Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
“Crossed” is the seventh episode of the fifth season of The Walking Dead. Before we get into the particulars of this very revealing episode, first we must discuss what happened…
…Previously on The Walking Dead!
Daryl and Carol got a spin-off! (Not really.)
This week’s episode opens up with the Walking Deadheads doing a little rehab work on St. Sarah’s Church of Ill Repute. Instead of building the place up, though, they’re demolishing it in preparation to storm Slabtown. It is at this point that Rick has the conversation that every father dreads having with his son. Namely, the whole “I’m going to save a virtual stranger rather than stay here and protect my own flesh and blood, namely you and your infant sister kthxbai!” conversation. No one ever said it was easy to be a man, but Rick handles his burden with aplomb.
Carl’s response? “Um, that’s cool.”
Meanwhile, Father Gabriel is proving to be the least valuable member of the parish. Who tries to clean bloody floorboards with their fingernails anyway? Fingernails on a chalkboard, you have been replaced; this is the sound that will haunt our nightmares for years to come.
So, curious what is going on with GREATM? “First things first, what the hell is GREATM?” you ask. That’s a fair question, as we had to turn on the closed captioning just to grasp what Tara had said. According to her, that’s the “Band of Brothers” nickname for our friends on the fire truck—G for Glenn, R for Rosita, E for Eugene, A for Abraham, T for Tara, M for Maggie—who we last left off with Abraham beating the crap out of Billy Ray Cyrus Eugene. In case you’re wondering, Eugene is still knocked out cold and Abraham is catatonic and unresponsive. Somewhere, deep in his mindgrapes, Abe’s dreaming of being Dolphin Smooth…
Dateline: Hotlanta. Rick is SO geeked to be back in an episode this week and out of the church that he’s drawing up plays in the dirt for a quick game of pickup football in a warehouse.
Dateline: Slabtown. (We’re getting just as tired of all these scene changes as you are!) Beth is mopping the floor, casually working on her eavesdropping style, but blows her cover when she jumps in on the conversation to complain about how much energy the guards are wasting on DVDs. Wait, you mean to tell me that these guys don’t even have NETFLIX?!? Or Hulu? Or Amazon Prime Instant Video? WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF LIVING AHHHHHHH KILL ME NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Ah, errrm, sorry for the distraction. We’re back! A few things happened on the show while we were pondering a Netflix-less future. Glenn and Tara went fishing (really!), Father Gabriel started hacking up the floorboards of his church, and Rick started a fantasy football league. He quickly got bored of it, though, and the gang ambushed some of Slabtown’s finest, which led them to this.
So FEMA is just as incompetent when it comes to zombie invasions as they are when hurricanes hit the American south, I see.
Heckuva job, FEMA! Heckuva job, Brownie! Heckuva job all around!
Dateline: Church. Father Gabriel has finished pulling up the clapboards, and attempts to leave the church. He steps on a nail. Was it sabotage? Unclear. That is, until he takes a few more steps…
That’s what you get for being yellow-bellied, Father Gabes!
As for the rest of the gang, well, nothing really happened. That is, for ONE thing. We learned a very valuable lesson. NEVER TRUST THE SLABTOWN PO-PO’S!
Until next week (which, we should state, is the mid-season finale)…
Read all of our previous Walking Dead recaps here:
Episode 501: “No Sanctuary”
Episode 502: “Strangers”
Episode 503: “Four Walls And A Roof”
Episode 504: “Slabtown”
Episode 505: “Self Help”
Episode 506: “Consumed”
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