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Curious
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Hey listen, I know I came down hard on you last week, Nick, because I was looking for results, but I think you might have taken me just a scootch too seriously. We lost six women in one episode last week — if you keep knocking down women at this rate, your gun and your badge are gonna be on my desk by tonight, with three episodes still left to air, and then we’ll never find your missing likability. But then again, if we drag this out for much longer, surely at least one of them is going to discover that you don’t have a personality to speak of, so maybe you have the right idea. Keep tongue-checking their mouths for clues, and I’ll stick to what I know best: griping.
Roll tape.
Oh that’s right, we’re starting the week pretending that Nick might walk off the show because he “doesn’t know if he can do this.” Mmmkay, girl. I one million percent believe that Nick is the kind of dude who bails on tasks halfway through, but also have lived in the world for long enough to know that ABC would never let their cash cow just amble out of the field, so I see this for what it is — an attempt to give Nick emotional depth, when we have learned by now that he is alternating layers of sex, lisp, and bourbon. All the way to the top. Delicious cake, but not much of a compelling Bachelor. But the women only get to see him two hours a day when they’re released from their cage, so they’re still very into him, and this provides a good opportunity for them to show off their personalities. Rachel is reeling from watching Nick send home women she thought he had strong connections with, Vanessa will be on the edge of tears this entire episode, Raven is reading the room perfectly because she is my queen, and Baby Danielle is whispering fretfully into her hands.
Finally, Nick appears, and I pass into a coma-like state as he tells a room full of six women that he woke up questioning things, but that ultimately, “I see what I want in this room.” Thank goodness, cue sighs of relief — Nick is staying and we’re skipping the cocktail party and the rose ceremony and going straight to Bimini. Normally I’d say that you need to stay focused and find the clue, but like I said, we don’t have enough suspects remaining that we can afford to be that rash. So maybe let’s let this be the methodical episode, yeah? Ugh, he’s not listening. He’s giving me his glazed ham look because I have too many articles of clothing on to activate the receptors in his brain.
Except! Wait! He’s giving the first Bimini one-on-one to Vanessa, even though this will be her second one-on-one, and My Nanny Raquel hasn’t had her first, so maybe he was listening! I upgraded Vanessa to a Person of Interest weeks ago, and there’s been no follow-up, so I’m glad we’re finally getting back to her. She gets a date card that says, “Let’s go deeper.” “You lucky bitch,” says My Nanny Raquel with her mouth, and everyone else with their eyes.
I’d love to stay on the shore and talk about how it’s possible that a 29-year-old woman has never been on a boat before, but we have to cram a lot of dates into this episode, so let’s keep it moving. Vanessa has so far been the only person in this house who can make Nick listen to reason, so she very generously takes some time to explain why St. Thomas was a complete shitshow for her, and made her take a step back from their relationship. But he throws the smallest iota of empathy Vanessa’s way, and she’s right back on board, sharing underwater smooches and excitedly planning when to tell Nick she’s in love with him.
Back at the house, My Nanny Raquel and Rachel are speculating about why Vanessa got the one-on-one; My Nanny Raquel wades waist-deep into irony by saying, “I don’t see much depth to Vanessa,” and Rachel has been edited so hard to scrub her for The Bachelorette that she doesn’t even get to open her mouth in case she says something unlikable. The second date card arrives, and finally, at long last, it’s My Nanny Raquel’s turn to go…on a group date with two other women: Shade Queen and Raven. Commence melting down.
At dinner, Vanessa has finally chosen her moment. The candles are lit, the meal is lying untouched in front of them, and Nick gurgles through his stupor, “So — hometown’s is next week.” And then you guys, I kid you not, he doesn’t talk again or move his face for like the next ten minutes, as Vanessa pours her heart out and tells him that she’s falling in love with him, the sentiment she was so excited to share. The music swells, doves fill the sky, and here comes King Botch to ruin everything. He has this bizarre speech about all the women he’s been in love with before, and how he doesn’t take that back, but now he’s looking for a love he’s never had before, the kind of love that blossoms after a matter of weeks and that he can’t tell you about until the finale, after he sends away the nice other lady and you’re the last one standing. And Vanessa loves it.
Except, opposite. I try never to express real feelings, because whenever I do, my daughter takes a photo on her snap gadget and sends it to my ex-wife Dorothy with an unkind hashtag caption, but I am really feeling for this girl right now. This is brutal. As someone who’s kept careful tabs on the Botch King’s behavior, I know that he does love Vanessa, and has since their Space Vom date, but this moment in particular is so hard to watch, because she was so sure she’d say “I love you” back. But luckily, she’s still miles better than Nick, and can’t resist a dig on the way out, saying, “I’m just afraid to end up like Nick did.” Multilingual, beautiful, and she can dunk? This girl is The Clue.
On the group date, it’s early yet, so My Nanny Raquel still feels optimistic. “I’m planning to steal the show today,” she proudly pronounces to the camera. “I’ve been on a boat bigger than this,” she chirps, not realizing that it’s much sexier to be a boat virgin like Vanessa had been just the day before. Everyone strips down, and My Nanny Raquel promptly loses Nick’s attention to the vast expanses of Shade Queen’s skin that require immediate lotioning. My Nanny Raquel is used to being the subject of Nick’s power-boner, which is drawn to Type A women who know how to get what they want, but for the first time, she’s at the bottom of that particular totem pole. (Or boatem pole? I am sorry.) One of these women ate a damn lipstick because she was raised in poverty, and one of them managed not to cry during the volleyball game from hell, so you are out of your depth here, girlie, and Nick’s hands are all over Shade Queen, who could literally eat you alive but chooses not to because it’s not sporting.
The date is a quick cage-free swim with sharks, which would maybe be a fun date with one girl, but with three, you’re essentially just swimming with sharks on your own time, sans date, and I’m so sorry, but I’m busy that day. Shade Queen quickly figures out that if she gets out of the water and goes back on the boat, Nick will follow her, so she very intelligently swaps sharks for towel hugs, winning the date. But speaking of that, no one has yet officially “won” this date, because there’s still a rose up for grabs, and My Nanny Raquel has her eye on it, saying, “That rose means the world to me, and if I don’t get it, I’ll go crazy.” Nick grabs Shade Queen first for someone one-on-one time, and cries into her face for a while, until she drops my favorite line of the episode — “Listen you can’t keep us all, so you will have to make a decision” — and then lets Nick cry into her body for a while about how hard his life is.
Something that doesn’t make Nick cry? Raven’s reveal that her father was diagnosed with lung cancer, which was so jarring that it made her lose interest in law school. I kid you not, his entire response is the words, “I’m…sorry?” Wow thank you for your kind words, please give Raven the group date rose right this very instant, because she is an MVP who refused to get pulled into the negativity all day, even though she was literally a person away from Nick for the whole date. Ugh, I’m getting so mad about how deeply Nick does not deserve these women. Thankfully, he does the right thing and gives MVP the rose, and she becomes the first person to be confirmed for Hometown Dates.
To celebrate, the two of them go to see my favorite band in all of Bimini — White Jumping Emo Men. They dance slowly in front of him and kiss, while in another shot, My Nanny Raquel is pensive by the pool, plotting her sex attack, if the preview is any indication.
The next one-on-one is with Baby Doctor, whom perhaps you’ve noticed I’m not calling Mai Wife anymore, or even Mai Fiancee, because things really aren’t working out. She seems like a wonderful lady, but the two of them aren’t talking or connecting, even though Nick came up with a really thoughtful date of playing pickup basketball with some random kids. And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, there it was — A FATEFUL LEG TOUCH.
I don’t know if you’ve figured this out by now, but this portends certain peril. After weeks of surveillance, I’m just in this moment realizing that caressing a woman’s legs is Nick’s tell. From observation, I think he does it while he’s deciding something about the woman, and trying to see if his feelings for her are still there, while giving every outward appearance of enthusiasm so she doesn’t get suspicious. For Pilates Whitney, he did it right before he sent her home and kept Danielle, for Shade Queen, he did it right before he decided to give the Group Date Rose to Raven, and now he’s got his lil mitts on Baby Doctor legs. Watch ya ankles, girl. (Or I guess your thighs.)
Back at Girl Mansion, the final date card has arrived, and it’s a one-on-one for Rachel. So that literally means there were three one-on-ones this week, all for ladies who’d already had one, and My Nanny Raquel still hasn’t had her first. She really may burst.
At dinner, Nick is asking Baby Doctor what her favorite part of the date was, and it has a twinge of desperation to it, like he’s really saying, “What were the good parts, can you remind me?” Which is a pretty bold question from a man who’s wearing a hooded sweatshirt on a show where as a woman, you’re required to bring at least 400 ball gowns to set. And this is the moment where I remember that I am a terrible person, and there’s an incredibly valid reason for Baby Doctor to be closed off and unresponsive in her date. I’ll let her put it in her own words, because I’ve done enough: “The last time I was in love with someone, they died.” OKAY YES. I’m an asshole, I completely forgot that Baby Doctor was also Tragic Backstory. This woman has really been through the wringer, and if she can’t turn on the charm and go for broke and not worry about being hurt with a stranger on national television who’s also dating five other women MAYBE THAT MAKES SENSE. Oh man, I have so much more empathy now, and I can’t believe we’re about to watch him send her home right after that off-camera revelation.
“I care a lot about you, and I’m really excited,” Baby Doctor whispers into the sea, as in his own talking head, Botch King says, “I don’t see a future with Danielle.” “You’re just so great,” he tells her, and “Not great enough,” she responds, and he just LETS THAT HANG IN THE AIR. I can’t believe this guy, let’s get Danielle to Paradise and start making the guys line up for her, my god. But first, let’s make her go back to the house and pack up her stuff. That will be really fun for her and I can’t wait to watch.
Understandably, this turn of events throws the rest of the women into a panic, except for MVP, who is smart enough to realize that anyone left is going to be blindsided when and if they go home. My Nanny Raquel has a very different response, saying, “I need to convince Nick that he wants to come to my hometown.” And the unstated end of that sentence is “WITH MY VAGINA NOW OFF I GO TO FETCH IT.” She shimmies into some sort of bodysuit situation, and tromps off to Nick’s hotel room. And when he shows up at the door, you know exactly why she and all these women are drawn to him, because of intelligent, suggestive, arousing statements like, “I’m a little surprised, but wow.” They have a drink together and retire to the bedroom, closing the door but staying mic-ed, so we can hear their escalating sexytime noises, and Nick abruptly slowing things down with an, “I don’t think this is a good idea.” And honestly, it’s true. I feel very strongly that My Nanny Raquel isn’t hiding your likability at all, but if she is, it’s very unlikely to be inside her platinum palace. Check her mouth as much as you want, but maybe stay out of the downtown zones. But just as I was starting to be proud of Nick for making positive decisions for himself, I have to feel another flood of empathy for a contestant, as he dismisses My Nanny Raquel with a simple, “Don’t feel bad,” and then she has to walk by every camera ever invented in the history of ABC. It’s a lot, and once again, no one puts it better than the woman herself — “I’m really sad and self-conscious and nervous about Nick and our connection.” Ouchies, my cold, cold heart.
But it’s time to abruptly switch gears, because it’s time for Rachel’s one-on-one, which Nick comes into Girl Mansion to retrieve her for, a practice that I will never get used to. Obviously the news that Rachel will be the next Bachelorette has broken, now, but if you needed any proof that they’ve been setting this up since filming, look at the fact that she was picked for both the First Impression Rose and the last impression before Hometowns. They knew what they were doing. And honestly, god bless them for doing it, she’s so much better than Nick and this show, and she will kill as the Bachelorette. But that’s me looking ahead on my docket; for now I have to stick with this caseload, as frustrating as it is to try to crack it. Today’s date is just a “relaxing day”, drinking beers and getting advice from a random guy, who reminds Rachel to, “Make sure this guy really needs you and not just wants you.”
And just so you know, I’m jotting down that note in my case file because it’s evidence, not because it’s advice that I want to use in my own personal life. I don’t involved with cases, and I certainly don’t take advice from The Bachelor. Ahem.
And I don’t know if we’re cutting for time or they already knew that Rachel was Bachelorette fodder and that there’s not much between her and Nick to flesh out on an extended date, but she’s home before nightfall, gushing, “I could not have planned a better date today and we didn’t even do much!” Hey girl, when the dating show you’re on doesn’t spring for dinner, that’s a red flag. Be prepared to slap some hands away from those legs. Now it’s time for everyone to get all dolled up for the Rose Ceremony, except that it’s seeming like there might not actually be one. While Chris Harrison is explaining hometowns to Nick — did you hear they’re just around the corner? — the Botch King tearfully reveals, “I know who I need to say goodbye to.” MVP and My Nanny Raquel have already realized that Nick could’ve sent home Vanessa and Rachel on their one-on-ones, so it probably comes down to My Nanny Raquel and Shade Queen to go home.
Instead of giving him a personality or hobbies or interests, which are difficult to fake, we’re instead cultivating this image of Nick as “unpredictable.” He don’t wait for no Rose Ceremony, he shows up at the house and isolates his victim on the porch while the rest of his four girlfriends wait inside. In this case, his victim is Shade Queen, who knows as soon as she sees Nick that she’s being dismissed, and tries to avoid sitting down for as long as possible.
The girl knows what’s up, and she’s not dealing with Nick’s bullshit. He’s trying to drop that “I love you but I’m not in love with you” crap, and her follow-up question is, “And you are starting to feel that with some people?” Ice cold and I love her. I’m really wishing that Nick would just sit there and let her take a well-deserved shit on him, but he keeps trying to talk his way out of that, and she ultimately dismisses him with, “I am happy to know that you are finding that.” That being love. Inside, she breaks down, and the other women comfort her as the Bad Breakup Man strolls down by the beach, and somehow this is still a cliffhanger episode, because there might still be a Rose Ceremony after all that, even though we’re already down to just four women? Literally what did I say to you at the beginning of this, Nicholas? From now on I’m only speaking to you in a bikini, so I can be sure you’re listening.
The only silver lining of this episode is that we end it with footage of MVP and Shade Queen stacking cheese on a sleeping My Nanny Raquel’s head. I still miss Shark Week, but this will have to do.
Until next week, gumshoes. I don’t know if anyone’s told you yet, but Hometowns are right around the corner.
Alexis Rhiannon (@mindtheclam) is a freelance writer and comedian who grew up in Portland, Oregon, and is now located in New York City. Her interests include reality television, bar trivia, pop culture conspiracies, and someday cleaning her apartment. She can be seen monthly at the improvised show Live Dubbed Sitcoms at Videology in Williamsburg.
