Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
My god, gumshoes, you look a mess, did you sleep in those clothes? What’s that? I haven’t given you a shift off since the last Rose Ceremony? Well quit your whining, it’s just another two hours of detecting, and then you’ll be able to go home to your families. Sometimes you have clients who don’t understand that when they change their own schedule, it messes with ours, and Nick is one of those clients. But he’s the one who pays the bills and keeps us in alimony and brown liquor, so let’s all bite our tongues and prepare for another evening of surveillance.
Roll tape.
Luckily for our investigative purposes, the four women remaining before Hometowns on The Bachelor are in the middle of the same conversation we left them in, talking about how “unpredictable” Nick is, which is the reality TV way of saying, “I do not feel safe or calm with this partner.” (So romantic.) He’s down strolling by the beach coming down from sending home a perfectly good pair of legs — already forgotten what her top half was called — but as far as they know, he could pop back in any time to put his hands on more thighs and send home some more stems. Instead, he sheepishly pokes his head back in with a handful of roses clutched in his paw, and our four suspects relax. As he wipes away tears that I genuinely believe are not physically present on his face, Nick explains that he has four roses, but he’s going to offer them to the women one by one, because this should be a reciprocal thing; he doesn’t want to just invite himself to people’s hometowns. (You know, like how every breakup so far has been reciprocal. I’m sure that’s right, so I won’t bother to look it up.) Naturally, all four women eagerly accept, even Raven, who’s already taken a rose from him earlier, and it’s time to zoom off to the hometowns of our final four suspects.
Stay close behind, keep your mouth shut, and take good notes, because the elimination going from four down to three is one of the most crucial in the entire process.
Suspect #1: RAVEN
Location: Hoxie, Arkansas
Activity: Motherfucking mudding, bitch.
If you thought I was obsessed with Raven in the house, just wait ‘til you see my jaw drop over Bumpkin Raven. She’s from this teeny-weeny town where there’s almost nothing to do, so she rolls up on an ATV and cutoffs, ready to tell Nick she’s in love with him today, as if that didn’t slip out of her mouth on a date like three weeks ago, and I’m ready to call the whole thing off and have a wedding right here. He asks her who’s driving and she goes, “Me!,” but is more polite than I am, because I would’ve added, “You know, the person who’s actually done this before and whose guest you are right now, you mouth-breather.” And then just because he likes to keep me on my toes, Nick has his little mitts all over those bare cutoff legs, getting me nervous that Raven’s going to be the one eliminated tonight.
There’s some sort of Hoxie tradition of going up to a grain bin for a conversation about your secrets, which turns out to be just an excuse to play a fun cop prank on Nick. The police drive up and make them get down from the grain bin, and are asking them for ID, and never at any point does Nick believe that this is a real thing that happening and not a prank, you can tell by his face. And true to form, the officer turns out to be Raven’s brother Wesley, and oh how we all laugh. Life with Raven would be spontaneous and fun and a little crazy, we’re informed by Nick, and then the two of them go off to make love in a pile of mud water. Truly I wish there was any other way to describe it, but we are mud-humping, no way around it.
And now it’s time for our first background check. As you might recall, if you aren’t Nick Viall, Raven’s father was diagnosed with lung cancer, which is basically emotional shorthand that lets the conversation get deep right away. Spoiler alert, he’s cancer-free now — a piece of news to which Nick responds with, “that’s awesome!” and a single clap — but the whole family spends the episode underlining how sure they were for a second that Raven’s father wouldn’t be able to walk her down the aisle at her own wedding. They seem like a truly lovely family, and I’m paging Nick endlessly asking him to please be mindful of the fact that going into this, Raven had a lot of incentive to speed her next relationship along so that her dad could be able to witness it, but I’m getting no response. Maybe because it’s 2017 and mine is the only office in town to still use pagers and I forgot to assign him one, or maybe because he’s an upright weasel who walks on his hind legs and does exclusively what he wants at all times.
Raven and her mom are discussing how difficult it is for Raven to say, “I love you,” and in the other room, Nick is somehow botching congratulating Raven’s dad on being cancer-free, stumbling into, “I wanna say how happy I am about…the news…you got.” Oh sure. And then he does only slightly better asking for Mr. Gates’ blessing to marry Raven, and — I LOVE THIS MAN — the best he can do is, “I could live with that.” Outside, as Nick and Raven are decompressing after their date, I’m expecting her to drop that L-bomb, but mom was right, as it turns out, and Raven can’t squeeze the words out. “I don’t like to be rejected, and I don’t like to show my weakness at all,” and then frets about whether she’s the only one who hasn’t said it as he drives off to his next girlfriend’s house. (Again, v romantic.)
Suspect #2: RACHEL
Location: Dallas, Texas.
Activity: Lying, apparently, as the first words out of Nick’s mouth are, “My chemistry with Rachel is probably the most explosive chemistry I have with any of the women,” which is some Grade-A bullshit from these closed-mouthed kissers.
But the real activity today is tackling the realities of race, so I hope you’re buckled up and ready to go, because it’s gonna be quite the ride. Our first stop is a black church, where Nick is sticking out like a white thumb, not only because of his skin color, but because this thumb apparently doesn’t know how to clap. Hey man, just pretend that your girlfriend’s father just revealed he’s cancer-free, and then do that a bunch of times in a row. That’s clapping!
Thumb claims he’s all about doing new things, and totally wants to go to Church Club if he and Rachel get married for real. He says he feels the most “himself” with her, and then we take a hard left into race with the line, “I’m not color blind. I know you’re black,” which I actually think is a pretty open, honest way of discussing something that is definitely at the forefront of Rachel’s family’s mind, as you’ll see in a minute. Also before you get too excited — and I’m talking to you, Thumb — Rachel’s dad won’t be at the hang, apparently, because he couldn’t get off work, and Thumb looks like his dad promised to take him camping and never showed up. He had such a power-boner at the thought of meeting Scary Judge and making a good impression, and now he doesn’t get to.
Instead, he gets to meet Rachel’s mom, whom he thrusts a bouquet of flowers at, her two sisters, cousin, brother-in-law, and an adorable baby of whom there’s just not enough footage. (Dorothy never let me hold my daughter when she was a kid, because I always smoked two cigarettes at once and never had a free hand, so now I’m all about them.) I gotta say though, getting all amped up to meet Scary Judge does seem to have put Thumb in a good head space, because he’s bantering back and forth with Rachel’s family and totally holding his own with their teasing. They’re suspicious of him on the reality TV level, it feels like, and just in general don’t want to let him get away without taking the opportunity to ask the tough questions, like whether Thumb is ready to be one half of an interracial couple in today’s climate, and if he’s thought about that at all. (In the words of Rachel’s brother-in-law, who’s also Caucasian, “I can’t help but notice, you are a white.”) I like this family a lot, and I really appreciate that they’re looking out for Rachel and trying to make sure that Thumb is taking her seriously. Now it’s just a matter of waiting for him to stop pretending like their chemistry is anything other than platonic, and sending her home to start prepping to be the Bachelorette.
Suspect #3: CORINNE
Location: Miami, Florida
Activity: Makeover Montage
Lights up on My Nanny Raquel, in the middle of a vast shopping center, where she wants to spoil Thumb for the day. And he makes comments in his talking heads like, “I always thought I had expensive taste, and then I met Corinne,” and “Corinne is on a first-name basis with everyone here.” She’s got him trying on all kinds outfits and modeling them for her, and on the one hand, this is kind of weird, but on the other hand, I watched you break up with a neonatal nurse in a hoodie last week, so please just let this happen. She charges a $3,000-something outfit, and then the happy couple is off to meet the man who bought it for them, Mr. My Nanny Raquel. Oh but first, My Nanny Raquel has promised producers that she will tell Thumb she’s in love with him, and so she awkwardly squeezes those words out on camera, eyes flitting from side to side in discomfort. (So romantic.)
With a third version of the identical bouquet that he got every family clutched tightly, Thumb and My Nanny Raquel meet her mom, daddy, sister, and of course…Raquel herself. The family explains that she’s been with them for seventeen years, and is part of the family at that point, which I guess explains a little bit more about why Corinne is so reliant on her, but not why she still calls her a nanny. But anyway. I feel like most times when I do surveillance on Hometowns, it feels like a bizarro world, where no one is addressing what’s so weird about the situation, but maybe it speaks to the quality of the women left that no one is letting Thumb squirm out of uncomfortable conversations. My Daddy Raquel’s focus is on what Thumb does for a living, or will do after the show, and I’m like THANK YOU SIR FINALLY SOMEONE IS ASKING. He clearly hasn’t done a real-person job in like four years, so legit this man is unemployed and about to propose to one of his four girlfriends — what a catch!! My Nanny Raquel claims she’d be fine being the breadwinner, but My Daddy Raquel isn’t fully convinced. Thumb asks for his blessing as well, and the most this dad does is throw it back to him, to be like, “If you feel it’s right and she feels it’s right, that’s good enough for me.” But he’s on board with the couple, saying he thinks that Corinne is the lid to Nick’s pot, which is much more optimistic than My Mommy Raquel, in the other room, who reminds her daughter, “I’m happy for you, but don’t forget it’s fantasy.” I think I…love this family?
Although I did just realize that I don’t think Thumb asked for anyone’s blessing to propose to Rachel, whether because there was no man around and he didn’t want to ask a woman, which is gross, or because he forgot they’re supposed to be pretending to be in love, which is understandable. In any case, I have one more suspect to clear before I’m home to make dinner — two raw onions, sliced — so let’s keep it moving.
Suspect #4: VANESSA
Location: Montreal, Canada.
Activity: All That Is Good In All The World
Truthfully, I think Vanessa might be a hologram sent her to make everyone look bad, because I really can see nothing wrong with her. She’s a special needs teacher, as has been explained before, but what I didn’t realize is that she works with adults, so all her students are over twenty-one. And OBSESSED WITH HER. She must be such an amazing teacher, because everyone is crying just seeing her, and multiple students told her they loved her, and she said it right back. She assigns her students to make a scrapbook of her time with Thumb, and sits among them, explaining why he’s so important to her, and she is very very good at her job, it’s crazy. Once again, I’m wildly paging Thumb, trying to get him to propose right here and now, because she is The Clue, but he never even looks at his belt, so I bet I forgot to give it to him.
As it turns out, Vanessa’s parents are divorced and not the best of friends, so she and Thumb are going to be visiting them individually today, to give Thumb a look at how she normally splits her time. I also want to be upfront with you now, gumshoes, and say my notes from Thumb’s dates with The Clue are never as complete as I’d like, because I find myself just watching and smiling, and not writing down any mean quips, like usual, so any snark is injected after the fact and might be a little glaring. Apparently The Clue had a really tough breakup about three years ago and hasn’t brought anyone home since, so this entire house full of fourteen thousand Italian relatives is VERY excited to set their eyes on a human man. And then…immediately start tearing him apart.
The Clue’s mom pulls Thumb aside first and is like, “What do you like about my daughter,” and Thumb tries to be all charming and like, “Well the first thing I noticed was her beautiful bazoombas when she got out of the limo,” and Mom isn’t having it, and I’m obsessed with it. She wants to hear something with a little depth, because she’s skeptical, and she doesn’t want to see her daughter hurt again. The Clue’s sister is equally judge-y and delightful, helpfully reminding Thumb that he and The Clue live not just in different states, but in different countries, and they should probably have a conversation about where they would live if this works out. Also that whole unemployment thing comes up again, because of course it does — GET A JOB, THUMB. Everyone is just so protective of and invested in The Clue, and it’s really beautiful to see, but also heart-breaking to see them trying to temper her expectations given the fact that there are still three women in it.
And over at The Clue’s dad’s house, where there are just two of them and my ears are still ringing from the sudden silence, the seats are just as hot and the questions are just as pointed, and I am loving every minute of it. By the time Dad asks Thumb what he loves about The Clue, he’s learned not to say, “She’s hot and I saw it the moment she stepped out of the limo,” but he apparently hasn’t learned about segues, because he jumps right away into trying to get her dad’s blessing. And god bless him, finally I get a response on this show that feels real to me, after watching way way way too many seasons: “I just can’t give you my blessing just like this.” YEAH DUDE. You are a STRANGER. Finally, someone is acting the way I would act in this situation. He’s clearly shocked to even be asked, and he’s like, “You’ve been to three other houses, did you ask their blessings too?” And the look on both of their faces when Thumb has to stutter out that he did, in fact, ask at the other hometowns is just priceless.
Someone pulls him aside on the commercial break, however, and Clue Dad changes his tune, saying, “Listen, I’m gonna give you my blessing.” But then also, he’s not above going to The Clue and immediately blowing up Thumb’s spot, by saying he asked for his blessing. And she gets all cute and blushing and rosy, hearing that Thumb wants to marry her, right up until the moment she asks her dad if he knows whether Thumb asked any other dads, and the whole thing comes out. As she says, “Knowing that’s a question that was shared with other people. That makes it less meaningful.” And I can’t really put it any better than that. She very rationally explains to the camera that if you’re a parent and you get asked for your blessing, the next step you’re expecting is to see your child proposed to. And for three of the dads — well, two, but she doesn’t know that — that’s not what’s going to happen.
I. LOVE. THIS. FAMILY.
And finally, finally, we’re heading to the Rose Ceremony, which will be at the end of the episode for once, and held in beautiful New York City. I know you want to go home and iron that suit, by which I of course mean standing in the steam room at the YMCA with it on. Except…and call me crazy, here…but it doesn’t seem like we’re ending this with a Rose Ceremony. Instead, we’re seeing footage of all the women, and time is ticking away on quotes like, “We laughed, we kissed, we giggled, I bought him a really nice outfit,” from My Nanny Raquel. And Thumb is gazing out over the city, pondering the world, and saying, “It almost feels impossible to make a decision tonight.” Does it?? I don’t want to just take words out of The Clue’s mouth at this point, but if you still don’t know what you want to do, maybe your relationships aren’t as important as you’re pretending they are. Or maybe you’re just trying to make good TV and have been in love with The Clue literally since the moment she barfed into that space bag. Who knows with you, because your facial expression changes zero either way.
And we’re gonna put that theory to the test next week, apparently, because that returning person who was previewed is at the door, and it’s none other than…Andi Dorfman.
“Hello Nick…” she purrs, and then we fly into the montage of upcoming footage, showing that we go to Snow World, Thumb cries without wiping his face more, and he’s made it to the end with all of his insecurities intact, saying, “If I was the first Bachelor to get rejected, I’d be devastated.” That’s crazy, because ABC would be literally delighted. It’s a sensation I’m not familiar with, because you’re ending yet another episode with no Rose Ceremony, and I have beat cops I need to send home to their families. Please for the love of god, Thumb, have some empathy for those around you and let me send my people home. I will see you next week, where I imagine you’ll either eliminate everyone or no one, whatever makes the least sense in the moment.
Alexis Rhiannon (@mindtheclam) is a freelance writer and comedian who grew up in Portland, Oregon, and is now located in New York City. Her interests include reality television, bar trivia, pop culture conspiracies, and someday cleaning her apartment. She can be seen monthly at the improvised show Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology in Williamsburg.
