Stream It Or Skip It: ‘DC League of Super-Pets’ on HBO Max, in Which Superman’s Dog Woofs Up The Usual Animated Superhero Adventure

Talking-animal movies and superhero movies are a dime a dozen, but DC League of Super-Pets (now available on HBO Max, as well as to rent or buy on digital platforms like Amazon Prime Video) poses a scintillating question: What if a talking-animal movie is ALSO a superhero movie, and ALSO has a pointlessly awkward title? I mean, all we need to do is make “DC” possessive and get rid of the “league of” and eliminate the hyphen, and you’ve got less of a mouthful there. An even bigger mouthful is the voice cast, which isn’t star-studded – more like it’s shoving a size 8 into a size 2 and popping all the seams. In lieu of making us suffer by listing them all, I’ll mention that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is the main guy, voicing Krypto the Superdog, a.k.a. Bark Kent, Superman’s best friend, who enjoys top-billing in an animated action-comedy that hopefully delivers some laughs for DC fanpeoples and casual viewers alike.

DC LEAGUE OF SUPER-PETS: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: PLEASE NOTE: In this reality, animals can talk and communicate with each other, but humans only hear barking or oinking or squeaking or whatever. How their communication maintains functionality among different species is a detail in which this screenplay shows zero interest. Anyway. Krypto (Johnson) was born on Krypton, and he therefore has all the same superpowers as Superman (John Krasinski). Supe’s parents (Alfred Molina and Lena Headey) shoved the pup in the ship so the boy wouldn’t be lonely. Now they’re inseparable pals in modern-day Metropolis, Superman tossing a Batman toy dubbed “Squeaky Bruce” for Krypto, who can retrieve it from a zillion miles away in the blink of an eye. But Superman’s burgeoning romantic relationship with Lois Lane (Olivia Wilde) has Krypto wondering if his BFF is pushing him aside. The dog doesn’t want to share. The dog wants to fire up some popcorn and watch The Great British Bake Off with Superman, like they always do. But noooooooooo, Superman has a date with a human female.

Be warned, this is the part of the review where it threatens to become a list of names. There’s this pet adoption center where a dog named Rex (Kevin Hart) is buds with a squirrel named Chip (Diego Luna), a pig named PB (Vanessa Bayer) and a turtle named Merton (Natasha Lyonne), and looming in a cage above them is a hairless guinea pig, Lulu (Kate McKinnon), who idolizes Superman’s arch enemy Lex Luthor (Marc Maron) and therefore dreams of world domination. Superman belongs to the Justice League along with Batman (Keanu Reeves!), Wonder Woman (Jameela Jamil), Green Lantern (Dascha Polanco), Cyborg (Daveed Diggs), the Flash (John Early) and Aquaman (Jemaine Clement), all of whom suck so bad at superheroing, they’re captured and locked up by Lulu after she acquires some orange kryptonite that gifts her and a legion of guinea-pig followers with superpowers. Yes. Of course. Say it with me. All together now. I HATE when that happens. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, worse than having your considerable super abilities so easily and effectively countered by an orange-kryptonite-irradiated hairless guinea pig with a mean fascist streak – especially if you’re Wonder Woman, since the guinea pig will pile on by saying mean things about your boots.

Thing is, the whatfores and wherewhys of this ridiculous string of events also result Rex, Chip, PB and Merton attaining powers and busting out of the adopt-o-spot just in time to give Krypto a timely assist, considering he was tricked into eating a chunk of green kryptonite and subsequently lost his powers – at least until it passes through his digestive tract. Don’t worry, his shit smells like sandalwood, and he brags about it. He’s kind of smug, this Krypto. He’s let his status as a hero and superior physical specimen get a little out of hand inside his head, which makes it a tad difficult to be friends with another dog and a squirrel and a pig and a turtle. This multi-layered conflict arrives at the perfect time, since, even though his dookies aren’t ripe, his self is for sure ripe for a little humbling. Maybe by the time all this ridiculousness is over he’ll learn to be a little less petty and jealous and self-satisfied, but hey, NO SPOILERS here, mack.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: Super-Pets is just The Secret Life of Pets except the pets can fly and run really fast and shoot lightning, etc., and therefore participate in destructive events of great significance (Oh, and no Louis CK, either). The squirrel character and one of the gags are pretty much stolen wholesale from Over the Hedge. (Remember Over the Hedge? I know, it’s hard to remember, since that was a few hundred talking-animal movies ago. But I’m not earning my wage if I’m not remembering Over the Hedge.)

Performance Worth Watching Hearing: I loved Keanu’s Batman, who’s the object of jokes about his wide array of psychological hang-ups. But McKinnon is the winner here, getting all the best lines, and delivering them with stinging wit.

Memorable Dialogue: Lulu the fashion critic: “You want the truth? The boots are a bit much.”

Sex and Skin: None.

Our Take: You want the truth? Nobody cares a single dog-lick about the story or the sentiment here, which is straight out of the Big Book of Lessons on Teamwork and Humility for Youth-Oriented Screenplays (1997 ed.). And the story is comprised of all the usual boilerplate cliches: You’ve got your rambunctious action set pieces, your big loud violent third-act confrontational showdown, your cast of misfits and weirdos, your usual superhero-lost-his-powers arc, your quasi-ironic rockin’ soundtrack (Europe, Queen, etc.) and your self-referential jokes (Super-Pets is the second animated talking-animal movie this summer to throw in fourth-wall-busting one-liners about training montages). So far, so by-the-numbers.

But two elements of animated kid flicks sometimes make them stand out: Does it look good? Super-Pets shows a couple clever visual moves and jams the backgrounds with puns and DC inside jokes, although nobody’s going to whip out the old chestnut about every frame being a painting worthy of hanging in the Louvre. And is it funny? It’s about 50/50 with the jokes, which is a rock-solid hit/miss ratio, although it’s worth noting that one of them is a Nightmare on Elm Street reference, one nods to Maron’s podcast and one is a borderline-nasty dig at Paw Patrol, all the type of stuff with varying comedic mileage. My hope that the film would be about the DC heroes’ pets banding together in the name of justice wasn’t quite fulfilled; one yearns to see Swamp Thing’s mucky toad, Sandman’s raven and Aquaman’s blobfish team up to fight evil animals, but alas. Seems like a lost opportunity in lieu of a lot of the usual stuff. They’re probably saving something for the sequels, sigh.

Our Call: STREAM IT. DC League of Super-Pets inspires just enough laughs to warrant a half-shrug of a recommendation for a family movie night where you don’t care if you pause in case you miss anything. Might be best to wait til it’s free on HBO or whatever.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com.