Grading On A Curve: Hulk Hogan Punches A Mime In The Face In ‘Suburban Commando’

Terrible acting, incoherent dialogue, scattered plotlines, and horrible special effects typically lead films to be seen as “bad movies” in the eyes of most viewers. But many “bad movies” are actually incredibly entertaining and are more fun to watch than most “good movies,” which is why so many allegedly awful movies have developed devoted cult followings. With that in mind, we bring you Grading On A Curve, an ongoing column devoted to enjoyable “bad movies” that are streaming online.

The Film: Suburban Commando
Year: 1991
Streaming on: YouTube, iTunes, Google Play, Amazon Video, Dailymotion

Suburban Commando is an amusing and forgettable sci-fi comedy with pretty decent star power for a shitty movie. Although the movie never picked up a cult following or had financial success, it’s an enjoyable 90 minutes even if it’s not quite as re-watchable as Hall of Fame crappy films like The Room or Miami Connection. In a way, Suburban Commando is like the Batman Begins of shitty movies. It’s not the greatest movie ever, but it’s pretty entertaining and, for fans of the genre, it’s certainly worth watching at least once.

After capping off the beloved Back to the Future trilogy, Christopher Lloyd decided to co-star alongside Hulk Hogan in a film about a space warrior that was intended for kids. In the movie, Hogan is an intergalactic soldier who is ordered to take a vacation on Earth while his ship recharges. Lloyd is an emasculated cowardly wimp who winds up being Hogan’s landlord. Of course, only hilarity can ensue from this kind of situation.

The film embodies so much of what made the early 90s cheesy as hell, which is probably inescapable for a movie starring Hogan. Its soundtrack must have seemed dated even in 1991. The opening song is a lame hip-hop song featuring random vocals from Hogan. The movie’s interlude music is even worse. It sounds like Harry Belafonte mixed with Muzak mixed with a Jimmy Buffet cover band.

And then you have Hogan’s outfits. When he’s trying to look mean, he’s got on a metallic headband.

Then later in the movie, he sports whatever the fuck this is.

To make things even more ’90s, one of the villains is the Undertaker. Hogan somehow escaped the Undertaker’s WrestleMania win streak, but he could not escape the dead man in this movie.

Like Spongebob Squarepants, this movie has a fair amount of adult innuendo that goes over the heads of its PG target audience. There’s a corny joke about investment bankers being leeches. Christopher Lloyd’s codpiece lights up after he prevents a woman from being mugged and she tells him, “If there’s anything I can do for you. Anything at all.” And Hogan’s bulky muscles arouse Lloyd’s secretary. When the secretary meets Hogan, she starts lusting hard and shows off her thirst by proclaiming her love for football. Hogan asks why she likes football, so she eye-fucks him and responds with, “What could be better than a bunch of beefy, burly, boys beating the crap out of each other, trying to score?”

But the movie’s best adult-related remark is a reference to lawsuits, which is pretty damn funny considering the recent Hogan vs. Gawker saga.

In the movie, Hogan moves his neighbor’s racecar without permission. The greaseball neighbor and his cronies get pissed, and ask Hogan if he has “any idea what we’re going to do to you if we find one itty bitty scratch” on the car. Hogan guesses that the men want to beat him up and drag him across a gravel road. The greaseball says, “What are you, nuts? This is the 90s. We’re going to sue you. We’re going to get you for willful destruction of property, mental anguish, also work hours. When we get through with you, you ain’t going to have a dime left to your name.” A flabbergasted Hogan then ponders out loud, “What kind of world is this?” You can see the entire exchange in the video below.

Other than a reference to litigation, another satisfying thing about this movie is that it shows an adult doing things that adults would like to do but aren’t allowed to. When a smartass paperboy drills Hogan with a newspaper, Hogan throws it right back at him and knocks the kid off his bike. Later, Hogan punches a mime in the face under the impression that he’s freeing the mime from a force field. Hogan also gets super intense when playing an arcade game for an audience of children, which looks like a lot more fun than playing games with a reserved distance.

In its review of the film, the Washington Post concluded, “Suburban Commando feels like it was written by 14-year-olds for an audience of 12-year-olds, but it’s likely to be enjoyed only by an audience of 10-year-olds (and barely at that).” The WaPo is right that it takes a childish mindset to enjoy the film. But that’s the case with a lot of entertainment. Childhood nostalgia is a central part of Hollywood and television. Given the amount of remakes and sequels that continue to be made, industry executives bank on people’s tastes not changing much since they were children. So go ahead, be a kid again, and indulge in clunky laser effects, cheap gags, and bad acting by a pro wrestler. For all its flaws, the film is still significantly more entertaining than most of the reboots you’ve been watching.

[Where to stream Suburban Commando]

Ross Benes (@rossbenes) is working on a book about indirect relationships between sex and society. He has written for The Wall Street Journal, Esquire, Deadspin, and Slate.