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Reviews
Praying for Armageddon (2023)
Undisturbing and Irrelevant
An influential movement of Christian fundamentalists in the US, who with millions of dollars in backing and threads into the government are fighting for the end of the world.
Sure. If you want to make a conspiracy theory movie filled with one-sided unproven sound bites. The entire premise of this poorly made film is quite plainly silly.
The movie is filled with lies as well. For example, saying that out of all donations in USA more than 80% end up in the hands of religious groups is patently false by all real accounts. According to philanthropy Roundtable, 39% of donations in the US and 28% worldwide (Source: Balancing Everything) go to religious organizations.
When you find that stats are being pulled out of thin air, can you trust anything his bad documentary says?
The movie is like a conspiracy theory youtube video. Pass on by.
The Illustrated Man (1969)
Second Viewing Thoughts
I saw this in the movie theatre when I was a very young kid. I remember sitting in the balcony (yep, they still had balconies back then and only one movie per building!). I also remember being thoroughly bored throughout the entire movie.
Over the years, this movie would present itself in various forms -- on commercial TV, cable, etc. But my memory of how much I disliked it always kept me from viewing it again.
Well one weekend over the Summer I had the opportunity to screen this again. So many decades have passed that I thought I would give it a try and see if it lived DOWN to my memories.
Well first of all, whether you like or dislike the film, Rod Stieger was a great actor. Great in a way we don't have great actors anymore. He's fascinating to watch.
This movie, on the other hand, while not exactly boring, is mediocre at best.
Tortured (2008)
Really Worse than Other Reviewers Say
Two notorious convicts, Quaid and Kurk, have escaped prison and are trying to flee the country. To ensure their safety they abduct an innocent attractive woman and use her as a hostage to protect themselves from the police. Quaid has hidden motives for the abduction and Kurk don't like what he sees, leading to a deadly game of cat-and-mouse full of jealously, deceit, lust and murder.
The only reason I watched this is because it came with the original title, "Tortured." Had it been displayed with the new title "Escaped Convicts" I would have moved along.
This movie is so bad on every level. There is nothing on Earth I can think of to recommend it.
The Institute (2022)
A Negative Ten
Holy Moses! This is one bad movie. The Writer/Director/Star/Everything-man has zero talent and needs to get out of the business.
The writing is horrible. I mean the script is so poor it's on welfare. You won't see such horrible acting even in a Troma movie.
And the directing is so poor you'll be bored out of your mind before 15 minutes go by.
Honestly, I waited this out to see if there was any good nudity. There isn't. The sex scene is as boring as the film. Who's a thunk it?
Oh, and I didn't mention the musical score. It sucks too. The most annoying tracks you'll ever hear. This is just a really bad movie you will want to miss.
Transformer (2017)
Why Do All These BAD Movies Get High Scores?
OMG another boring identity documentary that seems to fill a need that doesn't exist. Like all the endless number of others, this movie is very poorly made with a shoestring budget that will drive you nuts.
It's filled with.....well.....tons of filler because there isn't enough meat in the story to fill 90 minutes. This is basically a 30 second spot on the local news built out into a feature film that will put you to sleep quicker than watching paint dry.
There are tons of great documentaries, and this isn't one of them, by any standard. So we are left to wonder why the rave reviews from so many people? And why are those great reviews always so prevalent among certain types of movies, no matter how bad they are?
The Killer (2023)
Looks Good; Plays Bad
Hired killer finally makes a mistake. Had he bad it earlier we would not have had to sit through this garbage.
If the incessant, boring, poorly written, even more poorly delivered, dialog doesn't put you to sleep, the overly slow boring direction will.
It's like wringing out a wet towel after it's already been wrung out. It's not productive!
And neither is this horrible movie. I have to say that I was bored out of my mind. Oddly, the main titles go by very quickly to the point that you can barely read them and then the movie slows to a molasses you will never want to be involved in.
Keep moving.
Transsexual Stories (2015)
Where are the M2F Transitions?
Filmed over the course of a year, this doc features five trans women at various stages of transition, from hormone therapy to a sex change operation.
It's an odd, but thoroughly predictable, documentary, regarding the trials and tribulations of dudes becoming dudettes. Predicable because you know this will be a totally sympathetic dissertation on the subject.
The odd part is the documentarians opted to show only people in middle age changing gender. I don't think there was one in the five under the age of 50!
It's sort of peculiar that at that age you're thinking about making such a drastic change. I would have preferred a younger group, or at the very least, a smattering of different ages. Additionally, there were no male to female individuals, which would have been an interesting perspective.
As it stands, it's actually a pretty vanilla and boring documentary.
Vegas in Space (1991)
A Lost Brain Cells
Similar to Charles Ludlam's plays put on in the Village, NYC but without the cheeky humor.
A bunch of drag queens fly to another planet. The overly gaudy over the top setting and costumes set the stage for a bawdy romp that never happens.
For some reason, Ludlam knew how to construct a tongue in cheek story. These folks involved in this one, didn't.
It comes across as a thoroughly amateurish production filled with really bad actors who read their lines like wet fish.
The dialog never becomes pithy, intelligent or funny. It's just bland and dumb. You can say it's intentionally bad, and that's probably true but it takes talent to make an intentionally bad movie and these folks have none.
Violent Midnight (1963)
Oddity with Future "Stars"
First of all, this is NOT a "horror" movie. It's a pretty straightforward drama about a killer and the various suspects.
It's a very watchable movie, especially since there is an odd abundance of nudity without this being one of those 60's nudity cuties movies.
It also has some soon to be more famous people. Dick Van Patten, James Farentino, and a young Sylvia Miles who went on to make some mainstream flicks and later, an Andy Warhol movie. I saw her on the street of Manhattan years ago and struck up a conversation. She was real kookie.
So the flick is very watchable, if shmaltzy. It's a better than average low budget movie in this type of genre.
Everything You Know Is Wrong: The Declassified Firesign Theatre (2017)
What Did I Just Watch?
I'm pretty sure the Firesign Theatre was an improvisational comedy troupe back in the 60's. Maybe the 70's.
That's pretty much why I turned this one on. But I have no idea what I watched. Unsure if it's stuff from the 70's or if it's new since the copyright is 2017.
In any case, it stinks. It's really a bad stinker. It almost appears that this is just an L. P. recording that was turned into a movie. And it's just not funny.
There are lines like the South won the war, your dog is from outer space. I mean, does any of this sound funny? It's downright dumb.
I was thoroughly bored out ofmy mind. And no nudity to help you continue watching!
Ballad in Blood (2016)
Not Worth Your Time
It's the day after Halloween. Jacopo and Duke wake up in the apartment of two girls: Lenka and Elizabeth. The dawn of that new day brings with it a big problem: Elizabeth died. But there's more, because none of the three remember what happened that night.
And you won't care because this is one of the worst movies ever made. You have to wonder who greenlit this garbage and who hired the "talent." That word is used very loosely in that there is no talent within 60 miles of the sets.
The acting is atrocious. This is so unprofessional I again have to ask, who thought this was a good idea and who paid to make it?
Dr. Caligari (1989)
Over-Hyped
Mrs. Van Houten has shown signs of losing touch with reality, and her husband discusses possible treatment with Dr. Caligari, who says Mrs. Van Houten has a disease of the libido.
The staff want Dr. Caligari removed from their facility due to her controversial experiments with electroshock and hypothalamus injections.
As Dr. Caligari continues experimenting with her patients, her daughter and son-in-law attempt to stop her.
It's sort of a mish mash of dumb. Rather incoherent exposition that puts creative sets and costumes above plot and acting.
It makes for a surreal flick that never quite takes off.
Trap (2024)
Hands Down, HORRIBLE
In M. Night Shyamalan's latest outing, everyone in a large city is in a frenzy because they're up and ready to watch a concert performed by his daughter, who can't act. Amongst the screams of adoration and sounds of applause, the concert itself has a hidden identity: a front to fish out an infamous serial killer known as The Butcher. And apparently, to put you to sleep.
By far, this is the worst M. Knight movie yet. It's a complete train wreck that seems to have been made to highlight his untalented kid. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of his movies but tis one is a complete miss.
The plot is idiotic and so full of holes it should have been titled "Swiss Cheese." One turn after another you'll be saying "who wrote this drivel"
What a disappointment.
Mind Body Spirit (2023)
A Better Actress Might Have Pulled It Off
An aspiring yoga influencer embarks on a ritual practice left behind by her estranged grandmother.
The woman is in the middle of a taping when she discovers a secret room behind a bookcase. Suddenly she overacts and is out of breath, which was very, very annoying. It didn't fit the scene at all.
Then we are forced to sit through more boring yoga and a boring meditation. The basic problem is the movie is poorly acted and even more poorly realized by the director who has no clue how to maintain tension -- or for that matter even create tension.
You just get one boring scene after another. As the yoga disappears and the woman just recites one speech after another, over and over.
It becomes dreadfully boring and very little really happens. It's all smoke and mirrors.
The Center of the World (2001)
Boring And Even More Boriing
A couple checks into a suite in Las Vegas. In flashbacks we see that he's a computer whiz on the verge of becoming a dot.com millionaire, she's a lap dancer at a club. He wants a connection, so he offers her $10,000 to spend three nights with him in Vegas, and she accepts with conditions. During the days in Vegas, they get to know each other, have fun, meet a friend of hers; at night, at least after the first night, things seem to get complicated. Can it be about more than money?
Horribly boring outing. Sorry, but it's true. I was bored out of my mind with the ridiculously slow exposition and the thoroughly bad acting and of course, the silly plot that no one would believe.
Kid Millions (1934)
The Minstrel Man
A musical comedy about a Brooklyn boy (Eddie Cantor) who inherits a fortune from his archaeologist father but must go to Egypt to claim it.
He's on a ship headed for Africa. Ethel Merman tags along for the singing parts.
So does Ann Southern who later had her own sitcom on television.
It's a big production that made a lot of money. Some Little Rascals make a surprise appearance at the beginning. Loan out from Hal Roach?
The musical numbers are good. Eddie Cantor even does his black face Minstrel Man routine. So weird. But what's weirder is that his uncle and mother are older than Eddie and no one says anything.
Longlegs (2024)
Way Overrated and the Ending Ruins it
Lordie, this was hyped up the yahoo as some "queer" oriented movie. Only it's not in the least. Unless you mean by "queer," anti-religion.
So, let's be honest and stop censoring free speech.
The movie does not live up to it's hype. And relies on a bias for its ultimate ending.
Here are the PROS and CONS
Pros
- low budget but it does an OK job
Cons The lead actress can't act
I like Cage, but in this case, he's a weak link. They should have gotten and unknown to do it better. As usual, he overacts, but this role requires subtlety.
The first 3/4's of the movie are reasonably good, but then it gets really dumb. The David Lynch Wanna-Be director turns to bashing religion to get to the ending. Couldn't think of something better than low hanging fruit of the left?
So Sad.
The Hellstrom Chronicle (1971)
Dated and Not Real
A scientist explains how the savagery and efficiency of the insect world could result in their taking over the world.
I wonder how many people watching this today know that this is not a real documentary. It's fiction and satire. The main character is NOT a scientist. He's an actor who was in sitcoms!
The 70's saw a number of these kookie sorts of predictions. Global cooling was all the rage until Big Brother realized they wouldn't be making money off it.
Then there was Tolkien with the prediction that the U. S. was destined to be broken up into sub-regions. What a nut,.
Now global cooling was based on teh same scince as global warming, while the sub-sections of the US was based on some guy's theories, but this movie is completely made up.
It's not a documentary. In fact, Wolper, who produced this actually is quoted as saying it's tongue in cheek with every third like being a joke.
Amazing how many reviewers think this is reality.
Wake up.
The Hit (1984)
Seven Rating? REALLY?
Ten years after ratting on his old mobster friends in exchange for personal immunity, two hit men drive a hardened criminal to Paris for his execution. However, while on the way, whatever can go wrong, does go wrong.
This is a very cheaply made European crime / action movie with a few middling stars. Word to the wise: the fight scenes are laughable.
The plot makes little sense, except as a way to draw out a movie for 90 minutes. Because if you want to kill a snitch, who don't you just kill him where he is? Also there is one gun between three people and they don't bother to handcuff the snitch to be murdered.
It's plain dumb. Like this boring movie.
The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting (2003)
A Total Embarrassment
After being discharged from the local police force, Jim Halsey (C. Thomas Howell) travels to Texas with his girlfriend Maggie (Kari Wuhrer) to face down his demons and visit an old friend. Along the way, however, Jim & Maggie picks up a demented hitchhiker who has diabolical plans for the duo.
This has to be the worst movie made in the past 20 years. It's a complete and total embarrassment of filmmaking. The story is plainly dumb.
The direction is atrocious. And the acting? What acting. The main character speaks in a breathless monotone for the entire movie. The female lead is a written as an annoying cloying wife who berates her husband repeatedly and become the reason they are in this mess.
It's all idiotic.
Timecode (2000)
It Doesn't Work
The primary story with this movie is that it is shown in four simultaneously filmed ninety-three minute single shot takes (in other words, shown in four quadrants), with the actual plot secondary. The four cameras follow the players involved, with two or more of the four cameras sometimes filming the exact same scene from different angles and thus different perspectives. The audio on each of the four quadrants is turned up and down based on which quadrant(s) the viewer should pay most attention to at any given time.
Too bad it doesn't work.
It never comes together the way they want it to. Sorry, but the result stinks. It's just a bunch of self-absorbed actors thinking they are being artistic.
It put me to sleep.
National Anthem (2023)
How Did This Get Greenlit???
Dylan, a 21 year-old construction worker in New Mexico, joins a community of queer rodeo performers in search of their own version of the American dream. While working on a ranch in the breathtaking expanse of the Southwest, they contend with the undeniable forces of nature, family, and love.
It's garbage.
The movie has the story of a dime store novel. And bad acting and bad directing to boot. It's impossible to imagine how totally lacking quality this garbage is.
It looks like it was made for about fifteen dollars.
I was wondering how on Earth this junk is currently getting an over 7 rating here, but then I figured it out.
Alien: Romulus (2024)
This was Slated for Hulu?
While scavenging the deep ends of a derelict space station for cryogenic pods, a group of young space colonists come face to face with the most terrifying life form in the universe.
Let's be honest, the last few Alien movies were horrible. In fact, the only good ones were the first two.
Alien Romulus re-invigorates the franchise. It's really good. Tight, with heart wrenching action and a pretty decent storyline.
Some of it was a little hard to follow and some scenes didn't make much logical sense (I won't spoil it for anyone, but you'll know when you see them) but the movie keeps your interest throughout.
There isn't much filler in the movie, which is good. There are a number of throwbacks to the earlier movies, which is cool too.
It's hard to believe this was going to be a Hulu movie because it's way too good.
Totally Killer (2023)
Back to the Killer
35 years after the shocking murder of three teens, the infamous "Sweet Sixteen Killer" returns on Halloween night to claim a fourth victim.
17-year-old Jamie ignores her overprotective mom's warning and comes face to face with the masked maniac and on the run for her life, accidentally time travels back to 1987, the year of the original killings. Forced to navigate the unfamiliar and outrageous culture of the 1980s, Jamie teams up with her teen mom to take down the killer once and for all before she's stuck in the past forever.
Fun slasher movie, made in the Scream vein of movie making with some Back to the Future vibes.
Fast paced and super violent. Yeah, there are lots of holes in the plot and the masked killer is wearing a Beavis mask, but just go with it. It's a fun twisty-turny ride.
Holiday on the Buses (1973)
Hammer Gets Funny
Fired by the bus company, Stan and Jack get jobs as drivers ferrying punters to and from a holiday camp and arrange for the rest of the family to come and stay. There's one disaster after another as Jack and Stan, still chasing women half their age, take two girls for a bus trip on the sands only for the bus to sink into the sands as the tide approaches. And so it goes
Most people know Hammer as the House of Horror, but here, they go for the broad low brow British humor. Not exactly Benny Hill, but some hot chicks and brief nudity.
It's fast paced and filled with snappy dialog.
It's a harmless movie that's pretty easy to watch in that it requires no thinking whatsoever. So what if you leave a few brain cells behind?