Lawn Quotes

“I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?”
― Ryan Lilly, Write like no one is reading

“Dear Mom and Dad

How are you? If you are reading this it means your back from the wonderful cruise my brothers and I sent you on for your anniversary. We’re sure you both had a wonderful time. We want you to know that, while you were away, we did almost everything you asked. All but one thing, that is.

We killed the lawn.

We killed it dead.

You asked us not to and we killed it. We killed it with extreme prejudice and no regard for its planty life.

We killed the lawn.

Now we know what you’re thinking: “But sons, whom we love ever so much, how can this be so? We expressly asked you to care for the lawn? The exactly opposite of what you are now conveying to us in an open digital forum.” True enough. We cannot dispute this. However, we have killed the lawn. We have killed it good.

We threw a party and it was quite a good time. We had a moon bounce and beer and games and pirate costumes, oh it was a good time. Were it anyone else’s party that probably would have been enough but, hey, you know us. So we got a foam machine.

A frothy, wet, quite fun yet evidently deadly, foam machine. Now this dastardly devise didn’t kill the lawn per se. We hypothesize it was more that it made the lawn very wet and that dancing in said area for a great many hours over the course of several days did the deed. Our jubilant frolicking simply beat the poor grass into submission.

We collected every beer cap, bottle, and can. There is not a single cigarette butt or cigar to be found. The house is still standing, the dog is still barking, Grandma is still grandmaing but the lawn is no longer lawning.

Now we’re sure, as you return from your wonderful vacation, that you’re quite upset but lets put this in perspective. For one thing whose idea was it for you to leave us alone in the first place? Not your best parenting decision right there. We’re little better than baboons. The mere fact that we haven’t killed each other in years past is, at best, luck.

Secondly, let us not forget, you raised us to be this way. Always pushing out limits, making sure we thought creatively. This is really as much your fault as it is ours, if not more so. If anything we should be very disappointed in you.

Finally lets not forget your cruise was our present to you. We paid for it. If you look at how much that cost and subtract the cost of reseeding the lawn you still came out ahead so, really, what position are you in to complain?

So let’s review; we love you, you enjoyed a week on a cruise because of us, the lawn is dead, and it’s partially your fault.

Glad that’s all out in the open. Can you have dinner ready for us by 6 tonight? We’d like macaroni and cheese.

Love always
Peter, James & Carmine”
― Peter F. DiSilvio

“So if you'll excuse me I'm going to yell at phantom children to stay off my non-existent lawn. I will tell them how arcade games were the original multiplayer if they make nice and choose not to get help from the bottle kids.”
― stained hanes, 94,000 Wasps in a Trench Coat

“Rothstein worked with Park Avenue men as beards in the club-house, and with Broadway characters, such as Morris the Boob on The Lawn, and he probably bet away from the track, too.”
― Nick Tosches, King of the Jews

“Out he went, his blue and ivory feet crushing the wet salad of the lawn.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

“When it comes to Cincinnati Lawn Care, Royse Lawn Care has the experience to make your yard look beautiful. We provide fertilizin, weeding, aeration and more. Our lawn maintenance services encompasses a variety of services aimed at making your lawn beautiful and comfortable. Your lawn is a statement about your way of life and you should hire the best since your lawn deserves it. Do not let your lawn suffer. We maintain your lawn and adopt a systematic approach for its proper treatment.”
― Royse Lawn Care Cincinnati

“When you have children or grandchildren it seems kind of waste if they cannot play on the lawn because there is fertilizer all over it.-Author, ORGANIC LANDSCAPING TECHNIQUES BARNES AND NOBLE NOOK BOOKS”
― V J Smith, THE ULTIMATE BABY BOOMERS GUIDE TO LIVING A LONG PROSPEROUS LIFE

“I’d move to trim the front hedges by hand in an insane act of “yard maintenance.” This act of kaiju sized bonsai left me exhausted to attempt any more complex yard acts, but it did give me time to ponder the control a hand tool can provide.”
― Matt Puchalski, A Pandemic Gardening Journal