‘Jurassic Park’ Is Overrated: Don’t @ Me

I’m not a monster. I don’t hate Steven Spielberg’s 1993 film Jurassic Park. Much like LaCroix, apple picking, and the romantic adventures of Taylor Swift, it’s something I know people care about yet I remain ambivalent towards. It’s a fine film; equivalent to receiving a B minus on a book report about Flowers For Algernon. You’re not doing cartwheels over the results, but hey, it’s slightly above average! For years I’ve stood idly by as friends, co-workers, and strangers I’m eavesdropping on at the Natural History Museum prattle on and on about how Jurassic Park is one of the greatest films of all time. But you know what? That’s simply not true.

Jurassic Park is overrated.

You may be thinking, “This is heresy! Jurassic Park is the bee’s knees!” First, I’m digging the cool, old-timey vibe you’re dropping, but second, no. The first hour of the film is a complete and utter slog. Jurassic Park is a good two hour movie that would be a great 90 minute film. I understand that exposition is a necessary evil, but even back in 1993 nobody needed to learn about the intricacies of DNA via animated video to understand the plot. And if you must include an animated video, do it Schoolhouse Rock-style! Have an adorable Byronosaurus in nerdy glasses sing a little jingle like “D-N-A makes cloning dinos a-o-kay” and move on.

Back to the Future explained freaking time travel in 18 seconds by making up a gibberish phrase (Flux Capacitor) and pointing to a wishbone connected to a suction cup. The power of brevity is a curious thing.

Steven Spielberg has directed a plethora of iconic characters, but Dr. Alan Grant and Dr. Ellie Sattler — portrayed by Sam Neill and Laura Dern, respectively — are not on that list. As actors, I adore these two, but I just don’t find their characters to be all that enthralling. What exactly am I rooting for during the first half of this movie? I’m not sitting there thinking, “I sure hope this nebulous couple with the sexual chemistry of a side salad sans dressing can make it work!” The character development during the first half of Jurassic Park is severely lacking. Indiana Jones, Elliot from E.T., I was invested in their journeys. These films created relatable, compelling characters while simultaneously building their cinematic universe. The first half of Jurassic Park? Not so much.

The whole “Dr. Grant doesn’t like kids” arc is a fine supplemental plot, but it’s nothing to hang your non-dinosaur narrative hat on. Around the 49-minute mark, Lex trips and Dr. Grant asks if she’s okay. Laura Dern’s Dr. Sattler offers a look that says, “Aw, he’s coming around. I bet he’ll make a great dad one day!” This is happening as Dr. Grant leads the children into the woods to interact with LIVE DINOSAURS. Also, Richard Attenborough’s John Hammond aka Dinosaur Willy Wonka should be locked up for allowing his grandkids to run around a park filled with bloodthirsty raptors. What kind of parents let their kids jet off to an uncertified dinosaur asylum? I’ll answer that: The raddest parents in the world.

While Grant and Sattler leave a lot to be desired, there was one character’s journey with which I was 100% invested.

Jeff Goldblum’s eccentric Dr. Ian Malcolm is as charismatic as a Tyrannosaurus is ornery. I appreciate how Goldblum’s character attempts to make life’s perpetual joy vacuum known as math fun, like a substitute teacher who arrives at school half buzzed and spends the majority of class bragging about his part-time rock band. In my Jurassic Park notes I wrote “Pump up the Goldblum,” which, honestly, isn’t just a helpful note for all future films, but a great philosophy for life in general.

After about an hour of talking about science and longingly gazing at dinosaurs, Jurassic Park finally begins when Dennis Nedry deactivates the park’s security system. That’s right. Your precious movie needed Newman from Seinfeld to shift into high gear.

Titanic didn’t have Uncle Leo crashing the ship into the iceberg. I’m just saying.

The last hour of Jurassic Park is admittedly a lot of fun. There’s no shortage of action and suspense as John Williams’s epic score adds to the omnipresent sense of adventure. There are so many enjoyable scenes: Lex morphing into a genius computer hacker; the stealthiest T-Rex in the universe saving a group of people it previously tried to eat; murderous yet door-savvy Velociraptors. So many entertaining moments that make a ton of logical sense!

So nobody noticed this little scamp enter the building, huh? I know Rexy didn’t initially make a lot of friends, you know, because of all the murder, but it was genuinely nice of this rascal to lie down on its belly and quietly shimmy into the building in order to save the day.

Good movie? Sure. Iconic? Nah.

ANYWAY, I respect the fact that you love Jurassic Park. I’m sure it was a seminal cinematic experience for you, and I’m sincerely happy it brought you joy. There’s no need to send me a Twitter message suggesting that you’d be cool with a Tyrannosaurus devouring me. First, it’s not nice. Second, if that really does happen, you’re going to feel awful about it. Third, in the unlikely event that a Tyrannosaurus does attack me, I’ll just play the first hour of Jurassic Park and watch as the majestic creature drifts off to sleep where it will surely dream about proper cinematic pacing and rudimentary character development.

Jurassic Park is leaving Netflix on May 1. Good.

Where to stream Jurassic Park