‘SNL’ Recap: Donald Trump Declares Victory In The War On Christmas

The cold open of the final Saturday Night Live episode of 2017 was a tepid hodgepodge of the show’s political characters with current events, all blended into an uninspired stew of year-in-review references.

As President Donald Trump, Alec Baldwin – who has been rumored to be considering a political run, an outcome I’ll root for if it gets him off SNL – addresses the American people about the holidays with Melania (Cecily Strong) by his side. He welcomes his family and close cohorts to decorate the Christmas tree, with ornaments featuring pictures of the vanquished – Anthony Scaramucci, Sean Spicer, et al.

Starting by saying, “The War on Christmas is over. It will soon be replaced by the war with North Korea” – which might be funny if it weren’t an actual possibility – he welcomes Kellyanne Conway (Kate McKinnon) who put James Comey’s picture of her ornament. There are no real jokes in her appearance, and the one laugh line – when Trump asks what she wants for Christmas, she says, “I want out” – reverts to the show’s terrible habit of painting Conway as an innocent bystander instead of an eager collaborator, which has defined most of McKinnon’s appearances as her of late.

We see Sarah Huckabee Sanders (Aidy Bryant), Mike Pence (Beck Bennett), Jeff Sessions (McKinnon), the Trump boys (Mikey Day and Alex Moffat), and surprise guest (and rumored Colin Jost love interest) Scarlett Johansson as Ivanka Trump. There are some scattered laughs from Sanders (“Mr. President, you shoot a gun at the floor and I’ll dance”), and Pence, who hates the song “Deck the Halls” because of the line “gay apparel,” but the funniest might be the just-fired Omarosa Manigault-Newman (Leslie Jones), who punches out a security guard, then plays the “Apprentice” theme from a boom box she holds over her head outside Trump’s window, a la John Cusack in Say Anything.

Host Kevin Hart was his usual frenetic self in a stand-up monologue about his reluctance to have a third child because he can’t deal with another two-year-old child, and the stress men face in having to be the fun parent. Enjoy your mentions, Kevin.

Women got their revenge with a short but pointed parody of an ad for Pandora, which, here, makes custom charms for men to give to women based on one superficial fact about their life. Day gives wife McKinnon a coffee cup charm, while Bennett presents Strong with one shaped like a dress, because, he says, “I noticed you wear dresses.” As the voice-over announcer describes it, “Pandora Charms say the things you wanna tell her the most, like, ‘I know what job you have, and that job is nurse,’ or, ‘You like drinking.’” “I got Greg a motorcycle,” McKinnon tells friends. Strong replies, “I got us a threesome.” Step it up, gents.

The next sketch takes place at a corporate meeting, where Hart has a habit of faking urgent phone calls because he’s too embarrassed to admit he has to use the bathroom. When he’s called on it, he pretends to be too proud to go, but then we see him suffer, loudly. This is the whole sketch, back and forth, and it devolves to fake flop sweat and fart noises. By the end, his co-workers are all faking phone calls to get him to swallow his pride and do his business. This was way funnier than it had any right to be, but Hart gave it his all.

Next, Hart and Chris Redd play superheroes Captain Shadow and The Cardinal. After foiling a bank robbery then returning to their headquarters in a Batmobile-type vehicle, they plan to examine clues from the crime, but are derailed when they’re pulled over by police officer Moffat, who clocked them driving 140 mph. The sketch blends how fictional crime fighters do things that would have them condemned in real life – driving at breakneck speeds, carrying makeshift weapons, etc. – with how black drivers face greater dangers in being pulled over by police. The best laughs here come from the contrast between Redd’s worshipful naivety, in having no compunctions about talking back to a police officer, with Hart’s worldweary caution. In the end, it turns out crimefighter Hart might not be the upholder of good against evil he claimed to be.

Next, TNT’s Inside the NBA gets the SNL treatment, with Hart as Shaquille O’Neal, Kenan Thompson as Charles Barkley, Moffat as Ernie Johnson and Redd as Kenny Smith. The sketch is basically a takedown of O’Neal’s mumbly qualities as a commentator, a role formerly occupied by Jay Pharoah. Hart, whose bald wig gives O’Neal’s head a Martian quality, babbles sentences that make no sense as Barkley trashes him for it. “It’s like a whole bunch of words got jumbled up in your brain, and the fire marshall said, ‘Everybody out!’” By the end of the sketch, Shaq stands, and Hart is walking on stilts. Not much to this, but the banter between Hart and Thompson is natural with a few solid laughs.

Funny Colin Jost line from a stronger-than-usual “Weekend Update”: “Doug Jones has become the first Democrat to win a senate seat in Alabama in over 20 years. Said Roy Moore: ‘Gross. Over 20 years?’” Michael Che showed some clips of how black women in media were overjoyed at the firing of Omarosa from the White House, noting how she’s a pariah in the black community, then Jones returned as her, demanding a retraction from Che, claiming she de-activated her own ID card, and threw herself out of the White House.

We then saw the return of Moffat’s “The Guy Who Just Bought a Boat,” just back from sex rehab to give holiday dating tips following by harsh self-assessments of his own genitals – or, as he says, “let talk getting fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-laid.” His proficiency in douche-speak has only intensified since his last appearance, as with, “Remember, mistletoe leads to camel toe. And medically speaking, my missile is a toe,” a line that pretty much broke Jost. The puns come at breakneck speed. Pointing to his crotch, he says, “Bad Jingle, Worse Bells,” before calling his penis a “Feliz Navidud.” Moffat has become one of my favorite SNL cast members, and this character is a brilliant illustration of why.

Next up, we get a “kids on stage” scene, where a Christmas nativity scene features a llama playing a camel. Heidi Gardner, as the llama’s handler, warns the audience that the llama is in its mating season, so the cast is wearing protective gear. The sketch then features Hart, Day, Moffat, and Kyle Mooney as nervous teens ditching their lines in their nervousness about the llama – who is, in reality, completely calm and well-behaved. The students bail when the llama gets an erection. This was a potentially cute premise that just didn’t go anywhere.

At a Christmas party, Jones plays Hart’s domineering wife. It quickly becomes clear that Hart does anything his wife says, and for reasons unclear, Jones forces Hart to undress a life-sized teddy bear and do nasty things to it. This was just dire. Absolutely pointless.

Then, for the final sketch of the year, Strong hosts a PBS pledge drive where we see clips from a 1971 fitness show called “Active Jack.” Hart plays Jack, doing funky moves with kids and dancers by his side. After the clip, Strong announces that the cast has reunited to perform the same song on their show. Now, a dyspeptic, out of shape Thompson is Jack, and his kid dancers are either old or dead. It’s a one joke sketch – Thompson and dancer McKinnon quickly give up as McKinnon lights a cigarette – but spirited performances from the two give it a few quick laughs. Hart and the cast then said their goodbyes from the Rockefeller Center skating rink.

That’s it for 2017. SNL returns on January 13 with host Sam Rockwell, and musical guest Halsey.

Larry Getlen is the author of the book Conversations with Carlin. His greatest wish is to see Stefon enjoy a cheeseburger at John Belushi’s diner. Follow him on Twitter at @larrygetlen.

Watch the Kevin Hart/Foo Fighters episode of SNL on Hulu