Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
Thank you for joining me for this assembly, students. As you all know, today we welcome a new class to The Bachelorette, or, as it shall be known this season: Rachel Lindsay’s Finishing School For Boys. Parents all over the country have been encouraged to send in their young charges, and they have responded admirably. Straight from the mean streets of Scrubtown come 31 boys — respectable jobs and bad personalities in tow — ready to be molded into semi-dateable men by a woman who is way, way out of their respective leagues. She has a job, a family, a sense of humor, and the whitewashed weight of ABC on her shoulders. They have sculpted jawlines, whiskey-boosted egos, and a lot to learn. What could possibly go wrong.
First let’s meet our Headmistress, Rachel, that fun, athletic combination of sweet and sour and sassy and classy, who informs us through gritted teeth, “We just need one.” She’s a civil litigator, and just so we’re all on the same page, the reason we’re pretending it didn’t work with Nick Viall last season is because she took too long to open up. Mmmkay? Not because he was a human thumb. In any case, the world of Thumb-based failure is behind her, and she is ready to up and get a ring on it.
Polishing these turds into diamonds is going to be a titanic task, but our fair Headmistress has ten whole episodes in which to do it, so I’m lousy with confidence. Let’s meet these dapper young gentlemen, and get to speculating about who will be the valedictorian? Only time will tell, but here they are, ladies and gentlemen, the Graduating Class of 2017. Beginning with the guys who showed up to orientation early.
APPLICANT 1: Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King. He’s a pro-wrestler with a ten-year old daughter at home, who seems to have a solid head on his shoulders.
Grade: A-
APPLICANT 2: Jack, a lawyer from Dallas. He’s an only child, and his teachers and I would love to see him do a little more sharing. Physical sharing, that is. He is very quick to share about the death of his mother, and we need more context to know how we feel about that.
Grade: B
APPLICANT 3: Alex, a weightlifting nerd who likes to code. His IQ is 180 “according to my mother,” and I will remind both Alex and his parents that that is not a scale we use when grading at this institution. We would love to see Alex exercise a bit more modesty going forward.
Grade: B-
APPLICANT 4: Mo. He’s involved with a startup, and while we encourage his continued participation in Bollywood dance, so far there is little to distinguish Mo from his peers.
Grade: B
APPLICANT 5: Lucas. Or, as he almost demands to be known in the classroom — Whaboom. What we would encourage from Lucas going forward is to lie silently in a drawer until needed. (Never.) He is excused for the rest of the school day and also the rest of the school year, and also what even is his job.
Grade: F
APPLICANT 6: Blake, a personal trainer. Blake is extremely lewd in the classroom, and has an above average estimation of his sexual prowess. Not that it’s any of our business as educators, but we’ve found in the past that students who say phrases like, “Scientifically, my libido is above average” and “Many woman have talked to me about the amazingness of my penis” typically have tiny weiners.
Grade: D (yes, Lucas — D for dick)
APPLICANT 7: Diggy from Chicago, so named because he likes clothing. Diggy seems to be a good pupil, although we have had some focus issues. Unless we shush him constantly, Diggy frequently stands up on his desk and announces that he has 575 pairs of sneakers.
Grade: B+
APPLICANT 8: Josiah, a prosecutor. While we appreciate Josiah’s honesty and openness, we urge him to ease into conversations a bit more gently. We’re less than five minutes into knowing him, and we already know that Josiah cut down his brother’s body at age seven after the latter’s suicide. We extend our condolences, but again, don’t know how to feel.
Grade: C
And that’s what we’re given in advance. It’s not what I’d call a stellar resume; certainly not enough to get you into law school. But it’s what we’ve got, so it’s what we’ll go with. How you feeling, Rachel?
Yeah dude. Same. I have the benefit of being able to skip the matriculation ceremony and all the hugging and handshaking, so let me just pick out some of my favorite and least favorite moments.
Top Of The Class:
- Wrestling Kenny, whom we already met.
- Peter from Wisconsin, who’s wearing a fun suit and getting a lot of talking head time, so is probably one to watch.
- Fred, who went to school with Rachel and had her as a camp counselor, and is now decidedly not a third grader.
Bizarrely High-Scorers:
- Bryan, a self-professed Colombian who spoke Spanish to Rachel literally one time and made her panties drop. Please remember the contract you sign at the beginning of every school year vowing not to sleep with students, Ms. Lindsay.
- Demario, who rolled in with tickets to Vegas at After the Final Rose. Whitney warned Rachel about him in their little confessional, because I guess Sara from their season knows him, but Rachel is gonna wait and see. Oh okay, for sure.
- Blake, who came in with an entire marching band.
Needs Improvement:
- Guitar boy, who doesn’t even know how to hold a guitar.
- Adam, who brought a dummy to the house.
- Adam Junior, said dummy.
Recommend Suspension:
- Jonathan, the tickle monster. I invoke my constitutional right not to go into any further detail on this one.
- Whaboom.
- Bryan’s kissing skills.
- Josiah’s ego.
- Mo’s alcohol intake.
But I’m not in charge of Rachel’s life, and she’s going to make her own choices. Here’s how things played out Night One.
Roses: Tongue Bryan, of course, Peter, Will, Jack, Jamie, Iggy, Eric, Demario, Jonathan, Bryce, Alex, Kenny, Dean, Matt, Anthony, Brady, Josiah, Guitar Boy Lee, Diggy, Fred, Adam, Aspiring Skarsgard Blake E, Whaboom
Eliminated: Adam Junior, Tom Cruise Guy, Kyle, Other Blake, Vest Man, Purr Milton
This is gonna be a long year if this is what we’re left with on the first night. Josiah full on pinned the First Impression Rose to his own lapel without actually winning it, Bryan climbed into Rachel’s mouth tongue-first with that kiss after actually winning it, and the Aspiring Skarsgard already took Whaboom aside for a #rightreasons chat. We are coming in hot this year, and Headmistress will have to step lively to make sure we finish out the whole curriculum by the finale. But if anyone can do it, she can. Turn these fellas out so we have something to look at that doesn’t remind me of the last guys left at a bar at 3:45am.
Alexis Rhiannon (@mindtheclam) is a freelance writer and comedian who grew up in Portland, Oregon, and is now located in New York City. Her interests include reality television, bar trivia, pop culture conspiracies, and someday cleaning her apartment. She can be seen monthly at the improvised show Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology in Williamsburg.
