Muppets Most Wanted (2014)
Ricky Gervais: Dominic Badguy
Photos
Quotes
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Constantine : My name will go down as the greatest thief of all time!
Dominic Badguy : You mean our names, right?
Constantine : Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar... your name.
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Dominic Badguy : Dominic: International Tour Manager.
[presents his business card]
Fozzie Bear : "Dominic Bad Guy"?
Dominic Badguy : "Bad-gee". It's French.
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Dominic Badguy : [Walter is skeptical of the Madrid show's success] I'm glad to say the Spanish reviewers disagree with you as well, Walter. They loved us. Five out of five jamon serranos.
Walter : Whoa. Those reviews really came out fast.
Pepe the King Prawn : And "Citizen Kane" only got four jamon serranos.
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Dominic Badguy : I want every seat in the house filled. Give tickets away if you have to.
Critic : Well, it's the Muppets. It won't be easy.
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Dominic Badguy : [passing Constantine off as Kermit] Flawlessly executed. Bravo.
Constantine : What did you expect from world's most dangerous frog and number one criminal, Number Two?
Dominic Badguy : Yeah, I know. You're number one, I'm number two. I think you mentioned that before.
Constantine : Now that we control the Muppet tour, Number Two, phase one of our plan is complete. We are now positioned to carry out greatest...
[mumbling]
Constantine : ...burgle... blurgh-el... burgle...
Dominic Badguy : Burglary.
Constantine : Yes. Of all time and pin it on those gullible Muppets, who will spend the rest of their miserable lives behind bars.
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Kermit , Gonzo , Fozzie Bear , Miss Piggy , Rowlf the Dog , Scooter : [singing 'We're Doing A Sequel'] We're doing a sequel
Beaker : [Beaker is teleported into a monitor with a test pattern screen, running frantically] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Kermit , Gonzo , Fozzie Bear , Miss Piggy , Rowlf the Dog , Scooter : Let's give it a shot,
Kermit : All we need now is a half-decent plot...
Gonzo : Got it: an epic love story between a very handsome, long-nosed, purple thing and a beautiful chicken.
Gonzo : [the scenery falls over] I call it: "Gonzo With the Wind".
Camilla : [Camilla clucks]
Kermit : Does anybody have any other ideas?
Fozzie Bear : Oh, oh! It's about getting the Muppets back together again to stop an evil oil baron from demolishing the old studio!
Kermit : Fozzie, did you even watch our last film?
Miss Piggy : It's about a frog who marries a beautiful, perfect pig, and they have to kiss each other a lot!
Kermit : Uh...
Swedish Chef : [subtitled Swedish-sounding gibberish] How about a film on the existential conundrum of religious faith?
Kermit : I don't think Americans watch subtitled films.
Dominic Badguy : [Ricky Gervais appearing as himself] Kermit, how about the Muppets go on a world tour?
Kermit : [Kermit gasps in surprise] That's perfect!
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Dominic Badguy : Have you studied your Kermit tapes yet?
Constantine : Of course not. This is child's play for frog of my talent.
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Constantine : [singing] I'm number one/You're number two/We're criminals at large/But I'm at larger than you/I'm number one/You're number two/I believe in equality/As long as you get less than me/I'm one.
Dominic Badguy : You're one.
Constantine : You're number two.
Dominic Badguy : I'm number two.
Constantine : You may think that you're smarter/But I'm smarter than you/I'm number one/You're number two/You're lucky to be number two/Not number three/I can see by the look in your eye/You want to get a bigger piece of the pie/One day, you'll get your chance/But in the meantime, you've got to dance, monkey, dance!
Dominic Badguy : Really? I hate dancing.
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Kermit the Frog : [Dominic wants to change the venue of their first show] Guys, I-I'm not sure we can do this, you know?
Dominic Badguy : Okay, let's put this to the vote. All those in favor of believing in ourselves, raise your hands.
Kermit the Frog : [hands are raised] That's not what I'm saying.
Dominic Badguy : And all those in favor of just giving up.
Kermit the Frog : [with a sigh] I can't believe I'm voting for giving up.
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Dominic Badguy : Don't take it personally. They still love you. They just prefer me now.
Kermit the Frog : Uh, thank you, Dominic. That's very comforting.
Dominic Badguy : Do you know what I think helps sometimes in situations like this?
Kermit the Frog : What?
Dominic Badguy : A walk alone in the fog in former East Berlin. Maybe along a deserted canal.
[he shows Kermit a map with a large arrow literally labeled "deserted canal"]
Kermit the Frog : Well, I guess a quiet stroll is not a bad idea. Let the others know I've gone, will you?
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Dominic Badguy : Hi, guys. Look, it's Kermit, just back from his afternoon stroll.
Constantine : Hi-lo! I am Kermit.
Dominic Badguy : He's got a cold. That's why his voice sounds a little bit different at the moment.
[the other Muppets all mutter in agreement, and Constantine fakes a hacking cough]
Dominic Badguy : See? Just calm down. Just relax.
Constantine : You are right. Dominic is terrific!
Dominic Badguy : Aw.
Constantine : From now on, let's do whatever he says. Hmm?
Fozzie Bear : Wow, that walk must have really helped.
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Dominic Badguy : Listen up. You're hot. You're having a moment. But what is inevitable about a moment? It ends.
Fozzie Bear : [clutching Kermit] I don't want this moment to end!
Dominic Badguy : That's why we got to get out there now and capitalize on this moment with a capital "C", yeah?
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Dominic Badguy : I want you to conquer the world. Do an international tour. Show a global audience what you can do.
Kermit the Frog : [over the other Muppets' excited chatter] Yeah, that sounds great, but I-I'm just not sure... wait, wait a second, guys, listen. I'd love to do that, too. But we've barely gotten back together. We don't want to mess that up.
Dominic Badguy : Okay, I am inundated with offers of management at the moment. One Direction, U2, Cirque du Soleil. Just some of the acts I can list.
Fozzie Bear : [exclaiming in awe] Wow, that's a good list!
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Dominic Badguy : What's wrong? You only ever knit when you're stressed.
Constantine : The bear, the little guy, and their dog, they are onto us. They got away.
Dominic Badguy : How are we gonna spin this?
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[Constantine sees Dominic in an animal suit]
Constantine : Number Two, you look ridiculous! Why are you wearing that?
Dominic Badguy : Because I am the Lemur, and the world's new No 1 Criminal! That's right, this is where I double-cross you!
Constantine : First rule of double-cross: you don't announce the double-cross before you double-cross. It's not even a rule, because it's so obvious!
[blows up Dominic]
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Dominic Badguy : I'm number two/He's number one/I can't believe I'm working for an amphibian/I'm number two/He's number one.
Constantine : I'm number one!
Dominic Badguy : You know life's gone to the dogs/When your boss is a frog/I can see it's just a matter of time/Before he's gone and I'm at the front of the line/It won't be long 'til I get my chance/But in the meantime, I've got to dance, monkey, dance.
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Constantine : I'm number one.
Dominic Badguy : He's number one.
Constantine : You're number two.
Dominic Badguy : I'm number two.
Constantine : Now, that's it, kid/There you go/Now step aside/This ain't your show/I'm one.
Dominic Badguy : [mimicking] "I'm one."
Constantine : I'm number one.
Dominic Badguy : Yes, we know.
Constantine : I'm...
Dominic Badguy : He's...
Dominic Badguy , Constantine : Number one!
Constantine : [tap-dancing on Dominic's head] That's how it's done.
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Constantine : Once you have stolen the Crown Jewels and framed the Muppets, ring the tower bell five times and we will rendezvous on the roof.
Dominic Badguy : But what will you do when you're married? Because the pig'll know everything.
Constantine : Once she's served her purpose, kaboom. It will be bacon for breakfast.
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Sam Eagle : Congratulations, weirdos, you've saved the Crown Jewels!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : And you've caught my nemesis, the Lemur. Look at his little costume. That's adorable!
Dominic Badguy : I'm not adorable.
Sam Eagle : He *is* adorable.
Constantine : You're adorable! Did you make that kitty-cat outfit?
Rowlf the Dog : The bad guy is Dominic Badguy!
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Dominic Badguy : [searching for Colonel Blood's key] Where is it?
Constantine : It's got to be here somewhere. Keep smashing, Number Two.
Dominic Badguy : What do you think I'm doing? I'm smashing.
Constantine : Where is that key?
Dominic Badguy : [picking up a statue] The last one. It better be in here.
Constantine : He looks a little bit like you, Number Two.
Dominic Badguy : [smashing it] Colonel Blood's key.
Constantine : Hmm. Nice of him to label it.
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[Deleted scene; Kermit sneaks into the Tower of London, carrying a large bouquet. Dominic sees him going past]
Dominic Badguy : [thinking Kermit is Constantine] What are you doing here? You're supposed to get ready, Number One.
[He points to the mole planted on Kermit's face]
Dominic Badguy : And also, your thing is showing.
Kermit : Uh, yes. Uh...
[He clears his throat and puts on his best Constantine voice]
Kermit : Yes, of course. I know that you, you, you complete idiot. Why do you think I am walking around with these flowers to cover my face?
Dominic Badguy : Alright, calm down.
Kermit : [slips into his regular voice] Thank you.
[He starts to walk away before realizing that Dominic could have found him out]
Kermit : For nothing!