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Growing Old: Notes on Aging with Something like Grace
Elizabeth Marshall Thomas has spent a lifetime observing the natural world, chronicling the customs of pre-contact hunter-gatherers and the secret lives of deer and dogs. In this book, the capstone of her long career, Thomas, now eighty-eight, turns her keen eye to her own life. The result is an account of growing old that is at once funny and charming and intimate and profound, both a memoir and a life-affirming map all of us may follow to embrace our later years with grace and dignity.
A charmingly intimate account and a broad look at the social and historical traditions related to aging, Growing Old explores a wide range of issues connected with growing older, from stereotypes of the elderly as burdensome to the methods of burial humans have used throughout history to how to deal with a concerned neighbor who assumes you’re buying cat food to eat for dinner.
A charmingly intimate account and a broad look at the social and historical traditions related to aging, Growing Old explores a wide range of issues connected with growing older, from stereotypes of the elderly as burdensome to the methods of burial humans have used throughout history to how to deal with a concerned neighbor who assumes you’re buying cat food to eat for dinner.
224 pages, Hardcover
First published April 28, 2020
About the author
Elizabeth Marshall Thomas
42 books244 followersElizabeth Marshall Thomas is the author of The Harmless People, a non fiction work about the Kung Bushmen of southwestern Africa, and of Reindeer Moon, a novel about the paleolithic hunter gatherers of Siberia, both of which were tremendous international successes. She lives in New Hampshire.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 127 reviews
February 3, 2020
Somewhere around five years ago I was prompted to read Elizabeth Marshall Thomas’ The Hidden Life of Deer after reading Will Byrnes’ excellent review of the same. Since then I’ve ventured more often into non-fiction than in prior years, and although I still read more fiction than non-fiction, I’ve discovered authors, like Thomas, who manage to bring these books to life. In fact, while I was reading The Hidden Life of Deer, invariably a deer would manage to wander through my back yard as though summoned by the power of my reading her book. And although no octogenarians wandered through my yard while reading this, her words will wander through me for some time, reminding me of the blessings, perspectives and wisdom that come with time.
”The aging process is an essential part of the human story, and it’s not for the faint-hearted. It’s as strange as it is captivating – a venture to the unknown.”
”As we age, we experience changes, and perhaps the most dramatic is in our sense of time. When we were young, time crawled along slowly, but as we start aging, it flies.
Covering a range of topics, she discusses everything from how, as a child, she tended to view old age as ”a rare condition I didn’t need to think about,” but that as she has gathered years of living, she views it as something that ”one slides into it quietly,” to how strange it now seems to her to no longer be seen, as though the years are slowly causing her to disappear from view, the sight of her no longer seems to register with those walking toward her. The memories she has of learning of the first time a family member died, and although she had never met her, she burst into tears, so strong that she can visualize it all.
Death leaves an indelible mark on us, more so if it is the death of someone we loved, but even the thought of death, or being confronted with the death of someone we barely knew, or knew of, it’s the entrance of that word that creates that sense of discomfort. No one likes to think about death, even if they don’t fear it, even if it doesn’t involve someone they knew. Most people can’t even really conceive of the realities of growing old, let alone death, even though it is inevitable. And, let’s be honest, only the very young can’t wait to be older.
While this covers a broad range of the things one normally associates with aging, and death, this is far from gloomy. There are lighter moments, and insightful glimpses that occasionally include some dark humour, especially as it relates to the pitfalls and physical changes that come with aging. “Losing” keys, glasses, etc. only to find them in some random spot later on – of course, only after purchasing a replacement. Coming to terms with the physical aspects of aging, the slowing down, facing the fact that those things you could once do easily are no longer easy, and sometimes impossible. And, of course, there is some advice on preparing for the inevitable, for, as she says, “death is the price we pay for life.”
Pub Date: 28 April 2020
Many thanks for the ARC provided by HarperCollins Publishers / HarperOne, NetGalley & Edelweiss
”The aging process is an essential part of the human story, and it’s not for the faint-hearted. It’s as strange as it is captivating – a venture to the unknown.”
”As we age, we experience changes, and perhaps the most dramatic is in our sense of time. When we were young, time crawled along slowly, but as we start aging, it flies.
Covering a range of topics, she discusses everything from how, as a child, she tended to view old age as ”a rare condition I didn’t need to think about,” but that as she has gathered years of living, she views it as something that ”one slides into it quietly,” to how strange it now seems to her to no longer be seen, as though the years are slowly causing her to disappear from view, the sight of her no longer seems to register with those walking toward her. The memories she has of learning of the first time a family member died, and although she had never met her, she burst into tears, so strong that she can visualize it all.
Death leaves an indelible mark on us, more so if it is the death of someone we loved, but even the thought of death, or being confronted with the death of someone we barely knew, or knew of, it’s the entrance of that word that creates that sense of discomfort. No one likes to think about death, even if they don’t fear it, even if it doesn’t involve someone they knew. Most people can’t even really conceive of the realities of growing old, let alone death, even though it is inevitable. And, let’s be honest, only the very young can’t wait to be older.
While this covers a broad range of the things one normally associates with aging, and death, this is far from gloomy. There are lighter moments, and insightful glimpses that occasionally include some dark humour, especially as it relates to the pitfalls and physical changes that come with aging. “Losing” keys, glasses, etc. only to find them in some random spot later on – of course, only after purchasing a replacement. Coming to terms with the physical aspects of aging, the slowing down, facing the fact that those things you could once do easily are no longer easy, and sometimes impossible. And, of course, there is some advice on preparing for the inevitable, for, as she says, “death is the price we pay for life.”
Pub Date: 28 April 2020
Many thanks for the ARC provided by HarperCollins Publishers / HarperOne, NetGalley & Edelweiss
June 24, 2020
This was interesting enough to complete, but it didn’t offer any startling insights into what old age is like. The reader gets the typical sorts of details: how one’s memory, especially for names, fails; how time passes differently—more rapidly—than it does when one is young; how the body gives out, and so on. Interspersed with interesting details about the author’s life are bits of (sometimes comparative) anthropological information about the San bushmen of the Kalahari, with whom Marshall Thomas spent considerable time and whom she wrote about, as well as information about old age/retirement homes and communities, which she researched both for a future self who might need to move into one and for her readers, who might be interested in knowing what’s available. The text is fairly lively, but occasionally rambling and disorganized. I don’t regret reading the book, but I can’t say it’s a memorable piece of writing.
October 20, 2022
Oct 19, 1120am ~~ Review asap.
9pm ~~ I didn't expect to burn through this book in just one night but thanks to a bit of insomnia I just kept going to the end. I thought the book was funny, moving, and would be helpful for anyone who might be wondering about certain aspects of life in the Golden Years. (Are they still called that, I wonder?)
This is the first book I have read by Thomas. I learned of her when I read Sy Montgomery's book about octopus. I ordered a sampling: a couple of novels, this book, an earlier memoir, and her book about the San people of Namibia. I am very much looking forward to them all, even more now that I have 'met' Elizabeth Thomas and found her to be delightful.
She talked about how the elderly are ignored in our society and when she first began noticing that people were ignoring her. I can totally relate to this, have seen it in action when I have been out and about with my 93 year old Mother. Once at her bank, a manager was helping us set up something or other and looked at me while she began to explain a few details, starting with the words 'She can also....', just as if Mother was not in the chair right next to me. I interrupted to say 'Tell her, not me. She's not stupid, she just can't hear very good.' So she raised her voice and spoke directly to Mother. Whenever we have gone together after that day, that particular manager has been very careful to speak to Mother. But why not give her that courtesy without needing to be reminded to do it?!
Thomas was open about many things she was experiencing at the time: loss of hearing, loss of memory in certain areas, a little talking to herself, and she fell and broke her hip once so became more concerned over such a thing happening again. But she also did research into retirement communities: not so much for herself, but so she could talk about it in the book. In 2020 when this book was published she was still living in her own home with her son and his family right across the street. But she knew that many people would not have such a nice situation and even though most people would naturally prefer to stay at home until the very end (I know Mom hopes for that) such a thing is not always possible. So Thomas explored various places in her area and learned what to look for, prices at the time, and tells the reader in a very matter of fact manner how to do such things for themselves.
She discusses in the same tone the various methods of handling our bodies after we die, why it is important to have some kind of social contact as we age, and many other ideas of what to expect as the years add up. I thought it was an excellent little book, very funny at times, poignant at others, and every once in a while I would think how I needed to remember a certain piece of advice. Not only for Mother over the next few years, but for myself someday as well.
9pm ~~ I didn't expect to burn through this book in just one night but thanks to a bit of insomnia I just kept going to the end. I thought the book was funny, moving, and would be helpful for anyone who might be wondering about certain aspects of life in the Golden Years. (Are they still called that, I wonder?)
This is the first book I have read by Thomas. I learned of her when I read Sy Montgomery's book about octopus. I ordered a sampling: a couple of novels, this book, an earlier memoir, and her book about the San people of Namibia. I am very much looking forward to them all, even more now that I have 'met' Elizabeth Thomas and found her to be delightful.
She talked about how the elderly are ignored in our society and when she first began noticing that people were ignoring her. I can totally relate to this, have seen it in action when I have been out and about with my 93 year old Mother. Once at her bank, a manager was helping us set up something or other and looked at me while she began to explain a few details, starting with the words 'She can also....', just as if Mother was not in the chair right next to me. I interrupted to say 'Tell her, not me. She's not stupid, she just can't hear very good.' So she raised her voice and spoke directly to Mother. Whenever we have gone together after that day, that particular manager has been very careful to speak to Mother. But why not give her that courtesy without needing to be reminded to do it?!
Thomas was open about many things she was experiencing at the time: loss of hearing, loss of memory in certain areas, a little talking to herself, and she fell and broke her hip once so became more concerned over such a thing happening again. But she also did research into retirement communities: not so much for herself, but so she could talk about it in the book. In 2020 when this book was published she was still living in her own home with her son and his family right across the street. But she knew that many people would not have such a nice situation and even though most people would naturally prefer to stay at home until the very end (I know Mom hopes for that) such a thing is not always possible. So Thomas explored various places in her area and learned what to look for, prices at the time, and tells the reader in a very matter of fact manner how to do such things for themselves.
She discusses in the same tone the various methods of handling our bodies after we die, why it is important to have some kind of social contact as we age, and many other ideas of what to expect as the years add up. I thought it was an excellent little book, very funny at times, poignant at others, and every once in a while I would think how I needed to remember a certain piece of advice. Not only for Mother over the next few years, but for myself someday as well.
March 29, 2020
The author, a retired anthropologist in her late eighties, is as she tells us in the introduction, a widow and a great grandmother. I had read her book about dogs, so I thought I’d like to see what she had to say about aging. She talks about forgetfulness, hearing aids, a hip fracture, health issues, memories, alienation, isolation, the good old days, religion, nursing homes, smoking, dementia, and of course, death. I thought her observations might have worked better as a shorter magazine piece. Thanks to Edelweiss and the publisher for this advance copy in exchange for an honest review.
February 10, 2020
I always know I'm going to give a good review on a book when I have to read multiple sections of it to whatever friends or family are around while I'm reading it. :) I read a digital ARC of this book while I was spending the week with my best friend in Nebraska, and I read so many passages to her that she ended up reading it herself.
Thomas writes honestly about what it's like to be approaching 90, on topics such as losing loved ones, failing bodies, making arrangements ahead of time for your own passing, memory loss, spirituality and an afterlife, and how aging changes us, among others. While I am only in middle age myself, I related to much of what she wrote. Too many of my friends and family members have died recently at too fast a pace, and I can only imagine what it must be like to be her age and to have had to deal with the deaths of your spouse, siblings, parents and friends. I had lost both of my parents by 31 and she lost her mother in her 70's (her mother lived to be 105 and published her last book -- with Harvard Press, no less -- at 104!), so in some ways I relate more on that level. Her stories of her parents' and grandparents' old ages were also quite interesting, and it saddened me to note how different old age is now than it was just a generation ago when our elders lived with us in their final years.
What made the book especially interesting to me wasn't the basic content, though, it was Thomas's unique experiences and insights. She lived among the San people of Africa for a time in her childhood and has an extensive insight into that culture and ancient cultures in general. I found her stories at interesting, sweet, funny and heartbreaking. I also appreciated her introspection about her own feelings about other creatures (her description of four animals she'd witnessed reacting to their upcoming deaths was moving and fascinating).
I loved Thomas's frank way of talking and her conversational manner. Thomas is straight talking, quirky and I laughed out loud more than a few times. Others may object to her religious views (she's basically atheist) but she shares them merely as a friend who would share her thoughts and her memories, not as doctrine the reader needs to believe. Another reviewer said she was bothered by the rambling, but I enjoyed it. I don't want to read a textbook or how-to manual on aging and dying. I much appreciated reading this for what it was -- a thoughtful book by a fascinating woman sharing her thoughts on a topic rarely discussed.
The best books leave you feeling as if you've made a friend, and that's the feeling I got with this book. Recommended.
I read a digital ARC of this book for the purpose of review.
Thomas writes honestly about what it's like to be approaching 90, on topics such as losing loved ones, failing bodies, making arrangements ahead of time for your own passing, memory loss, spirituality and an afterlife, and how aging changes us, among others. While I am only in middle age myself, I related to much of what she wrote. Too many of my friends and family members have died recently at too fast a pace, and I can only imagine what it must be like to be her age and to have had to deal with the deaths of your spouse, siblings, parents and friends. I had lost both of my parents by 31 and she lost her mother in her 70's (her mother lived to be 105 and published her last book -- with Harvard Press, no less -- at 104!), so in some ways I relate more on that level. Her stories of her parents' and grandparents' old ages were also quite interesting, and it saddened me to note how different old age is now than it was just a generation ago when our elders lived with us in their final years.
What made the book especially interesting to me wasn't the basic content, though, it was Thomas's unique experiences and insights. She lived among the San people of Africa for a time in her childhood and has an extensive insight into that culture and ancient cultures in general. I found her stories at interesting, sweet, funny and heartbreaking. I also appreciated her introspection about her own feelings about other creatures (her description of four animals she'd witnessed reacting to their upcoming deaths was moving and fascinating).
I loved Thomas's frank way of talking and her conversational manner. Thomas is straight talking, quirky and I laughed out loud more than a few times. Others may object to her religious views (she's basically atheist) but she shares them merely as a friend who would share her thoughts and her memories, not as doctrine the reader needs to believe. Another reviewer said she was bothered by the rambling, but I enjoyed it. I don't want to read a textbook or how-to manual on aging and dying. I much appreciated reading this for what it was -- a thoughtful book by a fascinating woman sharing her thoughts on a topic rarely discussed.
The best books leave you feeling as if you've made a friend, and that's the feeling I got with this book. Recommended.
I read a digital ARC of this book for the purpose of review.
April 6, 2020
From the description of this book, I was expecting a recounting of a life well lived that was warm and endearing, one that reflected joy in the experiences the author had had, and a feeling of a “life well lived”. Instead, what I was reminded of was the Dylan Thomas poem “Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night”. In many ways, it struck me as someone who was, indeed, raging against the dying of the light.
There were glimpses of an extraordinary life lived by the author, experiences beyond what most people have had, and a ferocious desire to maintain independence as long as was physically possible. I also felt there was some humor, but it was a humor I didn’t truly understand. Perhaps it was a Yankee type of humor, one that comes from living in the taciturn northeastern United States. Or, perhaps, it was humor that was born from the vast experiences of the author, many of which were hinted at, but not detailed in the book.
The end result was not so much disappointment, as a feeling that, no matter how many times I read the book, I wouldn’t understand it. Was that because my family has lived exclusively in the south? We can trace our ancestors back to their roots in 1500 Scotland, but in the United States they all lived exclusively in the deep south. That meant it was a struggle for me to understand her environment and to put context around her words. Her narrative didn’t do that for me, either, so I was left with a feeling of somehow having missed the point of the book.
My thanks to Harper Collins Publishers and NetGalley for providing me with an advanced digital reader copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. Perhaps there is a specific audience for whom this book will resonate with “ah ha” moments, but I’m not sure who that audience is.
There were glimpses of an extraordinary life lived by the author, experiences beyond what most people have had, and a ferocious desire to maintain independence as long as was physically possible. I also felt there was some humor, but it was a humor I didn’t truly understand. Perhaps it was a Yankee type of humor, one that comes from living in the taciturn northeastern United States. Or, perhaps, it was humor that was born from the vast experiences of the author, many of which were hinted at, but not detailed in the book.
The end result was not so much disappointment, as a feeling that, no matter how many times I read the book, I wouldn’t understand it. Was that because my family has lived exclusively in the south? We can trace our ancestors back to their roots in 1500 Scotland, but in the United States they all lived exclusively in the deep south. That meant it was a struggle for me to understand her environment and to put context around her words. Her narrative didn’t do that for me, either, so I was left with a feeling of somehow having missed the point of the book.
My thanks to Harper Collins Publishers and NetGalley for providing me with an advanced digital reader copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. Perhaps there is a specific audience for whom this book will resonate with “ah ha” moments, but I’m not sure who that audience is.
January 22, 2020
Elizabeth Marshall Thomas has lived an extraordinary life. She has been a bestselling author of books about animal behavior and other cultures based upon her decades of personal observations and experiences from around the world. She has, in fact, been places and done things that the rest of us can only dream about. Thomas, though, is eighty-eight years old and that kind of adventure is forever behind her. These days, the author spends much of her time observing the human aging process in herself and those around her and figuring out how to make the best of the years she has left. Now, with Growing Old: Notes on Aging with Something Like Grace, she shares her observations and thoughts with the rest of us.
Perhaps because Thomas is only seventeen years older than me, and that I’ve been caring for my 97-year-old father for a decade now, relatively little of what she has to say here really surprises me. I suspect, though, that readers in their fourth and fifth decades will have an entirely different reaction to reading Growing Old. Too, those hoping to find religiously-based reasons for not fearing aging and death should note that they are not going to find them here. According to Thomas, “…by the time I was in my teens, I’d decided that if God does unacceptable things, he’s not like an employer whose job you can quit or a public official you can vote against. All you can do about a cruel invisible tyrant is to believe he doesn’t exist.” She goes on to say, “So I decided there wasn��t a hell, and death seemed a little less horrible.”
Growing Old includes chapters on how quickly time seems to pass for elderly people; on reasons not to fear death; on how deteriorating eyesight can directly lead to hearing loss and dementia; on the “cultural problems” associated with old age; on how too many doctors really feel about the elderly; and on how having friends will keep you alive, among other topics. And then there are the practical chapters covering topics such as senior living communities, medications, funeral homes and cemeteries, and the like. All of this will be invaluable information for those who are themselves approaching old age or whose parents are already there.
But there are also takeaways for near-contemporaries of the author, cheerful little pep talks like the following paragraph:
“Thus life while aging can be wonderful. It’s just wonderful in a different way than it was when you were young. For instance, you’re smarter than the younger people, but not because your brain functions better. Your brain was at its peak when you were thirty, and now that you’re old, you forget people’s names and lose things. But you understand the world around you more deeply and clearly. You excel at interpreting your surroundings because of all you’ve learned.”
And, finally, there’s this thought:
“Not only can you adjust to aging; you can sometimes do the things you did when you were young. You just do them with a little more equipment and in different ways, which seems easy enough, especially if age has made you smarter and more thoughtful.”
Bottom Line: Sometimes deadly serious, sometimes funny, Growing Old is part memoir, part handbook on the whole aging process. While it does not break much new ground, it does offer useful insights into growing old for the uninitiated. It could be especially useful, I think, for those trying to deal with and understand their elderly parents. Next up for Thomas is a book on commas, how to use them correctly and why she loves them so much. I can’t wait. (Seriously.)
Perhaps because Thomas is only seventeen years older than me, and that I’ve been caring for my 97-year-old father for a decade now, relatively little of what she has to say here really surprises me. I suspect, though, that readers in their fourth and fifth decades will have an entirely different reaction to reading Growing Old. Too, those hoping to find religiously-based reasons for not fearing aging and death should note that they are not going to find them here. According to Thomas, “…by the time I was in my teens, I’d decided that if God does unacceptable things, he’s not like an employer whose job you can quit or a public official you can vote against. All you can do about a cruel invisible tyrant is to believe he doesn’t exist.” She goes on to say, “So I decided there wasn��t a hell, and death seemed a little less horrible.”
Growing Old includes chapters on how quickly time seems to pass for elderly people; on reasons not to fear death; on how deteriorating eyesight can directly lead to hearing loss and dementia; on the “cultural problems” associated with old age; on how too many doctors really feel about the elderly; and on how having friends will keep you alive, among other topics. And then there are the practical chapters covering topics such as senior living communities, medications, funeral homes and cemeteries, and the like. All of this will be invaluable information for those who are themselves approaching old age or whose parents are already there.
But there are also takeaways for near-contemporaries of the author, cheerful little pep talks like the following paragraph:
“Thus life while aging can be wonderful. It’s just wonderful in a different way than it was when you were young. For instance, you’re smarter than the younger people, but not because your brain functions better. Your brain was at its peak when you were thirty, and now that you’re old, you forget people’s names and lose things. But you understand the world around you more deeply and clearly. You excel at interpreting your surroundings because of all you’ve learned.”
And, finally, there’s this thought:
“Not only can you adjust to aging; you can sometimes do the things you did when you were young. You just do them with a little more equipment and in different ways, which seems easy enough, especially if age has made you smarter and more thoughtful.”
Bottom Line: Sometimes deadly serious, sometimes funny, Growing Old is part memoir, part handbook on the whole aging process. While it does not break much new ground, it does offer useful insights into growing old for the uninitiated. It could be especially useful, I think, for those trying to deal with and understand their elderly parents. Next up for Thomas is a book on commas, how to use them correctly and why she loves them so much. I can’t wait. (Seriously.)
March 27, 2020
Growing Old by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas was not what I expected. I always finish an ARC when I am lucky enough to received one. I feel that before I comment on a new book, I owe it to the author to keep an open mind and to finish the book. After all they spent lots of time and effort and the least I can do is read it and comment honestly.
This book was such a drag. Growing Old is much more fun than this book imparts. The entire book was a downer. I was looking for some pearls of wisdom, some humor perhaps, some nuggets of information to take with me. Nothing, nada, zip.
I realize that the author has written several books but this is not one I would recommend. Thanks to the publisher, author and NetGalley for the ARC in exchange for an honest review.
This book was such a drag. Growing Old is much more fun than this book imparts. The entire book was a downer. I was looking for some pearls of wisdom, some humor perhaps, some nuggets of information to take with me. Nothing, nada, zip.
I realize that the author has written several books but this is not one I would recommend. Thanks to the publisher, author and NetGalley for the ARC in exchange for an honest review.
August 9, 2019
Enjoyable and insightful.
We all grow old, that is, those of us who are lucky enough to survive to old age, but most books about aging are written by people who have not lived through it. Elizabeth Marshall Thomas says, “They saw what aging could do, but they couldn’t have known what it’s like.” As an 87-year-old anthropologist, Thomas has the expertise to observe and report and a wealth of material to draw from. The result is twenty short essays offering a rich blend of memoir, anthropological observation, and philosophy on life, death, and what it feels like to grow old.
An advantage of the short essay format is that it invites us to pause and muse on insights we especially liked in a particular essay. One bit of philosophy that stuck with me was the wisdom drawn from seeing a stone in a field in her rural New Hampshire property. In contrast to our short lives as humans, that stone has probably existed about 300 million years, a “life” that we humans might envy. “But as far as the stone is concerned, nothing has happened….I think you might agree that life with a price [i.e., death] seems better.”
Indeed, Elizabeth Marshall Thomas has led a rich and even adventurous life and, as an anthropologist, has written about many of her experiences for those of us who are highly unlikely to experience them ourselves. She has expanded her field of study and writing to other societies, like cats, dogs, deer, and lions. These experiences significantly influence how she views her old age and lend her insights, not only into how it feels to grow old, but also into how others perceive older people. Even a kindly neighbor who brings her homemade soup makes her feel she is being seen as a “walking cadaver”. I don’t have nearly as many years behind me as the author, but even I can recognize the phenomenon.
Thomas’ early years also contribute to her feelings about age and death. We hear about those as well, such as her vivid recollection of her reaction to the death of a cousin when Thomas was only three.
My favorite parts of the book are her personal accounts of the routine experiences of aging. She talks about the downsides, like breaking her hip, but also some surprising advantages. There is also the recognition that as we age we come to appreciate and value the small joys of life, like the pleasure of going to bed with her three cats and two dogs.
If you are into what society calls “your senior years”, you will be nodding your head in recognition throughout this book and more than once probably responding “I never thought of it quite like that.” Younger readers will perhaps start looking at older folks in a new way. The subtitle of Growing Old is “Notes on Aging with Something like Grace”. Thomas has grace, indeed, but I would suggest that something like “verve” or “joie de vivre” describes her approach to aging better. Although she freely acknowledges the inevitability of death, she is not focused on preparing for it but rather on experiencing the rest of her life. As she says, ”I’m already old, but if I live as long as my mother lived, to just shy of 104, what would my life have been like if I’d started to worry when I was twenty?” This reminded me of evolutionary biologist Ernst Mayr, who published his last book at the age of 100. I would not be surprised to see Elizabeth Marshall Thomas beat this achievement.
My thanks to Edelweiss and the publisher for an advance review copy of this book.
We all grow old, that is, those of us who are lucky enough to survive to old age, but most books about aging are written by people who have not lived through it. Elizabeth Marshall Thomas says, “They saw what aging could do, but they couldn’t have known what it’s like.” As an 87-year-old anthropologist, Thomas has the expertise to observe and report and a wealth of material to draw from. The result is twenty short essays offering a rich blend of memoir, anthropological observation, and philosophy on life, death, and what it feels like to grow old.
An advantage of the short essay format is that it invites us to pause and muse on insights we especially liked in a particular essay. One bit of philosophy that stuck with me was the wisdom drawn from seeing a stone in a field in her rural New Hampshire property. In contrast to our short lives as humans, that stone has probably existed about 300 million years, a “life” that we humans might envy. “But as far as the stone is concerned, nothing has happened….I think you might agree that life with a price [i.e., death] seems better.”
Indeed, Elizabeth Marshall Thomas has led a rich and even adventurous life and, as an anthropologist, has written about many of her experiences for those of us who are highly unlikely to experience them ourselves. She has expanded her field of study and writing to other societies, like cats, dogs, deer, and lions. These experiences significantly influence how she views her old age and lend her insights, not only into how it feels to grow old, but also into how others perceive older people. Even a kindly neighbor who brings her homemade soup makes her feel she is being seen as a “walking cadaver”. I don’t have nearly as many years behind me as the author, but even I can recognize the phenomenon.
Thomas’ early years also contribute to her feelings about age and death. We hear about those as well, such as her vivid recollection of her reaction to the death of a cousin when Thomas was only three.
My favorite parts of the book are her personal accounts of the routine experiences of aging. She talks about the downsides, like breaking her hip, but also some surprising advantages. There is also the recognition that as we age we come to appreciate and value the small joys of life, like the pleasure of going to bed with her three cats and two dogs.
If you are into what society calls “your senior years”, you will be nodding your head in recognition throughout this book and more than once probably responding “I never thought of it quite like that.” Younger readers will perhaps start looking at older folks in a new way. The subtitle of Growing Old is “Notes on Aging with Something like Grace”. Thomas has grace, indeed, but I would suggest that something like “verve” or “joie de vivre” describes her approach to aging better. Although she freely acknowledges the inevitability of death, she is not focused on preparing for it but rather on experiencing the rest of her life. As she says, ”I’m already old, but if I live as long as my mother lived, to just shy of 104, what would my life have been like if I’d started to worry when I was twenty?” This reminded me of evolutionary biologist Ernst Mayr, who published his last book at the age of 100. I would not be surprised to see Elizabeth Marshall Thomas beat this achievement.
My thanks to Edelweiss and the publisher for an advance review copy of this book.
February 18, 2020
I’m getting older — we all are. I’ve always tried to face life prepared, whether it’s going to college, having a baby, or, well — growing old. I was intrigued by the title and decided to review “Growing Old: Notes on Aging with Something Like Grace,” by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas (thanks, NetGalley, for a review ecopy).
Elizabeth Marshall Thomas knows what it is like to grow old: “I’m a widowed great-grandmother, 87 years old, who knows what aging feels like and how we elderly are viewed.”
She writes that, “except for senior discounts we see nothing good about (aging). When it comes, we try to hide it while our minds and bodies crumble, and death is our only escape. But this view is needlessly negative. Death is the price we pay for life.”
I enjoyed Thomas’ take on various aspects of aging. It was gratifying to read about how wonderful it was for her to get a hearing aid: “Suddenly you’re part of your environment — right inside it, not just looking at it. My hearing loss had come so gradually I hadn’t realized what I was missing. And then, like a miracle, my environment was no longer like a photo — it was living and breathing all around me. I felt like I felt when I was forty, the only difference being that when I was forty, I never imagined my hearing would fail.”
Thomas has some chapters talking about retirement living options, and another about the funeral industry. These were fine, but they were not too detailed and honestly seemed a bit out-of-place in this book that shined more with the author’s personal insights. She is an animal lover and I enjoyed that aspect of her thoughts. She mentions that her cats became indoor cats when they began hunting birds outside — sounds like something I would do. And she mentions freeing bugs inside the house to move them outside — something Daughter #2 does. She writes movingly about the death of a favorite dog, Pearl: “It may seem wrong or at best unusual to feel this way about a dog but not always to feel this way about a person. We can change how we act, but we can’t change how we feel, and I know that I’ll miss her forever. The people I loved and lost were other people, but Pearl was like my hand.” I know what she means.
It was interesting to hear her delve into the phenomena of the elderly thinking things are getting worse and worse in the world. “When I was young, I felt the same. When we start life, what we see is the norm and we accept what we’re handed. Disapproval of conditions is mainly reserved for the old when they see that things have changed.” True.
This is not related to this book, but it’s something aging-related that I found interesting. I love the Netflix series “The Crown” (based on British royalty), and in a recent episode an elderly Princess Alice (Prince Philip’s mother) said, “There came a moment around the time I turned 70, when it dawned on me that I was no longer a participant (in life), rather a spectator.” This sounds familiar to a similar quote I’d read in a book, attributed to George Bush as an elder. How sad to hear that this is how the elderly are treated and perceived — especially since I (and all of us) are headed to the land of being spectators.
I enjoyed the conversational tone of this book; it was like sitting down with Thomas over a cup of tea. Unfortunately (but somewhat predictably, these days), she gets into politics, dissing Presidents Trump and Reagan. She even, inexplicably, brings up in a derogatory way that Reagan’s funeral “cost $400 million” — can she blame him for the cost of his own funeral? Apparently, yes. Then we get an anecdote about her visiting Africa and marveling at the natives’ love of Obama, telling her (while “slightly embarrassed”) that Obama meant “Blessed.” Ah, now wasn’t that a meaningful addition to a book about aging? Editors out there: please advise your authors not to delve into politics. It does nothing positive for them and immediately turns off half their potential audience.
Another thing that troubled me about the book was Thomas’ insistence on denying the existence of God. She remembers her grandmother spending “her life with us trying to persuade us to accept Christ as our Savior, and we couldn’t, so I hope she accepted our failure as something God wanted, and that God’s will was done.” So sad. 2 Peter 3:9 tells us that it’s not God’s will that anyone should perish, but that all should come to repentance. I’m hopeful that even someone whose heart is as hard as Thomas’ may eventually realize that.
Thomas has had a many-years-long habit of heavy smoking, and she holds back nothing in this book, even sharing that “I know I’ll make a mental map of our town’s streets and sidewalks. Often, cigarette butts can be found there, with tobacco in most of them. I’m not sure I’d risk the indignity of picking them up because someone might see me, but the scattered butts, those potential smoking experiences, will stay in my mind.” I found that kind of sad, and was again grateful I’d never started smoking.
Thomas shares many memories indelibly fixed into her brain; terrible scenes of her loved ones and pets who have died. This was kind of disturbing, and honestly, while this book was interesting in many ways, I found it pretty depressing in many others.
Elizabeth Marshall Thomas knows what it is like to grow old: “I’m a widowed great-grandmother, 87 years old, who knows what aging feels like and how we elderly are viewed.”
She writes that, “except for senior discounts we see nothing good about (aging). When it comes, we try to hide it while our minds and bodies crumble, and death is our only escape. But this view is needlessly negative. Death is the price we pay for life.”
I enjoyed Thomas’ take on various aspects of aging. It was gratifying to read about how wonderful it was for her to get a hearing aid: “Suddenly you’re part of your environment — right inside it, not just looking at it. My hearing loss had come so gradually I hadn’t realized what I was missing. And then, like a miracle, my environment was no longer like a photo — it was living and breathing all around me. I felt like I felt when I was forty, the only difference being that when I was forty, I never imagined my hearing would fail.”
Thomas has some chapters talking about retirement living options, and another about the funeral industry. These were fine, but they were not too detailed and honestly seemed a bit out-of-place in this book that shined more with the author’s personal insights. She is an animal lover and I enjoyed that aspect of her thoughts. She mentions that her cats became indoor cats when they began hunting birds outside — sounds like something I would do. And she mentions freeing bugs inside the house to move them outside — something Daughter #2 does. She writes movingly about the death of a favorite dog, Pearl: “It may seem wrong or at best unusual to feel this way about a dog but not always to feel this way about a person. We can change how we act, but we can’t change how we feel, and I know that I’ll miss her forever. The people I loved and lost were other people, but Pearl was like my hand.” I know what she means.
It was interesting to hear her delve into the phenomena of the elderly thinking things are getting worse and worse in the world. “When I was young, I felt the same. When we start life, what we see is the norm and we accept what we’re handed. Disapproval of conditions is mainly reserved for the old when they see that things have changed.” True.
This is not related to this book, but it’s something aging-related that I found interesting. I love the Netflix series “The Crown” (based on British royalty), and in a recent episode an elderly Princess Alice (Prince Philip’s mother) said, “There came a moment around the time I turned 70, when it dawned on me that I was no longer a participant (in life), rather a spectator.” This sounds familiar to a similar quote I’d read in a book, attributed to George Bush as an elder. How sad to hear that this is how the elderly are treated and perceived — especially since I (and all of us) are headed to the land of being spectators.
I enjoyed the conversational tone of this book; it was like sitting down with Thomas over a cup of tea. Unfortunately (but somewhat predictably, these days), she gets into politics, dissing Presidents Trump and Reagan. She even, inexplicably, brings up in a derogatory way that Reagan’s funeral “cost $400 million” — can she blame him for the cost of his own funeral? Apparently, yes. Then we get an anecdote about her visiting Africa and marveling at the natives’ love of Obama, telling her (while “slightly embarrassed”) that Obama meant “Blessed.” Ah, now wasn’t that a meaningful addition to a book about aging? Editors out there: please advise your authors not to delve into politics. It does nothing positive for them and immediately turns off half their potential audience.
Another thing that troubled me about the book was Thomas’ insistence on denying the existence of God. She remembers her grandmother spending “her life with us trying to persuade us to accept Christ as our Savior, and we couldn’t, so I hope she accepted our failure as something God wanted, and that God’s will was done.” So sad. 2 Peter 3:9 tells us that it’s not God’s will that anyone should perish, but that all should come to repentance. I’m hopeful that even someone whose heart is as hard as Thomas’ may eventually realize that.
Thomas has had a many-years-long habit of heavy smoking, and she holds back nothing in this book, even sharing that “I know I’ll make a mental map of our town’s streets and sidewalks. Often, cigarette butts can be found there, with tobacco in most of them. I’m not sure I’d risk the indignity of picking them up because someone might see me, but the scattered butts, those potential smoking experiences, will stay in my mind.” I found that kind of sad, and was again grateful I’d never started smoking.
Thomas shares many memories indelibly fixed into her brain; terrible scenes of her loved ones and pets who have died. This was kind of disturbing, and honestly, while this book was interesting in many ways, I found it pretty depressing in many others.
April 9, 2020
A forthcoming look at positive aging and death. A fresh perspective with sound advice. The tone of the writing makes for a fast read. Thank you NetGalley for the ARC.
April 4, 2020
Thanks to Netgalley, for an ARC of this book in exchange for a fair and honest review.
This was a realistic look at what happens when you grow old - not just "older," but into your 80s. It's not the "sure, you can hike the Appalachian Trail and dance the night away" no matter how old you are sort of book - the idea that age is really just a state of mind. She's realistic about the mental and physical decline, while recognizing that there are advantages to growing old as well - a perspective on life, an ability to "read" people and situations that comes with experience. But there are problems as well, and we might just as well accept that and think about how to deal with it.
The author is also realistic - she knows that she has a strong support network, including a son and his family who live right across the road, allowing her to stay in her own home. She recognizes that not everyone is in this position, so she devotes some time to "senior living" facilities and the advantages and disadvantages of moving to one. She doesn't hesitate to discuss dying, making plans for after one's death (funerals, disposal of one's body, etc.), and while it seems morbid - hey, this is somewhere we're all going to get eventually and I found it useful to think about these things.
Despite what could become a very morbid topic, the author writes with grace and humor. I found myself laughing at various points, despite the serious subject, because she used a turn of phrase that tickled me. It was a difficult topic to read and think about, but in spite of that, I enjoyed reading it. I am (I hope) a few years away from a lot of these issues, but that makes it the right time to start thinking about them.
This is a book that is well worth reading. I don't imagine younger readers would relate as well to it, but it would certainly give them a better understanding of their parents and grandparents and what they're living with. And for those of us who are older, it's a good guide to areas that need to be anticipated and considered.
This was a realistic look at what happens when you grow old - not just "older," but into your 80s. It's not the "sure, you can hike the Appalachian Trail and dance the night away" no matter how old you are sort of book - the idea that age is really just a state of mind. She's realistic about the mental and physical decline, while recognizing that there are advantages to growing old as well - a perspective on life, an ability to "read" people and situations that comes with experience. But there are problems as well, and we might just as well accept that and think about how to deal with it.
The author is also realistic - she knows that she has a strong support network, including a son and his family who live right across the road, allowing her to stay in her own home. She recognizes that not everyone is in this position, so she devotes some time to "senior living" facilities and the advantages and disadvantages of moving to one. She doesn't hesitate to discuss dying, making plans for after one's death (funerals, disposal of one's body, etc.), and while it seems morbid - hey, this is somewhere we're all going to get eventually and I found it useful to think about these things.
Despite what could become a very morbid topic, the author writes with grace and humor. I found myself laughing at various points, despite the serious subject, because she used a turn of phrase that tickled me. It was a difficult topic to read and think about, but in spite of that, I enjoyed reading it. I am (I hope) a few years away from a lot of these issues, but that makes it the right time to start thinking about them.
This is a book that is well worth reading. I don't imagine younger readers would relate as well to it, but it would certainly give them a better understanding of their parents and grandparents and what they're living with. And for those of us who are older, it's a good guide to areas that need to be anticipated and considered.
June 2, 2020
This was a pleasure to read. I found the information helpful and enlightening. It also made me laugh at a topic which I found little humor in, until I read this book. The attitude expressed by the author was realistic and independent and determined. All refreshing qualities which are serving her well.
Thank you to Netgalley, the author Elizabeth Marshall Thomas, and the publisher Harper Collins Publishers for granting my request for a free ARC in return for an honest review. I strongly recommend this book. No matter how old you are.
Thank you to Netgalley, the author Elizabeth Marshall Thomas, and the publisher Harper Collins Publishers for granting my request for a free ARC in return for an honest review. I strongly recommend this book. No matter how old you are.
February 16, 2020
Growing Old by Elizabeth Marshall Thomas
Ms. Thomas is a seasoned 88-year old author as she writes Growing Old, so she knows what she's writing about and how to write about it. I really enjoyed her musings about the realities of aging: hearing loss, forgetfulness, becoming "invisible," thinking about who will feed the dog if you die in your bed. Somehow, she is funny without being bitter or irreverent. She ponders death with the detachment of a scientific observer, which is exactly what she is. I laughed as she described a near-death experience with a female lion: "one thing I gathered from the experience is that being killed by a lion would be interesting."
She finds life interesting, and even the notion of death is more interesting than fearful to her. She has been through many difficult losses, as anyone her age has. She describes those with tenderness and some anger - she has unfortunately experienced terrible medical care, at times. She is not a religious person, but she respects religion because of the influence of her beloved grandmother.
Her dispassionate descriptions of burial traditions may not sit well with people who have recently lost a loved one. But the section is brief.
I even read all of the acknowledgements at the end of the book because I enjoy her writing style.
I was provided an ARC if this book through #NetGalley
Ms. Thomas is a seasoned 88-year old author as she writes Growing Old, so she knows what she's writing about and how to write about it. I really enjoyed her musings about the realities of aging: hearing loss, forgetfulness, becoming "invisible," thinking about who will feed the dog if you die in your bed. Somehow, she is funny without being bitter or irreverent. She ponders death with the detachment of a scientific observer, which is exactly what she is. I laughed as she described a near-death experience with a female lion: "one thing I gathered from the experience is that being killed by a lion would be interesting."
She finds life interesting, and even the notion of death is more interesting than fearful to her. She has been through many difficult losses, as anyone her age has. She describes those with tenderness and some anger - she has unfortunately experienced terrible medical care, at times. She is not a religious person, but she respects religion because of the influence of her beloved grandmother.
Her dispassionate descriptions of burial traditions may not sit well with people who have recently lost a loved one. But the section is brief.
I even read all of the acknowledgements at the end of the book because I enjoy her writing style.
I was provided an ARC if this book through #NetGalley
September 18, 2022
I read this book because the author was 87 years old when she wrote it. Also, I am watching my 83-year-old mother-in-law navigate this season of her life. I wanted to better understand and empathize with so many older people in our culture who seem to be discarded and disregarded. This book did not disappoint. The author, an anthropologist, is a vulnerable and authentic narrator who weaves personal narrative inside informative essays about everything from shopping for hearing aids to our culture’s deep fear of aging and death. The writing is sharp and humorous but also pointed. I found myself cringing at my own naïve attitudes about “old people”, and gratefully allowed this author to turn me toward a new way of thinking about them. Because they are all of us. No one has successfully escaped old age unless tragedy cut their life short. So, should I make it that far, I’ll be grateful, instead of grouchy. Thank you, Ms. Thomas, for continuing to write. I’ll be eagerly awaiting your next book.
September 16, 2020
So many books about aging are written by 40-year-olds, perhaps frightened by the idea of being forty, on the edge of, omg, fifty. They go on about THEIR running and 80-year-old marathon runners, all this on a kale and egg white diet, skin condition, thin eyebrows, puffed lips, and regular chanting, Tibetan bowls optional. But a writer who promises to talk about " aging with something like grace " would be lovely. And it was. Informative without lists. Supportive without pandering. And she is older than me. She's been there; done that and shares how she did it, not how we must do it.
Note: she also explores options she hasn't done including a very fair section re continuing care communities or hasn't yet done, burial or not options. Also, I've not been fair here; haven't noted how funny she can be.
Note: she also explores options she hasn't done including a very fair section re continuing care communities or hasn't yet done, burial or not options. Also, I've not been fair here; haven't noted how funny she can be.
February 26, 2020
I absolutely love Elizabeth Marshall Thomas' voice in this book. She is authentic, quirky, funny, and yet the topic is not one to take lightly - growing old. But; why not grow old with grace and ones own unique take on the world in the aging process?
I wasn't sure what to expect when I first started reading, but the author's purpose quickly came to light. I was enchanted as she described the travels embarked upon during her earlier years - exotic places where she spent years researching local flora and fauna, living strong among local people in often less-than-desirable conditions. Here she is now, in her late 80s, and it seems that despite her years of wisdom and experience she is often overlooked and discounted, as is so common in American society. Every person of a certain age has a story to tell; life experiences to share, and yet they are often treated as children, or even worse - they are invisible. Elizabeth Marshall Thomas is not invisible, nor is she childlike, in my opinion. Reading her words made me acutely aware of this. Her humor and honesty are charming and enlightening; I am so grateful to have read this book. We should all take a page from her book and live our lives to the fullest; we never know how much time we have left.
I wasn't sure what to expect when I first started reading, but the author's purpose quickly came to light. I was enchanted as she described the travels embarked upon during her earlier years - exotic places where she spent years researching local flora and fauna, living strong among local people in often less-than-desirable conditions. Here she is now, in her late 80s, and it seems that despite her years of wisdom and experience she is often overlooked and discounted, as is so common in American society. Every person of a certain age has a story to tell; life experiences to share, and yet they are often treated as children, or even worse - they are invisible. Elizabeth Marshall Thomas is not invisible, nor is she childlike, in my opinion. Reading her words made me acutely aware of this. Her humor and honesty are charming and enlightening; I am so grateful to have read this book. We should all take a page from her book and live our lives to the fullest; we never know how much time we have left.
February 19, 2024
Charming memoir from an aging writer with a light sprinkling of less personal information pertaining to aging. If you are looking for something comprehensive about aging this is not it. But this was a pleasant read from a likable perspective.
September 6, 2024
It was a little too stream-of-consciousness for my taste. I enjoyed reading about aging, growing old, and stories from the author’s life. It was darker than I expected and talked more about death than living at times, which I didn’t see coming, but in retrospect maybe should have. The book was a lot more analytical and matter-of-fact rather than emotional. It felt like reading more like a textbook than a memoir.
November 20, 2020
Even though this book is really just a collection of thoughts and reflections from an 89 year old, I found it to be incredibly insightful and full of wisdom. Also, I think Thomas’ background in anthropology really lends to the quality of this book compared to others like it. I would give five stars, but I found it to be a little slow in the beginning, and there were a few parts that seemed to meander away from the primary subject.
June 3, 2020
2.5 stars, generously rounded up.
Elizabeth Marshall Thomas is 87 when she writes this book. “We’re prejudiced against old age. Hopefully, this book will help with the prejudice. It mentions the rough parts of aging, but only to tell the whole story. So, it’s totally truthful, and it points out the good parts too.”
Generally, the book, like aging, is not that much fun, but occasionally Thomas surprises. “These days my favorite experience is going to bed.” Growing Old, the book, like growing old, (in life) can be a little rambling. She tells the reader that the “book has 3,593 commas, and each fulfills its mission.” (I personally did not care. At the end, she suggests the reader go back and reread – in case they missed some of those lovely punctuations.)
Marshall’s strict evangelical Nana did not help her faith development. She believes that God is a cruel invisible tyrant. She sees death as normal. “I know I’ll have an afterlife, if not a conscious one. My ashes will be mixed with those of my dogs and my family. Maybe some of our molecules will get into the seeds of a nearby plant.“ Even though she doesn’t believe in God, she believes in prayer, which ‘works for some reason.’ Not a whole lot of ‘something like grace’ here.
The tone of the book is chatty. “Now I should look at myself as if I was a thing. Am I doing as well as my woodstove? Probably not, although it seemed worth finding out, but when I did, I got discouraged.” I’ve always wished my grandmothers talked with me more. Now I’m not so sure. (Did you count the commas in the quotation?)
Bones are deteriorating, hearing is failing, hearing aids cost a lot, glaucoma causes problems. The author continues to smoke. The litany goes on and I search for the grace promised in the title.
Marshall talks about assisted living places and suggests that readers do the research before the time comes to go there. I wonder how this fits in the story arc. Another chapter goes into the merits of different methods of body disposal, including cannibalism, cremation and human composting. The high cost of funerals and the company of death doulas is also covered. This is Important end of life info. It just didn’t fit with the chatty musings on aging.
Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for providing an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.
Elizabeth leaves little capfuls of water out for the mice in her house. “Every morning I find it almost empty, surrounded by a few mouse droppings.”
Elizabeth Marshall Thomas is 87 when she writes this book. “We’re prejudiced against old age. Hopefully, this book will help with the prejudice. It mentions the rough parts of aging, but only to tell the whole story. So, it’s totally truthful, and it points out the good parts too.”
Generally, the book, like aging, is not that much fun, but occasionally Thomas surprises. “These days my favorite experience is going to bed.” Growing Old, the book, like growing old, (in life) can be a little rambling. She tells the reader that the “book has 3,593 commas, and each fulfills its mission.” (I personally did not care. At the end, she suggests the reader go back and reread – in case they missed some of those lovely punctuations.)
Marshall’s strict evangelical Nana did not help her faith development. She believes that God is a cruel invisible tyrant. She sees death as normal. “I know I’ll have an afterlife, if not a conscious one. My ashes will be mixed with those of my dogs and my family. Maybe some of our molecules will get into the seeds of a nearby plant.“ Even though she doesn’t believe in God, she believes in prayer, which ‘works for some reason.’ Not a whole lot of ‘something like grace’ here.
The tone of the book is chatty. “Now I should look at myself as if I was a thing. Am I doing as well as my woodstove? Probably not, although it seemed worth finding out, but when I did, I got discouraged.” I’ve always wished my grandmothers talked with me more. Now I’m not so sure. (Did you count the commas in the quotation?)
Bones are deteriorating, hearing is failing, hearing aids cost a lot, glaucoma causes problems. The author continues to smoke. The litany goes on and I search for the grace promised in the title.
Marshall talks about assisted living places and suggests that readers do the research before the time comes to go there. I wonder how this fits in the story arc. Another chapter goes into the merits of different methods of body disposal, including cannibalism, cremation and human composting. The high cost of funerals and the company of death doulas is also covered. This is Important end of life info. It just didn’t fit with the chatty musings on aging.
Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for providing an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.
Elizabeth leaves little capfuls of water out for the mice in her house. “Every morning I find it almost empty, surrounded by a few mouse droppings.”
December 10, 2019
This is not a self-help book. It's mostly memoir, a look back at all the things the author has survived to get to the impressive age of eighty-seven, with a tiny bit of investigative journalism on the conditions of nursing homes and the funeral industry. If you liked Caitlin Doughty's Smoke Gets In Your Eyes, this is the prelude, a plea to decide how you want to grow old before you're unable to decide for yourself. That said, the author doesn't always follow her own advice.
Elizabeth Marshall Thomas is a fascinating woman. I didn't realize when I requested an ARC that she is a bestselling author and anthropologist. If you're expecting a conservative book from a doddering old woman, this is not it. Our G Liz has escaped a lion attack. She tried to light a cigarette on her 80th birthday cake but her children wouldn't let her. She lost her husband only a few years ago. She has faced death and come out the other side wiser and a good bit more insecure, with macular degeneration and all the social indignities of growing older. I hope her children and grandchildren value her, spend quality time with her, and follow her wishes once she can't make decisions for herself.
This book is extremely readable and interesting. My only note is that I wish it were longer, and maybe included more research on how to age gracefully like it says on the tin. However, I would absolutely recommend this to young and aging people alike. As a society, we need to learn to see the elderly as people, and to plan for the eventual reality of growing old (if we're lucky.)
I eagerly await the author's book on commas, because I use them way too much for dramatic effect and I think she will only validate this.
I received a temporary ARC in return for an honest review. #Netgalley #GrowingOld
Elizabeth Marshall Thomas is a fascinating woman. I didn't realize when I requested an ARC that she is a bestselling author and anthropologist. If you're expecting a conservative book from a doddering old woman, this is not it. Our G Liz has escaped a lion attack. She tried to light a cigarette on her 80th birthday cake but her children wouldn't let her. She lost her husband only a few years ago. She has faced death and come out the other side wiser and a good bit more insecure, with macular degeneration and all the social indignities of growing older. I hope her children and grandchildren value her, spend quality time with her, and follow her wishes once she can't make decisions for herself.
This book is extremely readable and interesting. My only note is that I wish it were longer, and maybe included more research on how to age gracefully like it says on the tin. However, I would absolutely recommend this to young and aging people alike. As a society, we need to learn to see the elderly as people, and to plan for the eventual reality of growing old (if we're lucky.)
I eagerly await the author's book on commas, because I use them way too much for dramatic effect and I think she will only validate this.
I received a temporary ARC in return for an honest review. #Netgalley #GrowingOld
October 24, 2020
Pulled this to read from the library during Pandemic Times. I'm on the cusp of Old Age at 71 and wanted to see what wisdom EMT has to offer. Short chapters, often pithy observations, little terror or rage, and a willing acceptance of memory changes, hearing and seeing changes, living alone (though near family and friends), smoking, past lives and living, retirement life choices (if you have enough money), isolation and alienation, parallels to the natural world, death and funeral choices, remembering peaceful and non-competitive people and creatures and what we can learn from them, commas, and finding a place in death to be with those you love.
It's a neat little book that will lead me to to others EMT has written.
Still able to make choices? Then you ain't dead yet...
It's a neat little book that will lead me to to others EMT has written.
Still able to make choices? Then you ain't dead yet...
July 14, 2024
"If I'm about to die or if I'm dead when this book is published, I'm hoping the publisher will put THE AUTHOR DIED OF BAD HABITS in big red letters under my name on the cover."
The bad habit Elizabeth Marshall Thomas is referring to is cigarette smoking, which is a recurring topic to remind her (and us) that after all we are only human. And perhaps what really imparts grace upon us as we age is the ability to find acceptance and humor.
If you expect a 'how to' book you will be disappointed, although there are some gems, such as the contents of the letter addressed to her children and pinned to her kitchen wall in the event of her demise.
This book is like a conversation with a dear friend, sharing both sorrows and laughter, as she contemplates how she is navigating old age (the author is 88) and still thumbing her nose at convention. The picture on the dust jacket of the book is priceless.
I read this slim book in one sitting. Highly recommended.
The bad habit Elizabeth Marshall Thomas is referring to is cigarette smoking, which is a recurring topic to remind her (and us) that after all we are only human. And perhaps what really imparts grace upon us as we age is the ability to find acceptance and humor.
If you expect a 'how to' book you will be disappointed, although there are some gems, such as the contents of the letter addressed to her children and pinned to her kitchen wall in the event of her demise.
This book is like a conversation with a dear friend, sharing both sorrows and laughter, as she contemplates how she is navigating old age (the author is 88) and still thumbing her nose at convention. The picture on the dust jacket of the book is priceless.
I read this slim book in one sitting. Highly recommended.
February 21, 2021
I guess I was expecting something different from this book. When the subtitle is "notes on aging with something like grace" I expected maybe some ideas of how to do that. This is not that book. This is more of a book of how to die. Or what to do when you do die and how much aging just sucks. All the things you will lose when you get old; eyesight, hearing, friends, family, and the list just seemed to keep going. Out of the twenty chapters, only the last two have anything positive to say about aging. I'm not sure I'm happy I read the entire thing. This was probably one of the most depressing books I've read. Maybe ever. This was probably a 2 or maybe a 2.5 for me based on enjoyment and/or learning something new, but because it is a memoir-ish book, I rounded up to a 3. I hate giving these things a star rating anyway.
March 31, 2020
This book infuriated me. She sleeps on a cot with her 3 dogs & 2 cats?! C'mon. Why should we care? I felt like I was reading ramblings from my neighbor, There ARE extraordinary people in their 80's that I would rather hear from, such as elders working in the Peacecorps, athletes, musicians, artists. I didn't get it? I missed the point as to why I should read her memoir.
January 28, 2023
This book—written by the woman who wrote the Hidden Life of Dogs, and who lived with indigenous African tribes with her two little ones—is a delightful book. It is surprisingly written in her 87th year. So she knows of what she speaks.
I gave it 3 stars initially on my tough love scale, bc it I picked it up to gain some wisdom from an aged perspective. But I am too young I think for this book. It’s a better book for people who want to read it conversationally, and laugh, and muse.
It did give me some insight into my mother ~70. But I am not one to yet read and muse, and laugh at taking lightly these things.
But I think highly of the author. And the tone she strikes.
Her chapter 9 about relationships is where things begin to pick up strongly — the need for relations, how to wreck them, and keep them — her time in Africa with the San people, the fellow who had only one relation. And was left behind for the hayenas to eat. Literally. It was tragic and sad. It was understandable, how he came to have only one relation (he was disabled, could not hunt, so could not marry, so only was connected to his sister). But when she died, that was it for him, so far as the rest of his tribe thought.
Her daughter died young, the way she died was tragic (injured as a teen in a traffic accident). But she remembers the good that her daughter did anyway. Her daughter became one of the impetuses for the Americans with disability acts. Was invited to testify in Congress and to the White House.
Her other stories about relations are beautiful or telling.
Another thing that comes thru: old age is not for cowards. Do what you can now to improve resilience, finances, relations. It comes for us all.
In that vein, I had to up the score. There is a study that shows that people who think OF what they may look like when they are older, or who look at pre-aged pictures of themselves, take better care of themselves in these regards. Maybe that is the wisdom this book offers. An aged and winning octogenarian approaching nonegenarian writes with intelligence, good humor, and even vim (if not vigor) on her life, with more about what’s to come than what’s behind. And that helps us see ourselves hopefully at a similar age.
Her father—founder of Raytheon(?!)—gets dementia. So does her mother. “Here I write of dementia to show what is lost.” She writes not only of them, and others she lost, but of the adventures and community they shared. This is very moving. Because I can relate to the loss of one’s first family, as it was. And the loss of my first and maybe best community. I hope it is not the best, but it may be. And the author’s meditation on all this guides us thru it beautifully. . . I’m tempted to raise the rating yet again. Intriguingly, she writes of not living up to the characters that went before her. Even tho she seems to have had an echo of their lives. Her reflections on her husband, growing together into one, past the temptation of divorce, to his death, is also moving. In few words, she says so much, movingly. I was wrong in the beginning when I thought this would simply be a mild and amusing recollection and reflection.
In the chapter directly on death, she writes as an anthropologist who spent years living with then-uncontacted tribes. The author points out that those who bury their dead believe in spirits. Before that people were just left exposed apparently, as the San still did when she lived with them. What a surprising unifying idea, burial and afterlife turns out to be—despite the many protestations to the contrary.
The earliest known burial she recalls was a neanderthal about 130,000 years ago. Cremation began in the Mideast. Then was prohibited. Jews still do prohibit it. Romans did both, depending on class. Christians once did, then quit prohibiting it. The Catholics had banned it, until 1963.
This is somewhat concerning—the one thing one expects from Catholicism is steadiness on these sorts of things. But they went with the Protestant idea that God can raise what he wants. Burning cremation was feared and considered disgusting. But consider the alternative of rotting, food for worms. Rather than “ashes to ashes, dust to dust”. (See the American way of death book on the abuses of funeral homes, taking advantage of grieving people, vs the local cremation society for perhaps half the cost, she suggests.). She also talks about green burial. Birth doulas are known. But there are death doulas as well. Helping with the next transition, from life in the body, to expansive space. Sitting shiva, eg.
Hospice. Religious folks, she reports, can pass “easily” thinking of heaven (she is not conventionally religious). Those who have fulfilled their purpose, surrounded by those who love them, can also pass easily. But others don’t fair as well. A good reflection again.
I really like that she bought a beach with her money from the secret life of dogs. And then tried for two years to give it to her town, so everyone could use it. The town dithered with worries, until a man yelled out, “I want to swim!”, and the town accepted the beach.
You can see this book has grown on me in the telling. Perhaps when I am old, I will return to it. And its meditations. If so, it will rate 5 stars in my tough love rating system. But, it probably already is.
I gave it 3 stars initially on my tough love scale, bc it I picked it up to gain some wisdom from an aged perspective. But I am too young I think for this book. It’s a better book for people who want to read it conversationally, and laugh, and muse.
It did give me some insight into my mother ~70. But I am not one to yet read and muse, and laugh at taking lightly these things.
But I think highly of the author. And the tone she strikes.
Her chapter 9 about relationships is where things begin to pick up strongly — the need for relations, how to wreck them, and keep them — her time in Africa with the San people, the fellow who had only one relation. And was left behind for the hayenas to eat. Literally. It was tragic and sad. It was understandable, how he came to have only one relation (he was disabled, could not hunt, so could not marry, so only was connected to his sister). But when she died, that was it for him, so far as the rest of his tribe thought.
Her daughter died young, the way she died was tragic (injured as a teen in a traffic accident). But she remembers the good that her daughter did anyway. Her daughter became one of the impetuses for the Americans with disability acts. Was invited to testify in Congress and to the White House.
Her other stories about relations are beautiful or telling.
Another thing that comes thru: old age is not for cowards. Do what you can now to improve resilience, finances, relations. It comes for us all.
In that vein, I had to up the score. There is a study that shows that people who think OF what they may look like when they are older, or who look at pre-aged pictures of themselves, take better care of themselves in these regards. Maybe that is the wisdom this book offers. An aged and winning octogenarian approaching nonegenarian writes with intelligence, good humor, and even vim (if not vigor) on her life, with more about what’s to come than what’s behind. And that helps us see ourselves hopefully at a similar age.
Her father—founder of Raytheon(?!)—gets dementia. So does her mother. “Here I write of dementia to show what is lost.” She writes not only of them, and others she lost, but of the adventures and community they shared. This is very moving. Because I can relate to the loss of one’s first family, as it was. And the loss of my first and maybe best community. I hope it is not the best, but it may be. And the author’s meditation on all this guides us thru it beautifully. . . I’m tempted to raise the rating yet again. Intriguingly, she writes of not living up to the characters that went before her. Even tho she seems to have had an echo of their lives. Her reflections on her husband, growing together into one, past the temptation of divorce, to his death, is also moving. In few words, she says so much, movingly. I was wrong in the beginning when I thought this would simply be a mild and amusing recollection and reflection.
In the chapter directly on death, she writes as an anthropologist who spent years living with then-uncontacted tribes. The author points out that those who bury their dead believe in spirits. Before that people were just left exposed apparently, as the San still did when she lived with them. What a surprising unifying idea, burial and afterlife turns out to be—despite the many protestations to the contrary.
The earliest known burial she recalls was a neanderthal about 130,000 years ago. Cremation began in the Mideast. Then was prohibited. Jews still do prohibit it. Romans did both, depending on class. Christians once did, then quit prohibiting it. The Catholics had banned it, until 1963.
This is somewhat concerning—the one thing one expects from Catholicism is steadiness on these sorts of things. But they went with the Protestant idea that God can raise what he wants. Burning cremation was feared and considered disgusting. But consider the alternative of rotting, food for worms. Rather than “ashes to ashes, dust to dust”. (See the American way of death book on the abuses of funeral homes, taking advantage of grieving people, vs the local cremation society for perhaps half the cost, she suggests.). She also talks about green burial. Birth doulas are known. But there are death doulas as well. Helping with the next transition, from life in the body, to expansive space. Sitting shiva, eg.
Hospice. Religious folks, she reports, can pass “easily” thinking of heaven (she is not conventionally religious). Those who have fulfilled their purpose, surrounded by those who love them, can also pass easily. But others don’t fair as well. A good reflection again.
I really like that she bought a beach with her money from the secret life of dogs. And then tried for two years to give it to her town, so everyone could use it. The town dithered with worries, until a man yelled out, “I want to swim!”, and the town accepted the beach.
You can see this book has grown on me in the telling. Perhaps when I am old, I will return to it. And its meditations. If so, it will rate 5 stars in my tough love rating system. But, it probably already is.
January 26, 2020
Elizabeth Marshall Thomas has lived an extraordinary life. She has been a bestselling author of books about animal behavior and other cultures based upon her decades of personal observations and experiences from around the world. She has, in fact, been places and done things that the rest of us can only dream about. Thomas, though, is eighty-eight years old and that kind of adventure is forever behind her. These days, the author spends much of her time observing the human aging process in herself and those around her and figuring out how to make the best of the years she has left. Now, with Growing Old: Notes on Aging with Something Like Grace, she shares her observations and thoughts with the rest of us.
Perhaps because Thomas is only seventeen years older than me, and that I’ve been caring for my 97-year-old father for a decade now, relatively little of what she has to say here really surprises me. I suspect, though, that readers in their fourth and fifth decades will have an entirely different reaction to reading Growing Old. Too, those hoping to find religiously-based reasons for not fearing aging and death should note that they are not going to find them here. According to Thomas, “…by the time I was in my teens, I’d decided that if God does unacceptable things, he’s not like an employer whose job you can quit or a public official you can vote against. All you can do about a cruel invisible tyrant is to believe he doesn’t exist.” She goes on to say, “So I decided there wasn’t a hell, and death seemed a little less horrible.”
Growing Old includes chapters on how quickly time seems to pass for elderly people; on reasons not to fear death; on how deteriorating eyesight can directly lead to hearing loss and dementia; on the “cultural problems” associated with old age; on how too many doctors really feel about the elderly; and on how having friends will keep you alive, among other topics. And then there are the practical chapters covering topics such as senior living communities, medications, funeral homes and cemeteries, and the like. All of this will be invaluable information for those who are themselves approaching old age or whose parents are already there.
But there are also takeaways for near-contemporaries of the author, cheerful little pep talks like the following paragraph:
“Thus life while aging can be wonderful. It’s just wonderful in a different way than it was when you were young. For instance, you’re smarter than the younger people, but not because your brain functions better. Your brain was at its peak when you were thirty, and now that you’re old, you forget people’s names and lose things. But you understand the world around you more deeply and clearly. You excel at interpreting your surroundings because of all you’ve learned.”
And, finally, there’s this thought:
“Not only can you adjust to aging; you can sometimes do the things you did when you were young. You just do them with a little more equipment and in different ways, which seems easy enough, especially if age has made you smarter and more thoughtful.”
Bottom Line: Sometimes deadly serious, sometimes funny, Growing Old is part memoir, part handbook on the whole aging process. While it does not break much new ground, it does offer useful insights into growing old for the uninitiated. It could be especially useful, I think, for those trying to deal with and understand their elderly parents. Next up for Thomas is a book on commas, how to use them correctly and why she loves them so much. I can’t wait. (Seriously.)
Perhaps because Thomas is only seventeen years older than me, and that I’ve been caring for my 97-year-old father for a decade now, relatively little of what she has to say here really surprises me. I suspect, though, that readers in their fourth and fifth decades will have an entirely different reaction to reading Growing Old. Too, those hoping to find religiously-based reasons for not fearing aging and death should note that they are not going to find them here. According to Thomas, “…by the time I was in my teens, I’d decided that if God does unacceptable things, he’s not like an employer whose job you can quit or a public official you can vote against. All you can do about a cruel invisible tyrant is to believe he doesn’t exist.” She goes on to say, “So I decided there wasn’t a hell, and death seemed a little less horrible.”
Growing Old includes chapters on how quickly time seems to pass for elderly people; on reasons not to fear death; on how deteriorating eyesight can directly lead to hearing loss and dementia; on the “cultural problems” associated with old age; on how too many doctors really feel about the elderly; and on how having friends will keep you alive, among other topics. And then there are the practical chapters covering topics such as senior living communities, medications, funeral homes and cemeteries, and the like. All of this will be invaluable information for those who are themselves approaching old age or whose parents are already there.
But there are also takeaways for near-contemporaries of the author, cheerful little pep talks like the following paragraph:
“Thus life while aging can be wonderful. It’s just wonderful in a different way than it was when you were young. For instance, you’re smarter than the younger people, but not because your brain functions better. Your brain was at its peak when you were thirty, and now that you’re old, you forget people’s names and lose things. But you understand the world around you more deeply and clearly. You excel at interpreting your surroundings because of all you’ve learned.”
And, finally, there’s this thought:
“Not only can you adjust to aging; you can sometimes do the things you did when you were young. You just do them with a little more equipment and in different ways, which seems easy enough, especially if age has made you smarter and more thoughtful.”
Bottom Line: Sometimes deadly serious, sometimes funny, Growing Old is part memoir, part handbook on the whole aging process. While it does not break much new ground, it does offer useful insights into growing old for the uninitiated. It could be especially useful, I think, for those trying to deal with and understand their elderly parents. Next up for Thomas is a book on commas, how to use them correctly and why she loves them so much. I can’t wait. (Seriously.)
May 18, 2021
This is a book on what aging feels like and how the elderly are viewed, written by a 87-year-old grandma. As someone on the cusp of middle age, I found this book insightful on what it’s like to be old. It is an enjoyable, easy read, and it felt like a visit with the author, a leisurely chat over tea, with little pearls of wisdom, insight from a life long-lived, and bits of practical advice, dropped about a meandering, pleasant conversation.
Points of interest:
• hospice vs. hospital care (she votes for staying at home;)
• funerals and cremation (shop around for this stuff earlier rather than later, because no one is in a state to bargain hunt.)
• pros and cons of retirement communities (can be expensive, but often not more so than the upkeep of a house. Plus you get immediate medical attention, and live with a community of people in same situation.)
• get a hearing aid as soon as needed (your ears are connected to cells in your brain that remember sound; when you lose hearing, you lose these cells that recorded/remembered particular sounds, and so you don’t hear those things anymore.)
• aging can be lonely, so it’s important to cultivate relationships for this time in your life.
• How old people in public spaces are generally treated as if they are invisible
• On the loss of a pet: losing a loved one leaves an ache, but losing a pet can be like losing a hand—that constant presence that is integrated so much you’re your day, and suddenly gone, like losing a piece of yourself. “You belong to each other. You both feel loved. You both feel peaceful. You are the most important mortals in each other’s lives…. The loss of a much-loved person leaves a deep wound in your heart, an empty space in your life that you’ll never fill again, but you go on as before. The usual responsibilities surround you, so you don’t have a choice. But if your hand is cut off, you can’t go on as before. You need your hand in a way you don’t need another person. Its absence dominates your life because you miss it constantly, continuously, every minute, all the time.”
Other insightful quotes:
• “Our conscious minds want us to look younger or more handsome or more beautiful. But why is this better than looking old? Because fear of death is always with us, hiding inside us, not making us cowardly, just making us sensible. “
• “What’s interesting to me, if not comfortable, is that although my childhood memories are relatively neutral, my midlife memories tend to be sad or even tragic.”
Points of interest:
• hospice vs. hospital care (she votes for staying at home;)
• funerals and cremation (shop around for this stuff earlier rather than later, because no one is in a state to bargain hunt.)
• pros and cons of retirement communities (can be expensive, but often not more so than the upkeep of a house. Plus you get immediate medical attention, and live with a community of people in same situation.)
• get a hearing aid as soon as needed (your ears are connected to cells in your brain that remember sound; when you lose hearing, you lose these cells that recorded/remembered particular sounds, and so you don’t hear those things anymore.)
• aging can be lonely, so it’s important to cultivate relationships for this time in your life.
• How old people in public spaces are generally treated as if they are invisible
• On the loss of a pet: losing a loved one leaves an ache, but losing a pet can be like losing a hand—that constant presence that is integrated so much you’re your day, and suddenly gone, like losing a piece of yourself. “You belong to each other. You both feel loved. You both feel peaceful. You are the most important mortals in each other’s lives…. The loss of a much-loved person leaves a deep wound in your heart, an empty space in your life that you’ll never fill again, but you go on as before. The usual responsibilities surround you, so you don’t have a choice. But if your hand is cut off, you can’t go on as before. You need your hand in a way you don’t need another person. Its absence dominates your life because you miss it constantly, continuously, every minute, all the time.”
Other insightful quotes:
• “Our conscious minds want us to look younger or more handsome or more beautiful. But why is this better than looking old? Because fear of death is always with us, hiding inside us, not making us cowardly, just making us sensible. “
• “What’s interesting to me, if not comfortable, is that although my childhood memories are relatively neutral, my midlife memories tend to be sad or even tragic.”
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