George Carlin Quotes

“He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”
― George Carlin

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
― George Carlin

“Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”
― George Carlin

“Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.”
― George Carlin

“You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get past around a minute, minute-and-a-half, I gotta get the f*** outta there.”
― George Carlin, It's Bad for Ya

“There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.”
― George Carlin

“Why should I have to hide the fact that I don't believe there’s a supreme being? There’s no proof of it. There’s no harm in saying you’re an atheist. It doesn't mean you treat people any differently. I live by the Golden Rule to do unto others, as you'd want to be treated.

I just simply don't believe in religion, and I don’t believe necessarily that there’s a supreme being that watches over all of us. I follow the teachings of George Carlin. George said he worshipped the sun. He was a fellow atheist. I’m in good company … Albert Einstein, Mark Twain, Charles Darwin. It’s not like I’m not with good company and intelligent people. There have been some good, intelligent atheists who have lived in the world.”
― Jesse Ventura

“I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!”
― George Carlin

“Most of these quotations on Goodreads are shit I never said. That's because idiots submit them, and Goodreads never checks their authenticity.”
― George Carlin, FM & AM

“Personally I would never want to be a member of any group where you either have to wear a hat, or you can't wear a hat."”
― George Carlin

“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts...”
― George Carlin

“The seven words George Carlin said you couldn’t say on TV or radio (“fuck,” “piss,” “shit,” “cunt,” “motherfucker,” “cocksucker,” and “tits”).”
― Mary Norris, Between You & Me: Confessions of a Comma Queen