Legalese Quotes

“If my opinion runs more than twenty pages,” she said, “I am disturbed that I couldn’t do it shorter.” The mantra in her chambers is “Get it right and keep it tight.” She disdains legal Latin, and demands extra clarity in an opinion’s opening lines, which she hopes the public will understand. “If you can say it in plain English, you should,” RBG says. Going through “innumerable drafts,” the goal is to write an opinion where no sentence should need to be read twice. “I think that law should be a literary profession,” RBG says, “and the best legal practitioners regard law as an art as well as a craft.”
― Irin Carmon, Notorious RBG: The Life and Times of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

“The fundamental basis by which the court’s decision might be made is, in itself, imperfect and subject to contradictions. There is very little consideration given to a priori knowledge regarding the circumstances being presented and as a result, arguments must be made empirically, under the assumption that assumptions themselves are, in fact, likely to give way to specious reasoning...Decisions must be made meticulously and according to specific, yet immeasurable criteria that can only be further manipulated by any cunning lawyer with the ability to make emotional pleas based on a requisite amount of inconsequential evidence to affect a decision beneficial to his clients. And so, in this respect, the law is capable of proving nothing except that its absurd attention to detail is really a kind of a façade meant to cover up the fact that a truly logical and just way to deal with such matters has not yet been devised. And the absence of adequate definition to its principles has given way to a kind of apathy among the men employed by the courts, who want nothing more now than to make a living for themselves and their families and not work themselves into too much of a frenzy about how little can be changed through their own initiative. Thus things aren’t likely to.”
― Ashim Shanker, Don't Forget to Breathe

“Genie: Okay, fine. So what are your three wishes?

Marco: Only three? In the stories I heard, the genies granted unlimited wishes.

Genie: Ah, not again. Well, let me clarify this for you. I only provide the “Limited to three wishes” plan, also called the “Classic package”. There were certain gold and platinum plans offered in the past, which granted infinite wishes and where the genie practically stayed with the lamp-finder all their life. But those plans were discontinued around 2,300 years back.”
― Varun Sayal, Time Crawlers

“How many words are you having trouble with, sir?"

"Just the ones that I've highlighted."

"I count at least a dozen, and I haven't gotten out of the first paragraph."

"That's as far as I got, too. I'm not sure you and I speak the same language.”
― Howard Tayler, Emperor Pius Dei

“The said Ivan Dovgochkun, son of Nikifor, when I went to him with a friendly proposition, called me publicly by an epithet insulting and injurious to my honor, namely, a goose, whereas it is known to the whole district of Mirgorod, that I never was named after that disgusting animal, and have no intention of ever being named after it. And the proof of my noble extraction is, that, in the baptismal register to be found in the Church of the Three Bishops, the day of my birth, and likewise the fact of my baptism, are inscribed. But a goose, as is well known to every one who has any knowledge of science, cannot be inscribed in the baptismal register; for a goose is not a man, but a fowl: which, likewise, is sufficiently well known, even to persons who have not been to a seminary. But the evil-minded nobleman, being privy to all these facts, for no other purpose than to offer a deadly insult to my rank and calling, affronted me with the aforesaid foul word.”
― Nicolai Gogol, The Overcoat and Other Works by Nicolai Gogol

“Whereas, it is hereby decreed to all felines of the Middle Kingdom: They are enjoined to observe every provision of the judicial codes unless such provisions aforesaid have been abrogated heretofore, though any abrogation is liable to reinstatement at any time whatever and shall be effective retroactively without recourse on behalf of said felines whether or not said felines are presently or will be engaged in litigation. This decree is not susceptible to appeal.”
― Lloyd Alexander, Dream-of-Jade: The Emperor's Cat

“Simply remembering that corporations were invented should alone empower us to reinvent them to our liking.”
― Douglas Rushkoff, Team Human

“The words of law often look like words of the language you speak, but when they are legal terms, they are not.”
― David Bellos, Is That a Fish in Your Ear? Translation and the Meaning of Everything

“The law gave me an entirely new vocabulary, a language that non-lawyers derisively referred to as "legalese." Unlike the basic building blocks- the day-to-day words- that got me from the subway to the office and back, the words of my legal vocabulary, more often than not, triggered flavors that I had experienced after leaving Boiling Springs, flavors that I had chosen for myself, derived from foods that were never contained within the boxes and the cans of DeAnne's kitchen.
Subpoenakiwifruit.
InjunctionCamembert.
Infringementlobster.
Jurisdictionfreshgreenbeans.
Appellantsourdoughbread.
ArbitrationGuinness.
Unconstitutionalasparagus.
ExculpatoryNutella.
I could go on and on, and I did.
Every day I was paid an astonishing amount of money to shuffle these words around on paper and, better yet, to say them aloud. At my yearly reviews, the partners I worked for commented that they had never seen a young lawyer so visibly invigorated by her work. One of the many reasons I was on track to make partner, I thought.
There were, of course, the rare and disconnecting exceptions. Some legal words reached back to the Dark Ages of my childhood and to the stunted diet that informed my earlier words. "Mitigating," for example, brought with it the unmistakable taste of elementary school cafeteria pizzas: rectangles of frozen dough topped with a ketchup-like sauce, the hard crumbled meat of some unidentifiable animal, and grated "cheese" that didn't melt when heated but instead retained the pattern of a badly crocheted coverlet. I had actually looked forward to the days when these rectangles were on the lunch menu, slapped onto my tray by the lunch ladies in hairnets and comfortable shoes. Those pizzas (even the word itself was pure exuberance with the two z's and the sound of satisfaction at the end... ah!) were evocative of some greater, more interesting locale, though how and where none of us at Boiling Springs Elementary circa 1975 were quite sure. We all knew what hamburgers and hot dogs were supposed to look and taste like, and we knew that the school cafeteria served us a second-rate version of these foods. Few of us students knew what a pizza was supposed to be. Kelly claimed that it was usually very big and round in shape, but both of these characteristics seemed highly improbable to me. By the time we were in middle school, a Pizza Inn had opened up along the feeder road to I-85. The Pizza Inn may or may not have been the first national chain of pizzerias to offer a weekly all-you-can-eat buffet. To the folks of the greater Boiling Springs-Shelby area, this was an idea that would expand their waistlines, if not their horizons. A Sizzler would later open next to the Pizza Inn (feeder road took on a new connotation), and it would offer the Holy Grail of all-you-can-eat buffets: steaks, baked potatoes, and, for the ladies, a salad bar complete with exotic fixings such as canned chickpeas and a tangle of slightly bruised alfalfa sprouts.
Along with "mitigating," these were some of the other legal words that also transported me back in time:
Egressredvelvetcake.
PerpetuityFrenchsaladdressing.
Compensatoryboiledpeanuts.
ProbateReese'speanutbuttercup.
FiduciaryCheerwine.
AmortizationOreocookie.”
― Monique Truong, Bitter in the Mouth

“We are the only commercial dimensional travel provider who has never been convicted of a major dimensional legal code violation(see disclaimer 3)…disclaimer 3 frugal wizarding incorporated(registered trademark) has never been convicted of a major dimensional legal code violation in Canada.”
― Brandon Sanderson