There’s only so many books that significantly change the way you see and interact with the world, the people around you, and yourself all at the same There’s only so many books that significantly change the way you see and interact with the world, the people around you, and yourself all at the same time — and this is one of them. ...more
I really think this book should be required reading; Murthy explains why we yearn, crave, and need companionship and connection with others to be contI really think this book should be required reading; Murthy explains why we yearn, crave, and need companionship and connection with others to be content and happy, and it is especially relevant now amidst the pandemic. Loneliness is something I struggled with for multiple periods in my life, and continue to struggle with still, and Murthy articulates a lot of the feelings I felt during those dark moments. His scientific and evolutionary-based explanations of why social connection is essential to our lives were illuminating, and I found myself highlighting and nodding along nearly every page of the book.
Some of the biggest points I took away from the book:
- "Human relationship is as essential to our well-being as food and water -- just a hunger and thirst are our body's ways of telling us we need to eat and drink, loneliness is a natural signal that reminds us when we need to connect with other people" -- humans have survived not because we have physical advantages, but because we connect in social groups (ex: coordinate actions, share information). We are wired to want and need companionship (why our bodies relax, why we feel less stressed when we feel loved by others, and connect with genuine friends, and Murthy explains the brain/neurological stuff too but it's better when he explains it!)
- The feeling of belonging, of togetherness, and genuine connection is key to feeling content: to be loved is to be known, to be loved for who you are, and to share common ground, interests, and values with others who truly care about you. (this might be the most important priority in life, contrary to what modern society tells us to value - success, status, wealth, achievement, and fame -- none of which guarantees us happiness). Our greatest moments of joy involve other people, and our saddest moments often involves losing other people.
- Loneliness is the feeling that you're lacking the social connections you need, the longing for someone with who you can share a quality emotional connection and affection; it's like being stranded, abandoned, isolated -- when we are lonely we long to escape its emotional pain. (whereas solitude is a state of peaceful and voluntary aloneness, where we can connect with ourselves without distraction or disturbance, to reflect and replenish)
- Loneliness can spiral into a vicious, self-destructive prophecy: we naturally tend to withdraw when we feel lonely and see others having fun with each other because we fear being labelled and judged as social outcasts. With lowered self-esteem and insecurities, we hide our true feelings from those who may try to connect with us, and we get discouraged from reaching out for help. We might be afraid and unwilling to admit to others that we're lonely. if we were hurt by rejection in the past, our first response is caution, which may appear to others as standoffishness or even arrogance, and people naturally friendly and intend to connect with you might back away from you as a result. Because we've been hurt in the past, our threat perception shifts and causes us to misread harmless or even welcoming people as threats, and intensifies the feelings of suspicion, jealousy, and resentment. We judge quickly and assume the worst about people. [in the process, we can start to undervalue ourselves and our self-worth)
^ we should learn to treat ourselves with kindness, encouragement, and honesty - to reclaim our sense of worth and purpose and know that we are worthy of love. (this is hard to do -- to see yourself as independently worthy)
- Loneliness can lead one to descend into depression; depression can cause loneliness, they can overlap but they are not always necessarily connected and are distinct experiences. Someone whose loneliness becomes profound can become depressed.
- Being emotionally/socially isolated for a long time might lead us to think that 'it's our fault' that we are bad at making friends, or that we are lonely because we are unlikable -- but this isn't true (!). Being chronically lonely colours your mindset to lead you to think that you are to blame, but the reasons are actually often out of your control (ex: moving away to college and being alone for the first time, moving to a new country and immersing a different culture as a child)
- Loneliness is felt when 'our social experience fails to meet our social expectations' - and this is often worsened with social media when we see others' best days compared to our average ones. When we compare our possessions, accomplishments – and friends – with a false ideal of the 'perfect' ones we see in pop culture/social media, it can deter us from commitment. "the endless chase for the ideal companion is bound to leave us anxious and lonely".
- traditional societies grants closer social connections at the price of intense conformity (emphasizes the group/collective over the individual -- leading to the ostracization and exile of those who deviate from cultural expectations), while modern societies offer individual freedoms for us to choose our own paths, but doesn't unify or unite us together (emphasizes individual > group, it can be hard to find companions to create common ground with)
- intentional kindness bridges the divide between individuals and can unite us together, and commitments to talk and keep people in our lives are key. helping others reduces our stress and actually increases our sense of well-being --> it is a strong antidote to the pain of loneliness and disconnection.
- men are less likely to admit that they're lonely; often they'll rather suffer in silence as they are taught to embody the 'masculine' ideal of stoicism and strength (as opposed to vulnerability), and generally have fewer approved channels to express their emotions. One of the few emotions men are allowed to express is anger because it elicits displays of power and toughness.
- while technology has made it more efficient or us to communicate with each other, it often shortcuts and distracts us from sharing intimate, meaningful and quality connections and conversations with each other. social media can distort our sense of the value of actual contact with friends (it's easy to shoot a quick text, scroll through our feed and feel like we are keeping up with our friends). we often use it to emotionally escape and spend hours on the internet to avoid asking the hard questions and avoid sadness and disappointment, but ultimately leads us to loneliness.
- authenticity help builds strong connections, but to be real is to be vulnerable, and it takes courage (especially if we believe others will like us more if we hide or pretend to be something that we're not)
- reciprocity is the key to healthy friendships -- it has to go both ways (listening, talking, sharing, supporting, actually care). friendship creates a positive feedback loop, it tells us we are worthy of love as we give our love to others.
- our inner circles of friends and our middle/outer circles are not fixed -- many friendships naturally migrate over time. The less time we physically spend with friends (face-to-face), the more likely they are to slip into our outer cycles. We need to make a conscious effort to stay connected with those we love.
- humor creates a powerful bond between people who all find the same thing funny; it's a form of common ground + small micromoments/interactions (when you ask how someone's doing, when you bring them a cup to someone who is working late, these small brief exchanges can be powerful)
Things I will try to consciously implement in my day-to-day life: 1. Spend time every day with those I love (my family, my friends) and try to spend at least 15min hearing their voice or having face-to-face interaction. 2. Give my full attention and focus (really stay away from distractions/multi-tasking) when I am with others. 3. Service -- acts of kindness, helping (and being helped) enriches and reminds us of our value and purpose in life.
(be a better leader and interact more with friends at work, make an effort to create a social bond even in a work environment)...more
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