
I thought this was a great little book on how to deal with the challenges of blended families. It's a quick read and I found it really hit the nail on the head many times!
Displaying 1 - 20 of 20 reviews