Stream It or Skip It: ‘Crossing Swords’ on Hulu, a Raunchy Medieval Romp from ‘Robot Chicken’s’ EPs

Crossing Swords is Hulu’s latest animated series—and don’t let its retro preschool look fool you. This show is extremely TV-MA, as two of the brains behind Robot Chicken cut loose in a perverse medieval playset. The series features the voices of Nicholas Hoult, Luke Evans, Adam Pally, Tony Hale, Tara Strong, and Yvette Nicole Brown.

CROSSING SWORDS: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

Opening Shot: A soaring overhead look at the kingdom stretching beyond the castle walls and neighboring settlements up to a mountaintop where we find our lead, Patrick, and his three siblings.

The Gist: Young Patrick is a naive nobody on a quest to fulfill his dream of becoming a knight in service to his king. His main problem: literally every single person in his medieval life, and presumably every single person he will ever meet, is an unapologetic, raging, narcissistic, nihilistic asshole. Oh—and everyone’s a stop-motion-style CG peg person.

Our Take: If you miss the anxious, claustrophobic feeling of getting bullied in middle school, Crossing Swords will scratch that itch raw. The show, which comes from Robot Chicken EPs John Harvatine IV and Tom Root, is essentially a vehicle for constant dick, piss, shit, and pussy jokes. That’s all Crossing Swords—the title is itself a dick joke!—has to offer.

Following an extensive nut-shot squire melee, where Patrick pulls ahead because he knows how to tuck his junk, we move to the jousting scene where we get an explanation of “joosting”: “it’s when two dudes run full steam at each other with their dicks out.” Sure, that explanation is kind of a joke, if you consider the acknowledgement that dicks exist to be hilarious. These 8th grade jokes would kill in the cafeteria, but they fall flat if your cafeteria days are behind you.

But y’know, maybe the relentless barrage of one note jokes would play better if they were coming from characters that were actual characters. Instead, the same dick jokes all come from a dozen characters who are all the exact same kind of dick. Patrick’s siblings are terrible (“Mom, she’s a goddamn fucking pirate queen!”), his parents are terrible (his dad’s getting a pool table so he can fuck Patrick’s mom on it, which we see), the king is terrible (he’s a pompous jackass), the queen is terrible (she’s turned on by underage boys)—even the neighbors, townspeople, vendors, and passersby are all the exact same type of terrible. They all hate everything and call everyone “fuckface,” which means you could switch out everyone’s “jokes” except Patrick’s and pretty much nothing would change. It’s exhausting.

Just for an example of filthy humor that works: watch this scene from Veep.

Even in that brief scene, every character is operating on a different level of vulgarity. Dirty jokes are great, but they can’t be basic and bland.

Crossing Swords seems built on the incredibly one-note joke that it’s hilarious to watch cute, preschool toys curse and fuck nonstop. Truthfully, that is funny for a second—but the show never even so much as attempts to do more than that. And just to underscore how played out all the humor is: the plot climaxes with a slow clap joke.

Sex and Skin: We get full frontal male and female peg person nudity as well as a flashes of peg people sex scenes.

Parting Shot: Patrick lands his dream gig working with the king—and then his estranged siblings return home just in time to exploit it. Oh, and Patrick walks in on his dad fucking his mom on a pool table, because that’s what passes as a joke in Crossing Swords.

Sleeper Star: Since there are only two defined characters (Patrick and All the Assholes), you have to give it up for… the animation style. Truly, the show’s original look is the reason to at least watch part of the show (maybe on mute, but you do you).

Most Pilot-y Line: We’re just a few minutes into the episode when Patrick’s sister shouts to her siblings, “See ya, fucksticks!” That one line lets you know everything you need to know about what Crossing Swords thinks is funny.

Our Call: SKIP IT, unless you’re in 8th grade and somehow haven’t already heard these jokes before.

Stream Crossing Swords on Hulu