‘Game Of Thrones’ Recap, Season 6 Episode 6: Stop Dragon My Heart Around

Hi, my name is John, and I’m recapping Game Of Thrones this season, because if you’re reading this call 911 I need help they have me locked in a windowless room.

If this is your first time reading this recap: welcome! Get ready for a truly thrilling experience reading my Cliff Notes summary of a TV show you watched less than 24 hours ago. But all joking aside, this recap is the best recap ever written. All those other weekly Game Of Thrones recaps? All 345 of them? Just not as good as this one. Do you like the show Outlander? Well, this Game Of Thrones recap is a better Outlander recap than any Outlander recap out there. That is how brilliant I am.

But it’s not easy to churn these instant classics out. For one, I get paid so little the IRS sends back my 1099s with a five dollar bill. Secondly, and most importantly, writing these recaps is beneath me because I am a serious internet journalist. Perhaps you have read some of my Facebook posts about politics? If Peter Thiel were to ever read my work – which ranges from writing about food to writing about Ghostbusters then circles back to food – he’d hate me because I speak truth to power. For instance: Game Of Thrones is what happens when a fairy tale smokes crystal meth. It’s a silly sword & skin opera. Seriously, go see a Shakespeare play like Edward II or why not just fire up a porno on your laptop while watching Wolf Hall? Oh, I forgot, dragons. How highbrow. Yeah! Take that HBO! I’m sticking it to ya! And while you enjoy your bullocking please consider a fourth season of Deadwood. Thank you. Ha, ha. JK. Who am I kidding? Without Game of Thrones, I wouldn’t have a personality. Love you, HBO. #SATC4EVA

So I was going to start this week’s recap with a comprehensive list of all the Game Of Thrones threesomes I’d like to see, starting with Grey Worm, Missandei, and Tyrion. But, instead, I feel like I have to address a little controversy over last week’s recap. It seems this recap “spoiled” the ending of last week’s momentous episode. The headline was “The End Of The Road-or For Hodor.” That’s a good headline. It features something we call “wordplay” in the business. But many of you were very angry that we gave away that Hodor dies. I received many complaints from readers. I read every email and comment. I considered each. Obviously, whether to “spoil” something or not is an ongoing conversation between culture writers and their audiences. But I don’t really care if I spoiled Game Of Thrones for you. Seriously. I could not give less of a shit. Hey, guess what? Rey is Luke’s daughter.

I’d like to address one unhappy customer directly: my eyeballs won the bronze for backflips when I read your impassioned screed about how that headline spoiled a show you couldn’t watch because you were working a night shift at the ER. Yawn. Fine. Don’t read my recaps. FFS, I don’t read my recaps. Did I mention that I’m having to work during the holiday weekend? What kind of crap is that? Why doesn’t my boss #FeelTheBern? Why would HBO run an episode during a three-day weekend? Are they trying to keep the “no one invited you to a barbecue” demo? Sheesh. Those gollums will watch anything! Even The Leftovers! Whatever. I’m still going to go to the baseball show. I’m still going to eat all the hotdogs. I’ll watch the dumb show when I get home at midnight and stay up till 5AM writing a recap that’s only going to be read by my mom, and she already hates me because I spoiled last week’s episode in the stupid headline.

One other conversation about last week’s episode I’d like to nuke is whether or not Hodor’s heroic death was George RR Martin’s idea or the producers. I do not believe it’s GRRM’s idea. It was the producers doing something interesting with a slightly problematic, two-dimensional rip-off of Lenny from Mice & Men. Besides, everyone knows the truth. I know the truth. I am the truth! Here’s something TMZ is too scared to report: George RR Martin lives on a 900 acre recreation of the kingdom of Dorn located right outside of Santa Fe. The entire compound is staffed by hundreds of college students paid to wear traditional Dornish fashions and to speak in a vague Mediterranean patois. GRRM spends his days lounging about in a giant replica of Sunspear, the main castle of House Martell, drinking Dornish wine, which is just Franzia White Zinfandel. He hasn’t talked to the Game Of Thrones producers for almost a year. Now you know the truth. Hey, Peter Thiel, come at me, bro!

Here’s what happened on last night’s episode of Game of Thrones.

Another solid episode to a season with one mission: push all of the storylines towards a climactic battle against the forces of evil gathering beyond the Wall. You know, if Donald Trump wins the presidency and actually builds a wall, we’re the White Walkers. Makes you think, huh? No? Look, I can do only so much in a recap.

There were plenty of big reveals last night, as well. For one, Hodor lives! He somehow manages to fight off the wights. Only now he’s free from the trauma that compromised his speech and speaks in a proper English accent. He’s actually a sassy little bitch with a funny new catchphrase, “Oh, how naughty!” Heh. That’s not true. None of that is true. Hodor is still dead, and so is Catelyn Stark, which is a relief. If you read the books, you know what I’m talking about. If you didn’t read the books, I can only assume you were too busy having sex to bother.

The episode opens with Meera dragging Bran through the snow after The Walking Dead murdered everyone, including … SPOILER ALERT … good ol’ … SPOILER ALERT … Hold The Door. Meera is struggling to lug the kid through a storm, and Bran is just laying there, tripping balls. Through his eyes we see a montage of the ice zombie apocalypse interspersed with what I’m going to say is footage of Mad King Aerys Targaryen screaming “burn them all.” This nutter was Daenerys father, and the king who was so bad that the Baratheons, Starks, and Lannisters all teamed up to overthrow him. Really cool stuff, if you’re a total nerd. Meera and Bran are about to get Hodor’s when they are rescued by a man dressed in black on a black horse. Real Aragorn vibe. He has a scythe and a flaming ball and chain. They’re cool, if you’re a wheezing dork.

The next scene opens inside a fancy carriage with Sam and Gilly and their baby of unfortunate origins on their way to visit Sam’s wealthy family. At one point Sam is describing the different kinds of trees where he is from – maple, elm, beech – and I wish they had made up Westeros names for those trees, like diremaple, death elm, or shadow beech. “Oh, look, a beautiful murder tree.” But whatever. Sam explains how to gently explain their circumstances – it seems Sam’s father wouldn’t take kindly to learning Gilly was an inbred forest barbarian. I can relate. I once lied to my father that I was dating a nice young woman who has actually a lamp.

Poor stupid King Tommen. Joffrey would never have been manipulated by the High Sparrow and his Queen. In fact, Joffrey would have had each of them drowned in their own boiled intestines. But, alas, Tommen is not his sociopath brother. The High Sparrow has earned the kids trust over the season and Margary plays to that in order to save herself from having to walk the streets naked while guttersnipes lob poo grenades and hurt words at her. Tommen secures a reunion with his sexy Queen and the pair, both broken in their own ways, convert to the faith. This kind of thing happens every day in Hollywood.

We’re back to Sam! He’s all cleaned up! Gilly is dressed in a pretty dress! A pretty, pretty dress! These two are safe and they’re going to be happy! (Nope.) There’s an awkward dinner with Sam’s wealthy family. Gilly doesn’t know how to use a fork or knife, but to be fair, neither did I until I was 28. I was raised to eat using only spoons so that I would not stab myself in the face. The actor who plays Sam’s dad chews meat really well. But then we get to the heart of Sam’s family problem: his dad is a dick who calls his youngest son fat and cowardly. When Gilly pipes up to defend the man she loves, she accidentally reveals that she is a Wildling. That just unleashes the old man’s cruelty on poor Sam. He banishes his son and this scene made me sad. I think? Sad? That’s an emotion people have, right? I’m a human being, right? But Sam is not a total pushover. He changes his plan and asks Gilly and kiddo to join him on his journey to Maesterburgh and in a final act of defiance, he steals his father’s beloved Valyrian steel sword. Valyrian steel is really, really good steel. Like, if you have a Valyrian steel skillet, those eggs don’t stick.

Back in Braavos, we are treated to a new, exciting play about Joffrey’s death. I love these theatre people! The best part of their crude morality plays are all the farts. So many farts! That’s what is missing in contemporary drama. Farts. Anyway, Arya watches with amusement at how these players portray Joffrey’s death as a tragedy, when, in fact, the little bugger deserved what he got. Arya isn’t there to enjoy art, of course. She has a job to do, and that’s poison one of the actresses. Hey, wait a minute, is that legendary character actor Richard E. Grant in a bit part as a member of the troupe? Richard E. Grant, the star of cult classic Withnail and I? Yes, it is! Hullo, Richard! Get that GOT cha-ching! Arya briefly gets to know her target and has a change of heart. She’s had enough stickfighting at Face Depot. No more training to become a ninja assassin. Arya finds her old sword Needle and I can only hope she plans on returning to Westeros to get her kill on. Maybe the Hound is still alive? Living a life of retirement as a pastry chef? Arya and The Hound would make a great pair for a third season of True Detective. Back at the Suicide Temple, Jaqen is disappointed and dispatches the snot-faced mean girl to kill Arya. Good luck with that, mean girl.

There’s a showdown at King’s Landing between the combined forces of the Lannisters and Tyrells and Occupy Wall Street. But there’s no point in killing the High Sparrow in order to save Queen Margaery, because King Tommen is on the side of the fanatics. He claims that the faith and the crown are now one, and that’s also the GOP platform. This angers Uncle Daddy Jamie, who is subsequently dispatched by the king to retake the castle of Riverrun from the Blackfish, the uncle of Catelyn Stark. This is a very Uncle-y episode. Before Jamie leaves, though, there’s some hot brother sister face sucking with Cersei. Oh yeah.

Up next: ancient creep Walder Frey, the evil old fuck who staged the Red Wedding. He’s really pissed about the Blackfish guy. His gross underlings insist there’s not way for his meager forces to beat Blackfish. But Walder has a plan: all this time he’s had… as a prisoner… some guy I don’t remember! I like the guy. He played Brutus in HBO’s criminally underrated show Rome, which was like Game of Thrones, only more fantastical and unbelievable. It’s really late and I don’t have the energy to “research.” This character is marginally important to a subplot that will probably get three more scenes before the finale.

That badass ranger who rescued Bran and Meera? First of all, he’s really good at squeezing blood out of rabbits. He’s also Uncle Benjen, a Stark who was mysteriously lost beyond the Wall years ago! He’s sort of a partial-White Walker? But good? Either that or he doesn’t moisturize. Anyway, this is a big deal. A bigger deal is that Bran is the three-eyed raven. I made that up. I don’t know why that’s a big deal. The three-eyed raven, so far, is just good at filling in plot holes.

FINALLY: Daenerys and Daario are leading their army of Dothraki. Daenerys is like “hey do you smell that?” Then she rides off. Do you know what she smelled? Do you want to know? ***SPOILER ALERT*** DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THAT DAENERYS FINDS ONE OF HER DRAGONS!!!!! Daenerys finds one of her dragons! She smelled dragons! I think that smells like Iron Maiden’s tour bus in the 1980s. Not only does she find her magical flying fire lizard, but she rides the beast and then gives a rousing speech to her horde. It’s an awesome speech, actually. Because it hints at giving fans what they’ve wanted for years: Daenerys leading a giant army of Horse Klingons and castrato stormtroopers to retake the Iron Throne, which was once occupied by her father, a raving lunatic who loved burning people to death. Daenerys kills it though. Those Dothraki are horny to murder for her. I really got into it too. Duct taped a knife to a broomhandle. Stripped down to my briefs that are too big for me because I don’t know the exact size of my body. Put on my savage face. It’s my new Tinder pic. The bio is: KHA-RAZY 4 KHALESSI. This is the only way to find true love in 2016.

Like I mentioned, it was a solid episode. There’s real momentum now. Until next week, dear reader. If you miss me before then, go back and reread my old recaps. They’re timeless works. Xoxo.

[Watch Game Of Thrones on HBO Go and HBO Now]

John DeVore is a writer who lives in Brooklyn, the Paris of Long Island. Follow his undiagnosed narcissism on Twitter at @JohnDeVore.