Things we learned while watching Morbius

So we just finished watching Morbius — the new Jared Leto vampire movie that's battier than The Batman — and have many questions. While the movie doesn't actually answer most of them (how does faux blood that looks like blue Slurpee save "more lives than penicillin"?), here are some key takeaways.

Morbius Gotham > The Batman Gotham

Yes, both films' versions of New York City are dark and gritty and have just one female character with a significant speaking part each, but we'd rather live in Morbius Gotham. Why? The subway. Morbius' Front Street stop is well lit and clean, and the A train is so fast, Leto harnesses its speed as he flies through a rat-free tunnel. (This writer lived in New York for 19 years and has never once seen the A train operate in that manner.) Meanwhile, The Batman's grimy subway stop is so dark, even Robert Pattinson can't tell which thug he's pummeling.

Matt Smith is having a grand old time

As Morbius' best friend, Milo (his actual name is Lucien, but in a flashback scene young Morbius dubs him "Milo," which inexplicably becomes his name for life), Matt Smith is a posh, impertinent party boy in New Balance sneakers. After he injects himself with Morbius' bat serum and transforms from sweatered and sickly to bare-chested and buff, he swans his way through Gotham, leering, dancing, and believing women in bars are charmed when he says things like, "Tequila to remember, whiskey to forget." (Bonus: A prison warden addresses him as "Your Highness" at one point in the movie, a cheeky nod to his role on The Crown.)

Hotness conquers all (logic)

Morbius and Milo leave dozens of bloodless bodies in their wake as they tear through New York, yet when Morbius is forced to partake of his gorgeous colleague and love interest Martine (Adria Arjona), she is somehow the only victim to not just survive the attack, but (spoiler alert!) go full vamp herself.

Dr. Nikols is fascinating

Prequel for Dr. Nikols, stat! As Morbius and Milo's kindly caretaker, Dr. Nikols (Jared Harris) not only recognizes young Morbius' genius when he repairs medical equipment with a spring from a clicky pen, but also manages to keep a straight face when encountering Milo's endless parade of bizarre knitwear. But what we really want to know is: Where is Dr. Nikols headed as he strolls through the streets of Greece with a baguette? Why is he even in Greece? What rich inner life pulses beneath those tweedy separates? Forget Morbius and Milo — this is the backstory we need.

Morbius is in theaters now.

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