‘American Horror Story: Freak Show’ Recap, Episode 9: “Tupperware Party Massacre”

Dandy comes to visit Emma Roberts for a spiritual reading, and even though she’s not a real psychic and is just posing as a clairvoyant, her crystal ball still picks up a flashback to the time when Dandy decapitated an Avon lady, sewed her head onto his mother’s body, and then rigged some sort of pulley system so that he could manipulate it like some sort of marionette. And good morning to you, too, Ryan Murphy!

Jimmy is spending a lot of time with Ida, Elsa’s new freak, who is the fat lady in the episode’s title. Because he’s totally over Emma Roberts, he’s now diving head-first into a flirty relationship with Ida, which involves spoon-feeding her and making a lot of sexual double entendres about her vagina. But when he hears Dandy’s whistling, his ears perk up. Jimmy goes to confront him, but he’s so drunk that Dandy quickly throws him on his ass.

Denis O’Hare and Elsa finally find the twins, who are hiding out in a crappy motel in Palm Beach, and they concoct some story about how the residents of Jupiter have killed Ethel because they’re on some anti-freak crusade. Elsa also tells them that she’s found that doctor that the mean twin (I have no idea which one is which anymore, so I’ll refer to them as “mean twin” and “blonde twin”) wanted to separate them.

Just when you think this show has delivered everything you could possibly imagine, MALCOLM-JAMAL WARNER SHOWS UP. Like, literally two seconds after “Guest starring Malcolm-Jamal Warner” appears in the credits, there is Malcolm-Jamal Warner in the flesh. How many times do you think Malcolm-Jamal Warner has had to tell a reporter, “I am not here to comment on the allegations that have surfaced about my former boss and TV dad, Bill Cosby. I am here to talk about my role on American Horror Story”? Zero times, because this is a surprise to everyone. Malcolm-Jamal Warner! I now forgive Ryan Murphy for everything.

Anyway, Malcolm-Jamal Warner is looking for Desiree, who tells Emma Roberts that he’s her beau. But before we can get any sort of clarification, we’re treated to the glorious sight of Jimmy boning the fat lady. Emma Roberts is clearly jealous, and Ida is like, “Surprise, bitch. Real women have curves.” Jimmy, who is still drunk from earlier, then goes to one of his classic Tupperware party gigs where he fingerbangs suburban housewives, and in his drunk stupor he sees his dead mother who tells him she’s so disappointed in him and that he’s wasting his life. After the housewives throw him out (you gotta be sober to get those ladies off with your lobster hands, dude), Dandy shows up. Because of course Dandy shows up.

Elsa and Denis O’Hare bring the twins to some weird little shack, because Denis O’Hare has Elsa convinced that he’s actually in touch with the doctor who can separate the twins, and he is so bad at lying that it seems like Denis O’Hare is just improvising lines (and, for some reason, everyone else on this show is like, “Oh, yeah, sure, this all seems legit”).

Meanwhile, the husband to the tupperware party host comes home to find all of the ladies dead in their indoor pool. I would also like to mention that I’m only currently 17 minutes into this episode, yet I have written 540 words about it.

Regina, Patti Labelle’s daughter, comes back to the Mott house, and Dandy admits that he killed her mother as well as his own. Then he’s like, “Girl, you know what’s good for your skin? BLOOD BATHS! Let’s bathe together!” And then he says some nonsense about how he’s a god, and at this point I don’t know if this is all happening for real or if my hangover from last night’s company holiday party is manifesting this insane bullshit. Whichever the case, at least there are butts.

Thank god for the butts.

Remember how Denis O’Hare had a big dick and that hot gay prostitute was like, “Whoa, dude, pretty scary tbh”? Well, he shows it to Dell who is like, “Whoa, dude, you’re a freak.” And Dell is so upset by the sight of Denis O’Hare jerking off for him that he writes a suicide note to Jimmy and tries to hang himself (as we all would, naturally), but then the ghost of Ethel pops up out of nowhere to ghostsplain and taunt him. Then Dell goes ahead and hangs himself, but he’s so damn heavy that he just falls from the ceiling. Sucks when you’re too dumb to kill yourself!

To follow through with his half-assed plan to kill the twins, Denis O’Hare enlists one of his regular hot gay prostitutes (seriously, is Jupiter, Florida just filled with hot gay guys? It’s like a goddamn Randy Blue video shoot down there) to pretend to be a doctor. You can imagine how well that goes. (Hot gay prostitutes are not known for their intelligence and ability to enunciate.) Also I learned you can say “cock” on cable television now.

Regina brings a cop to Dandy’s house, and he surprisingly does not correct her when she says, “This is the police, I’ve brought them to arrest you.” (LOL, it’s just one dude, lady. That’s not how grammar works!) And Dandy pretty much admits to the fact that he’s a murderer, but then he reminds the cop how rich he is and how he’s going to get away with everything, and also that he’s a god, obviously. And then he tells the cop he’ll pay him a million bucks if he kills Regina, so the guy shoots her. Banner year for cops, huh?

The twins come back to the freak show’s camp and break into Jimmy’s trailer, and the mean twin tells him that she no longer hates the blonde one and doesn’t want to be separated. Then she puts Jimmy’s hand on her face (ew, you do not even know where that’s been!) and admits she’s in love with him. I mean, obviously we were going to get some Siamese twin sex on this show. Surprised it took this long.

(I have so many questions about the legalities of marrying conjoined twins. Is that bigamy? If they share a vagina, are you having sex with both? Cheng and Eng had a lot of kids, by the way, with two women, so think about that the next time you feel comfortable being single forever.)

Of course, this show always likes to throw a twist our way, and that comes in the form of Jimmy turning down the freakiest, deakiest threesome imaginable, because he’s “in love with someone else.” Then that crooked cop comes by to arrest him for the murders of the housewives he fingered. Meanwhile, Ryan Murphy is roaming free for his various crimes, which include (but are not limited to) not featuring more scenes with MALCOLM-JAMAL WARNER.

 

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Photos: FX Networks